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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 17/09/2018 22:10

What a cock. These men don't deserve children.

PanamaPattie · 17/09/2018 22:12

What does the court order say about half terms?

PerverseConverse · 17/09/2018 22:18

I remember being told at court that the court couldn't force him to have contact, they could only force me to make the children available. If he can't commit to anything then once he's said (in writing) he won't have any contact that week, book a holiday and enjoy the extra time with dc.

RabbitsAreTasty · 17/09/2018 22:26

No you are not stuck in limbo. Tell him which days she will be available. You have made plans for the other days seeing as he has no firm plans yet. Then do absolutely nothing. The doofus has told you in effect that he can be completely flexible.

The court order doesn't say that he and only he gets to dictate the holiday arrangements does it?

RabbitsAreTasty · 17/09/2018 22:29

Unless the court order says otherwise, the law of you snooze, you lose applies. He didn't make plans first so you went ahead and made plans first. You even had the courtesy to offer him totally unrestricted first planning, which he turned down. He snoozed so he's left with the leftovers.

RandomMess · 17/09/2018 23:03

Make your plans he can have what is left over if it suits if not who cares...

From now on TELL him when she is available and he can accept or decline!

ThanosSavedMe · 18/09/2018 07:09

So you can make some lovely plans now. He has said he can’t have her so if he changes his mind last minute tough shit.

You made her available, he said no.

What an absolute wanker

Hortonlovesahoo · 18/09/2018 08:46

What others have said: he said he wasn't sure so you can reply: ok, I will make our own plans.

simplepimple · 18/09/2018 11:17

It may be that once you close down all chances of him having control over you via your DD he completely loses interest in having any relationship with her.

This is sad but often the way manipulative men are - they see everyone as pawns in their game. His game is to annoy, frustrate and control you. Once he can't do that he'll move on to another victim and likely have DC with her in order to start it all again.

You are setting yourself and your DD free OP.

eddielizzard · 18/09/2018 13:37

He's given you the green light to do whatever the fuck you choose now. He's screwing up and trying to fuck about with your time. Uh uh. He was given an opportunity. Now you take yours. I'd make my own plans to suit me completely and absolutely don't chase him up. Ball's in his court.

RageAgainstTheTagine · 18/09/2018 13:45

Can you reply that if he can't give you dates, he can't have her. All or nothing. Pre arranged dates, or none.

If he can't commit, he has committed to nothing.

simplepimple · 18/09/2018 13:54

No need for any reply other than OK - it's really important not to engage with him at all as much as possible because he is trying every single trick he has to get to you.

Just keep a separate note (in case the contact book goes missing) of the chances he had for contact but that he declined.

Motoko · 18/09/2018 15:09

Maybe take some photos of the relevant pages in the contact book.

Cath2907 · 18/09/2018 15:16

Make your plans, don't engage. If he does come back and ask you for certain dates over half term then you can then agree - if it suits you, or decline and say you made plans as he wasn't able to commit. You only have to make DD available as is agreed in the order so EOW - not X random days in half term!

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/10/2018 21:55

So, almost 6 weeks to the day since we were in court and I've had an email saying that after this coming weekend he 'probably' won't be able to see DD for SIX WEEKS. And then he wonders why she doesn't want to go to his?!?! It's taken me 3 hours to get DD to sleep tonight after I asked her if she wanted to go to Daddy's for 2 nights, rather than 1. Cue an absolute meltdown and DD stating she doesn't want to go to Daddy's anymore. No input from me, she just came out with it of her own accord.
I don't know what to do.
If I break the court order I get in trouble but DD is making it very clear she doesn't want to go for any amount of time, let alone the 7 nights he's demanding to have her for over the Christmas holidays.

OP posts:
Thehop · 09/10/2018 22:00

Can you ask CAFCASS to step
In or go back?

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 09/10/2018 22:08

I don't know if Cafcass would be interested as DD is nearly 5, don't think she's considered old enough for her feelings to be taken into consideration. It's just an absolute joke. He requested MORE time with DD in court and now we're back to this already! It's so bloody frustrating and I'm massively beating myself up tonight over the fact I'm having to make DD do something she doesn't want to do. It's all wrong

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/10/2018 22:23

The 7 nights at Christmas are they court ordered or his request (we'll demand)?

Lonecatwithkitten · 09/10/2018 22:39

What does the current contact order say regarding time in holidays. Because I would be sticking rigidly to that.

PerverseConverse · 09/10/2018 22:45

A judge told me to tell my 10 year old she HAD to go whether she liked it or not. Your court order might give you more wriggle room. If he's saying he probably can't see her for 6 weeks then the court won't be happy with that as they look to parents to provide consistent and predictable contact so the kids know what's happening and when and have a routine.
I can't remember the exact details of your case but do you have a solicitor? If not I'd email the court and tell them what he's said and that your daughter is distressed and refusing to go and see what the judge replies. They might tell you to make a new application but they might not. Worth a try Thanks

AnotherExWife · 11/10/2018 09:22

What does the court order say about contact during the Christmas holidays? If it is not stipulated that he has dd for the 7 days then I would refuse - he may threaten to take you to court and I'd let him, he cannot dip in and out of dd's life as and when it suits him and a judge would surely agree.

Hortonlovesahoo · 11/10/2018 15:29

I'd be taking this back to court or getting some advice from the solicitor about the lack of contact now. It's not acceptable for him to be a part time dad. I'd definitely be recording all communication and his complete lack of adherence to the court order

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 12/10/2018 21:01

I'm going to kill him. I'm actually going to. I've just had 30 mins of my poor DD on the phone crying over and over again that she wants to come home and the bastard won't let her Angry. Fuck the bloody court order, I'll breach it over and over until someone finally listens to me.

OP posts:
Hortonlovesahoo · 12/10/2018 21:13

Can you record it? Or record her calls so you've got proof?

simplepimple · 13/10/2018 06:52

This is hard op - your poor DD. He is definitely making sure she will not want to stay with him ever again.

Of course all you want to do is to go and rescue her. How long is she there for?

Is there anything you can do to get you through this time until she is back?

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