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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
mavismcruet · 10/05/2018 11:13

It sounds like he is trying to put you off going back to court as he knows it won’t go in his favour.

You know that a little bit of time and money spent on making things more clear and consistent for your dd is worth far more than years more spent living like this.

I know it’s easier said than done but try to shut off from him emotionally. And learn to read between the lines of what he is saying. Just because he says things confidently or loudly doesn’t make him right.

And maybe tell him that 29 messages etc is harrassment and that if he continues this sort of behaviour you will be speaking to the police. If he values his job that is the last thing he will want to happen.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 10/05/2018 14:20

Thanks all. Have spoken to police and awaiting someone to come and see me. As there is a previous report of harassment/abuse I’ve been told to log everything. Not least as he has continued with the calls today, followed by texts, turning the tables on me and implying I’m the one being unreasonable and ‘he’ll be keeping a record of my refusal to communicate’. I’ve never refused to communicate, merely asked that it’s done by message/email, not over the phone so he can bully/intimidate me further

OP posts:
Jonbb · 10/05/2018 16:29

Well done, I very much hope that his behaviour toward you and your daughter improves.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 10/05/2018 18:01

I have sent him a message giving him an email address which I will check once a week. I’ve blocked him on my phone. I’ve told him DD will be made available for contact as per the court order, pending my request for a variation on the order. Thank you for the advice and support, I can’t deny I’m still bloody terrified of what’s going to happen next but it’s a step in the right direction I hope

OP posts:
Hortonlovesahoo · 10/05/2018 18:26

Well done OP! That must have been difficult to do but you’ve made the right steps for the best interest of your daughter.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 10/05/2018 18:31

Unbelievable. I’ve just spoken to my mum who’s told me he’s been calling and texting her, claiming he can’t get hold of me Angry. I’m fuming, but also barely holding it together. How dare he?!

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 10/05/2018 18:37

What has he being saying to her?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/05/2018 18:49

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It isn't about his job (military family going back generations, many divorced soldiers in it, who either make it work or enjoy this kind of fuckwittery). This is about control.
What (general) rank is he? Not in detail, but NCE, Sergeanty level, WO, or officer type?

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 10/05/2018 19:35

I’m not sure DontDribbleOnTheCarpet. I know he’s Signals and that he’s been in a while, about 10 years I think.
Despite me ending my final text with the clear spelling out that he is not to contact my parents, as they are nothing to do with this, he’s chosen to ignore me AGAIN and continue to text my Mum. Last night he was calling and texting her, giving her the sob story. Unsurprisingly she’s pretty unimpressed. I actually don’t know what else I can do

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 10/05/2018 20:03

Play him at his own game. He'll be more scared of army repercussions than anything. Tell him straight if he continues you will contact them - they won't stand for him putting the army into disrepute

RomeoBunny · 10/05/2018 20:15

^ what sparklepops said. They seriously wont tolerate them being abusive to civilians. Related, married or not.

I've witnessed it. They do pull them up on the behaviour.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 10/05/2018 20:29

I wouldn’t have the first idea how to go about contacting them. I know whereabouts in the country he’s based but no more than that.

OP posts:
Poloshot · 10/05/2018 20:32

Contact the c/o at wherever he's based, blandford or wherever he is.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 10/05/2018 20:34

I don’t know where, I know it’s in Dorset, but that’s all I know

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 10/05/2018 20:38

Look into it on the internet for where he could be, you have his name that's all you need.please stand up to this abuser,he will not defy what the army tell him I'm sure 💐and you do need to go back to court

Poloshot · 10/05/2018 20:50

If it's Dorset it'll be blandford forum

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 10/05/2018 20:53

Ok... does anyone know who I’d be best to contact?

OP posts:
Poloshot · 10/05/2018 21:04

Google the Blandford Garrison website

Motoko · 10/05/2018 21:10

The advice I give in situations like this is based on decades of professional experience dealing with separated mothers and fathers.

Yeah well, coercive control is illegal now thank fuck.

sparklepops123 · 10/05/2018 21:14

Were both on I'd go with what polo shot said

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 10/05/2018 21:33

I don’t know who I’d need to speak to. Won’t they just laugh at me?

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 10/05/2018 21:37

I have sent him a message giving him an email address which I will check once a week. I’ve blocked him on my phone. I’ve told him DD will be made available for contact as per the court order, pending my request for a variation on the order. Thank you for the advice and support, I can’t deny I’m still bloody terrified of what’s going to happen next but it’s a step in the right direction I hope

Perfect! Google the grey rock technique and keep up exactly what you said here ^^

Unbelievable. I’ve just spoken to my mum who’s told me he’s been calling and texting her, claiming he can’t get hold of me angry. I’m fuming, but also barely holding it together. How dare he?!

He’s an idiot, but easily dealt with: she blocks him and ignores him. Hopefully he only has her mobile number.

sparklepops123 · 10/05/2018 21:39

No of course not ask for who deals with family care and take it from their lead ,

Maelstrop · 10/05/2018 21:41

I don’t know who I’d need to speak to. Won’t they just laugh at me?

Nope, they will take it very seriously because he’s committing a criminal offence. He could be arrested for his campaign of harassment against you, not to mention coercive control is now illegal. What an arsehole he is! He’s risking his career and contact with his dd if he’s threatening towards you. Hold firm, Justoneday. It will take time, but he will be made to adhere to the court decision or lose his contact. He will have to give up, just be patient.

Oweeeee · 10/05/2018 21:42

Make an application for a non molestation order OP, my ex is scarily similar to yours and in the early years after our split he was an absolute nightmare. Everything was so difficult but I know now that I made it worse by responding at all.

The non mol prevented him contacting me or my family.

7 years later and I’m in control, he knows if he gets anywhere near arsey and I’ll ignore him full stop.

You need to completely stonewall him, ignore ignore ignore!

Also, a friend was in the army and split from her partner who was also in the army. His welfare officer(I think this was the title) took his threats to my friend very seriously and they stopped instantly.
He went on to have an affair with another soldiers wife and his career has took a huge hit when his superiors found out.
I’d say based on that the army will take his behavior seriously. He is harassing you, no matter what court order is in place, harassment is illegal.

Be strong!