AIBU to take this back to court?

[Justonedayatatime11]

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

@Jonbb

The child should be at the centre of this, absolutely. The DD "adores" her dad, so everything possible to facilitate contact. His work situation may also have changed since the order was granted.

CalF123 - but with phone calls it is hard to prove anything, much easier to manipulate. Texts or email provide a written record.

With a reasonable person, with no abuse then phone calls are fine. With someone who is intimidating then you need the written evidence.

You can't work with someone who is unreasonable.
Saying you are unhappy once is okay - 29 messages and 6 calls is not reasonable.

@CalF123 - lots of children "adore" parents who are abusive to them - thats why we have CAFCAS and young children don't get to decide their own contact.

@CalF123 If he was behaving reasonably then there would be no problem with written communication.

OP, that scale of contact sounds like harassment. It doesn’t matter how many times he phones, you don’t have to answer. if he is threatening you, escalate that, it is not acceptable.

Army personnel clearly believe other army personnel can do no wrong.

Ridiculous replies on this thread. Straight back to court I'd say. Totally unacceptable.

To clarify, this is not about game playing, or oneupmanship. It’s not about ‘using’ messages against him. It’s about the fact that he STILL wants to control and bully me. The messages last night were relentless, with thinly veiled threats and emotional blackmail. All I am looking for is consistency for DD and to be allowed to live my life without the constant fear of intimidation if I don’t jump when he clicks his fingers. to all the PPs who get this and who have offered advice. Calf ODFOD. You exist on here purely to antagonise people and it’s really not pleasant.

I think you’re doing everything right. If there’s an issue with the court order, then go back to court. It’s as simple as that. He’s trying to use emotional blackmail and bullying because he knows it works with you. Keep repeating it and maybe get some advice about harassment

@Justonedayatatime11

I resent that suggestion. The advice I give in situations like this is based on decades of professional experience dealing with separated mothers and fathers.

He’s a controlling arsehole. The army job is irrelevant. He’s pissed off because you aren’t doing as you’re told and he needs to be able to control you. Tell him you’ll facilitate his relationship with DD but that she is available on X weekends and it’s up to him to make that work. If he can't Or he wants to change the planned weekends then he needs to contact you by email or text only.

He will have a massive tantrum because you aren’t abiding by his rules but he doesn’t get to call the shots any more. Stay strong and be a positive role model for your daughter.

CalF you’re suggesting that the OP is responsible for managing her ex husband’s frustration, anger and coercive behaviour and should modify her own very reasonable requests because he is not ‘capable’ of managing his own coercive and harassing behaviour. It’s victim blaming if nothing else.

The op appears to have been reasonable. Requesting written communication and general (not absolute) adherence to to CAO is reasonable.

Suggesting that she is responsible for managing his frustrations with his job is not.

Reply as previously stated I have already booked xyz based on the existing court order these cannot be rearranged I will swap other weekends around if needed

IME many military personnel are programmed to give orders and expect the recipient to follow them, and have real difficulty in accepting that in civvy life outside the barracks it doesn't work that way.

I have no advice as no experience of an ex and access arrangements, but with regard to the bullying do not lay down and accept it. 💐

There is nothing wrong with wanting communicatino just by email. It is easier then to have a record and print it out. in these kinds of situations both sides have to stick to what is in the court order (he was the one who wanted the court order). I have had to manage my children 365 days a year whilst wokring full time and paying for everything so I don't see why sunny Jim here can't do the same. You hire someone to care for the children, hopefully someone really nice who is reliable and stays for years (yes they exist) and then you fix it up and pay them if you cannot do your time as planned and bob's your uncle. If he doesn't want that then he will just have to apply to court for a different order or let the arm know he has these commitments to a child and if he career suffers so bit - given he had said he would leave the army by the time the child was at school he sounds like he is an untrustworthy liar as well as anything else.

The problem is though (as I have had) you cannot force any man to see their children ever even one night a year (I would have liked a night off a year!) if they don't want to. I do favour a law change to a 3 strikes and you're out rule - eg if either parent is more than 20 minutes late or does not show up 3 times then they lose the next month''s contact or else if it is the resident parent not returning the child then the child goes to live with the other parent for a month who has been let down.

Great advice here . You clearly have her best interests in mind unlike her DF

He's making threats? That's not a good idea in his line of work. I don't suppose his commanding officer would look kindly on that sort of behaviour.

I actually don’t know what to do this morning. When I said I’d go back to court and apply for a variation of the order I got guilt tripped with ‘court takes time and money, that’s time and money you should be spending on dd’. So now I feel like a selfish parent as well. I’m drained. I’ve put up with this for 3 years, I’ve let him push me about and bully me into giving in every time and I don’t know how to stop it. I just don’t want to do any of this anymore, I feel like I’m never going to be free of him. If I block his number then i’ll be accused of being obstructive. I just can’t win.

OP you need to think about why you care so much about what he thinks of you.

So what if he thinks you’re obstructive. Stop responding to his babe calling and letting him guilt-trip you. You are allowing him to manipulate you so that he gets what he wants. I think you should speak to women's Aid or think about enrolling in the freedom project - you need to emotionally break away from him.

Don’t answer his callls. Communicate by email or text
Be clear in sticking to the arranged dates

If he can’t do those things it’s HIS problem and it’s not your responsibility to rearrange your life to accommodate his. He’s a grown up, stop enabling his manipulative behaviour

There are a few things you can do this morning.
Contact Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/ for advice and support.
Set up a dedicated email address for all future contact with Ex re DD
Block him on your phone, social media, normal email address etc. Change your number if necessary.
Report his behaviour to the police. You need to do this to evidence his harassment.
Good luck, you can do this

Put it this way. You need proof. So you need to be keeping a record of harassment. Sensible place to start would be a lawyer and the police. And a diary of contact and changes going back as far as possible.

‘court takes time and money, that’s time and money you should be spending on dd’ - you ARE spending the money on DD - this is for her benefit, right?

Just ignore the calls - if he carries on then report him to the police for harassment.
There is being flexible and working in the best interests of your child and there is taking the piss. I would do as others have said - email him dates that you are busy and tell him contact cannot work those weekends. but you will see what you can do about the others but he needs to let you know by such and such a date.
Alternatively just stick to the court order - as long as you have made her available then you are not in breach.
Stop allowing him any kind of control - he is the one being unreasonable. My experience of the forces is that they do everything to support families.

I always find it funny when ex wives expect their ex husbands jobs to suddenly become flexible as soon as they become divorced with no cut in pay. You knew he was in the army when you chose to have the child and the unpredictable hours and short notice that would often come as a part of his job.
I have sympathy when the ex moves into a less flexible job or where hobbies effect contact agreements but pre-existing work commitments really should take priority over you getting fixed contact arrangements as if you were still together you would end up having to change plans at the last minute on a regular basis anyway.

user The OP's ex took the OP to court and asked for the inflexible arrangement. HE wanted it.

Op this sounds super tough. I’d be tempted to repeatedly say ‘dd will be free for your contact as set out in the CAO and I will of course step in and have her if your work m and you can’t. I won’t be making her available on my time with her as set out in the CAO to ensure she has consistency and can attend the activities we have arranged.’

And say that on repeat.

A tougher woman than me would say that he needs to arrange childcare for his CAO time but I don’t want to give him anything to throw in your face.

If you are in line with the CAO and document that he can’t say you’re obstructive to a court. You’re going to have to shrug off the bullshit he says to others.

It's well worth spending time and money on court if it gives your child stability. Your not in a relationship with him anymore don't be intimidated by him!