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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD - crap with money - Aibu to be furious?

262 replies

WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:34

So DD has just left on a 2 month working holiday abroad, except she had no money to take with her and won't be getting any earnings for at least 3 weeks!

We have had to bung her £200 so she can eat till then, which we can't afford as have 3 younger DC, 1 with SN and I can't work because of him.

She had £2700 go into her bank account in April (uni loan and wages) and apart from about £1000 she had to use to pay for her flight, accommodation and incidentals, and she should have saved the rest but continued going out every night! She spent over a £100 this weekend alone despite knowing she was flying today!

She lives at home, and pays no rent and only has her mobile and contact lenses to pay for.

Does nothing round the house, pisses off for days a time so we never know when she'll be in.

She hasn't even finished her Uni assignments! She quit her job 3 weeks ago as she was supposed to be spending that time finishing them before she went.

She sprang the 'I've been stupid and got no money left last night'!

The choice was her not going and having to put up with her attitude and laying in bed all day or give her some money so she could go. Least stress Angry.

Am now awaiting begging phone calls saying she has no money to eat.

Oh and she only has a one way ticket.

Aibu to have wanted to lamp her oneAngry? Also worried for her that she may not be able to eat Confused.

I certainly not the poster who previously posted about her doing similar and asking if I was UR to go through her bank statements. Definitely not me!

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 08/05/2018 18:36

Just don’t send her any money, surely? It’s easy to be crap with money when you know someone will give you £200 whenever you ask for it.

Tough love time here.

user1483387154 · 08/05/2018 18:36

You have been enabling her by letting her get away with it. Why do you expect her to suddenly change?

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:37

Sorry crap grammar and punctuation all over the place. Blood boiling Angry.

OP posts:
IronMansIronButt · 08/05/2018 18:39

yabvu to be furious with her when you are constantly enabling her and babying her.

blinkowl · 08/05/2018 18:40

It's done now, but when she gets back you need to stop bailing her out. Tell her you're not going to do it any more. You're helping her in the short term, but not in the long term, she'll never learn like this.

I'm speaking as someone who was always bailed out. I didn't learn till I got into massive debt.

You don't need to have a go at her. You need to be clear about what the new rules are and stick to it.

Next time, if she spends all her money, tough, she misses her holiday / night out / whatever.

What's happened about her assignments? When's she going to do them?

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:42

Not enabling, she lies about how much money she has.

I have been telling her for weeks to stop going out, so she has money. She should have taken at least £1k.

OP posts:
Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:43

Not taken, had in account.

OP posts:
Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:46

We gave her the money on the proviso that we administer her next uni loan after taking back what she will owe or her bags are packed and keys taken off her.

OP posts:
blinkowl · 08/05/2018 18:46

We have had to bung her £200 so she can eat till then... The choice was her not going and having to put up with her attitude and laying in bed all day or give her some money so she could go. Least stress

This is the enabling bit.

You MUST say no next time. If you don't, you really are enabling her to carry on like this. She's not taking responsibility for herself and you're supporting her financially to do that.

GummyGoddess · 08/05/2018 18:46

Do not send her more money from now. She will survive.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/05/2018 18:46

“I’ve been stupid and got no money left”

OP: “oh dear, you won’t do that again, will you? Have you rung them to say you won’t be going?”

This is what you SHOULD have said. You were a soft touch, OP, and she knew you’d bail her out. You must have done it many a time.

The only time I would give money in those circumstances woukd be if she was out of pocket through no fault of her own. Eg had bag stolen with all her spends /someone had crashed into her car and she had to use her holiday spends to repair it.

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 19:14

Accomm, flight and travel insurance all paid for though. She would have lost close to £700.

TBH I hoped this summer away would make her grow up Hmm.

I did tell her at first 'not our problem', you lose all that money, you'll start to learn, then on further thinking decided it'd be a better investment for her to go (she will be paying it back).

I just cannot get over the stupidity, and sheer piss takery of it.

I had to pay rent from my weekend job from age 16 while still at college and had left home by 18.

I couldn't let her go to a foreign country with no cash.

Her best friend is going with her and she had done exactly the same thing, and has had to beg her parents for money as well Shock.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 08/05/2018 19:16

I would have gone for the option of her not going and if she gave any attitude I would tell her to move out. You have been incredibly soft with her and she is totally taking advantage. It would be bad enough if you were reasonably well off but the fact you aren't makes her behaviour despicable.

Dragongirl10 · 08/05/2018 19:17

Op you are mad to give her money, yes losing the £700 is exactly what she should have faced...maybe ahe would then grow up a bit, you are doing her no favours.

GinghamStyle · 08/05/2018 19:18

Sounds like she'll also be paying board when she gets back. Letting her live with you for free and giving her money isn't helping her to learn to stand on her own 2 feet.

throwcushions · 08/05/2018 19:20

Sunk costs fallacy. She wouldn't lose anything. She would save the money she no longer had to spend.

Next time, tell her tough. She'll never learn otherwise.

corythatwas · 08/05/2018 19:21

I can see why bunging her the money so you could get her out your hair for the summer might look more like an investment than enabling her. You're paying for some peace and who can blame you. Just ignore any phone calls about not having money enough to eat. If she spends her money, she doesn't eat.

snewname · 08/05/2018 19:22

I can see why you gave her the money, but she won't learn until you force her to.

Namechange128 · 08/05/2018 19:23

You said she has only a one way ticket - so she'll be after you for more to pay her way back?
Next time let her lose the £700 instead of you.
In the meantime, can you charge her rent, either to cover her costs or you can save it and give it back to her later? And have you ever actually sat down with her and showed her how to make a budget? DH's parents did but mine never did, and I'll definitely teach our DDs, it isn't hard but isn't natural to plenty of people until actually taught.

TittyGolightly · 08/05/2018 19:23

She lives at home, and pays no rent and only has her mobile and contact lenses to pay for.

Enabling.

Does nothing round the house, pisses off for days a time so we never know when she'll be in.

Enabling.

flowery · 08/05/2018 19:23

”Accomm, flight and travel insurance all paid for though. She would have lost close to £700.”

Perfect, that would have been a lesson learned. But instead of her losing £700, you’ve lost £200 and she’s learned that it’s fine to spend her money irresponsibly, as mum will bail her out.

Dermymc · 08/05/2018 19:24

You've created the monster by enabling it.

You should have said no the first time, and stuck to it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/05/2018 19:24

I did tell her at first 'not our problem', you lose all that money, you'll start to learn, then on further thinking decided it'd be a better investment for her to go (she will be paying it back)

But will she have taken on board the bit about learning from this and paying you back, or just seen that you've given in so she can go?

To me the loss of £700 would have been her problem I'm afraid and all part of the learning experience

But now she's gone with a friend who did the same thing, so I'd recommend you decide what you're going to do when the "I'm soooo hungry and haven't eaten for days" calls start

MirriVan · 08/05/2018 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leeds2 · 08/05/2018 19:25

How do you think she is going to get home, if she only has a one way ticket?

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