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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD - crap with money - Aibu to be furious?

262 replies

WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:34

So DD has just left on a 2 month working holiday abroad, except she had no money to take with her and won't be getting any earnings for at least 3 weeks!

We have had to bung her £200 so she can eat till then, which we can't afford as have 3 younger DC, 1 with SN and I can't work because of him.

She had £2700 go into her bank account in April (uni loan and wages) and apart from about £1000 she had to use to pay for her flight, accommodation and incidentals, and she should have saved the rest but continued going out every night! She spent over a £100 this weekend alone despite knowing she was flying today!

She lives at home, and pays no rent and only has her mobile and contact lenses to pay for.

Does nothing round the house, pisses off for days a time so we never know when she'll be in.

She hasn't even finished her Uni assignments! She quit her job 3 weeks ago as she was supposed to be spending that time finishing them before she went.

She sprang the 'I've been stupid and got no money left last night'!

The choice was her not going and having to put up with her attitude and laying in bed all day or give her some money so she could go. Least stress Angry.

Am now awaiting begging phone calls saying she has no money to eat.

Oh and she only has a one way ticket.

Aibu to have wanted to lamp her oneAngry? Also worried for her that she may not be able to eat Confused.

I certainly not the poster who previously posted about her doing similar and asking if I was UR to go through her bank statements. Definitely not me!

OP posts:
CosyLulu · 10/05/2018 05:52

Feel for you OP and I’m impressed with how you’ve not resorted to arguing back against some of the really nasty posts on here blaming everything on you!

I have an older teenager too and although she’s not quite in your dd’s league, she is absolutely hopeless in a practical sense. Whether this is her for life or whether she’ll settle more naturally into some kind of sensible existence is impossible to guess - just like when she was younger I’d never have foreseen how she is now. Like you, I taught dd to be responsible when younger and she was a really great kid. Nobody can prepare you for the insanity of the teenage years.

I think you are doing theright thing in keeping her out there. Life is way too short to be nothing but punishing and this job with her mate may end up doing you all a favour long-term.

BUT I think you have to make some tough changes when she’s back and stick to them.

kateandme · 10/05/2018 12:44

cor blimey,enabling...ome on people have a bit more compassion.you don't need to be a sap of apparent to help out the children and continue to do so.even if they keep doing it.its not enabling its continuing to support which I think we should all be guilty of. its constantly being there for your kid even after they f* up.enabling makes this sound so horrid and weak.
ok it would make a difference if they were horrid to us.abusive.ungrateful.but some kids are genuinely mukky with money.but I couldn't bare it if they thought I woudnt try to help and simply cut them off take there keys or chuck them out.
sheesh.
tough love
has anyone thought bout sitting her down and being tough.but still being there.asking her how to help because she neeeeds help.
she needs to be worked with to see the problem them helped out of it.makign some spreadsheets etc etc.
lay down the law yes.stop beign a parent to a girl who is young bit dipsy with her cash and cant see the realities of real life I cant think how this will ever help.
has anyone who is saying chuck her or cut her off had this help a young vunrable adult?

Leapfrog44 · 10/05/2018 14:07

Don't meant to be judgy but hasn't the parenting been amiss somewhere along the way? I wouldn't tolerate any of that. Even my 7 year old has to help with chores and there's no way I'd allow a teenager living under my roof and not pulling weight. The accusations of 'enabling' are referring to how you even got to this point by raising a completely immature, waste of space. So now, yes tough love is needed to undo the years where she has not been sufficiently guided towards becoming a responsible young adult.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 10/05/2018 14:14

Hiphopfrog Don’t hold back... if it’s all down to parenting like you are saying, then why so nasty about her daughter?

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 10/05/2018 14:27

HipHop come back when your 7 year old is in their late teens, there's a dear .

When DD was 7, she was a delight as is my current 7 year old. She completely changed as soon as puberty hit. I have 3 other DC who are nothing like her.

At the end of the day I would never abandon her or cut her off. I adore her and want to strangle her in frustration all at the same time.

Today I am calm and just relieved that she is alive and OK. I will deal with her when she comes back. I think she realises she's come to a turning point this time.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 10/05/2018 14:32

I think I'd send her a message saying, "Oh no, the boiler's broken and it will cost loads to fix and the car's broken down too! It's going to cost a fortune. I wish I hadn't given you the £200 now! It'll have to last you as I won't be able to give you another penny." That will tell her before she's had the chance to spend it all. After that, it has to be up to her.

Mumofthreeteenagers · 10/05/2018 17:41

How people are so pious in your misery. If you hadnt lent it she would get a loan. Credit card. Loan shark. Or worst. She would have gone anyway. Regardless.
Uni loan isnt for going abroad. Its for studying costs and in the not distant future she will have 50k debt needing to be paid.
Sounds to me like she is metaphorically running away. Is she struggling at uni? At a crossroad? Depressed? Stressed? Will she come back and drop out?
I was bad with money. No enablers. No bail outs. Didnt stop me getting into trouble. But. You do have to distance and be stronger in no. she IS an adult and she is the one in the wrong. You owe it now to the rest of the family to just say no. X

choli · 10/05/2018 18:26

OP any word from DD today? I hope that things work out for her, this could be a wonderful learning experience for her.

Tistheseason17 · 10/05/2018 19:28

I think she realises she's come to a turning point this time
How has she realised this? You gave her more money....

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 10/05/2018 22:15

Now her phone's been nicked. I fucking despair AngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

I would glug Gin if I drank.

OP posts:
Buxtonstill · 10/05/2018 22:28

Just as I predicted last night. She is playing you like a fiddle....

Motoko · 10/05/2018 22:39

So, are you going to be sending her money for a new phone?

IRefuseToAgree · 10/05/2018 22:42

AngryAngryoh dear OP. Does she have it insured?

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 10/05/2018 22:45

She can buy a new cheap one, can't she?

llangennith · 10/05/2018 22:46

OP keep bailing her out until she comes home then you can have it all out with her.
I really can’t believe all these people saying don’t let her have any money. She’s the OP’s DD ffs and her welfare and safety are paramount.

Biggreygoose · 11/05/2018 07:14

There's none so blind than those who don't want to see.

Being blunt, and as pretty much everyone else has said, you are enabling her.

You have had financial arrangements in the past wrt rent that she has renaged on. She continues to borrow money with no consequences. This. Will. Continue. She has a good deal going. When you get annoyed, she just ignores it an carries on. And you let her .

Do you have the balls to actually kick her out or follow through with any consequences if she won't honour repayment or financial arrangements on her return? Honest question. By her actions she has shown she doesn't think you do, and at the moment she's right.

Also, I'm just chuckling at the idea she will be finishing uni assignments in time for submission while partying it up in Ayia Napa.

( phones can be got for very cheap, it only needs to be basic. Frankly 3 weeks living of of bread, cheese and cheap noodles may do her good.)

2andcountingtodate · 11/05/2018 07:15

Bollocks it's been nicked sold if anything and I doubt anything. No turning point OP not when she is playing you so well and her friend is also likely to be playing her parents well too.

"That's a shame on the phone. Did you insure it or have a contract? Oh well I'm sure you will earn enough to buy another soon. You can email and 16th us through internet cafes or we will call your friend's phone."

2andcountingtodate · 11/05/2018 07:15

Text us

coffeecupofmilk · 11/05/2018 07:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2andcountingtodate · 11/05/2018 07:18

OP keep bailing her out until she comes home then you can have it all out with her.
I really can’t believe all these people saying don’t let her have any money. She’s the OP’s DD ffs and her welfare and safety are paramount.

And given she's so woefully inept the only bail out should be a ticket back. Not an all expenses paid holiday!

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 11/05/2018 08:34

There's none so blind than those who don't want to see.

This.

ShatnersWig · 11/05/2018 08:39

Can't wait for the next update. Gift that keeps on giving, this thread.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 11/05/2018 08:40

Has she actually asked you to do anything with regard to the phone? I would just make sympathetic noises and ask what's the best wayou to contact her in an emergency.

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 11/05/2018 09:16

Phone has been found thank fuck! It was in another roomConfused.

She also has a job already. Maybe it'll all come good in the endSmile.

OP posts:
WhatATimeToBeAlive · 11/05/2018 09:19

So she's used her "uni loan" to go travelling? She sounds like a pampered, entitled princess who needs to grow up.