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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD - crap with money - Aibu to be furious?

262 replies

WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:34

So DD has just left on a 2 month working holiday abroad, except she had no money to take with her and won't be getting any earnings for at least 3 weeks!

We have had to bung her £200 so she can eat till then, which we can't afford as have 3 younger DC, 1 with SN and I can't work because of him.

She had £2700 go into her bank account in April (uni loan and wages) and apart from about £1000 she had to use to pay for her flight, accommodation and incidentals, and she should have saved the rest but continued going out every night! She spent over a £100 this weekend alone despite knowing she was flying today!

She lives at home, and pays no rent and only has her mobile and contact lenses to pay for.

Does nothing round the house, pisses off for days a time so we never know when she'll be in.

She hasn't even finished her Uni assignments! She quit her job 3 weeks ago as she was supposed to be spending that time finishing them before she went.

She sprang the 'I've been stupid and got no money left last night'!

The choice was her not going and having to put up with her attitude and laying in bed all day or give her some money so she could go. Least stress Angry.

Am now awaiting begging phone calls saying she has no money to eat.

Oh and she only has a one way ticket.

Aibu to have wanted to lamp her oneAngry? Also worried for her that she may not be able to eat Confused.

I certainly not the poster who previously posted about her doing similar and asking if I was UR to go through her bank statements. Definitely not me!

OP posts:
Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 20:23

Sorry blinkowl. I have a DS with diagnosed ADHD and Learning Difficulties. It's something I've thought about for DD as she has some mild ADHD traits (very stressy, noisy, quite hyper) but not enough for any diagnosis. She has cousins on DH's side who are similar but nothing like this with money.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/05/2018 20:25

Youve told her that if she calls and asks for money you are booling her a flight home???

I think that was something I suggested rather than what OP said she'd do ... my thought was that, faced with cutting her holiday short, DD would almost certainly sort it out for herself

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 20:25

No NapQueen. I'm saying that we're not giving her any more money, if she can't afford to stay out there, she comes home. She will repay any money we pay for her flight.

OP posts:
ADarkandStormyKnight · 08/05/2018 20:28

I'd be more worried about the missed uni assignments tbh.

Stirner · 08/05/2018 20:28

What a tough situation OP! I'd ignore a lot of the responses though, you bet the majority of the "tough talking" posters wouldn't take their own advice if it was their offspring involved, typical mumsnet really.

DesignedForLife · 08/05/2018 20:30

"Accomm, flight and travel insurance all paid for though. She would have lost close to £700."

Sunk cost fallacy. Look it up. Sometimes it's smarter to quit on an investment when you realise it's going to cost you more than you can afford.

cardibach · 08/05/2018 20:32

What’s the job OP? 2 months starting in May doesn’t sound like repping. If it’s something physically harder or boring, like agricultural work, do you think she’ll stick at it?

NooNooHead · 08/05/2018 20:34

I have to say that I have been enabled by my parents and still am at the age of 37... I feel very ashamed and guilty that I have no real respect for money and am still being bailed out despite having a good career in publishing for a decade, a lovely home, DH and am able to eat every week ok.

I’m sure I have adult ADHD that has not been officially diagnosed. I have always been dreadful at time management, money, debt management, forward planning, etc. Despite these shortcomings, I still managed to get a good degree and stay in a career for years. I think my parents have always mollycoddled me though from the day I was born 3 months premature... I was very much wanted, adopted and loved and it is probably because I was / still am very precious to my parents (and even more so since my DB passed away last year from cancer), and that they have been always giving me extra money when needed.

It doesn’t stop me feeling ashamed that I am an incompetent adult at basic life skills and am being infantaliesed by my parents. They did everything they could for my DB too who was even worse than me and had no job, lived off benefits and disability allowance and was bailed out by then as they thought that he would probably end up on the streets if not. I’m sure they were worried if he had survived cancer then he would have been eaten into their pension for the next 20 years.

So I am with you when it comes to not letting your children be desperate financially, but would advise that you try and let her grow up and be responsible for herself from this age if you can. I love mi parents with all my heart but know they are only making my lack of financial awareness worse by enabling me too much with their kindness.

And before anyone says anything, yes I do say no to them when it comes to help but they don’t ever seem to like to see me struggling... I think in their eyes, I will always be their little girl.

NapQueen · 08/05/2018 20:35

She will repay any money we pay for her flight

Do you really believe that?

Grumblepants · 08/05/2018 20:44

If it were me I'd start asking questions when she calls to see how she's getting on with her budget. If it looks like she's running out and likely to ask you for a top up, tell her you do t give her any more money but you will pay for her flight home.
Once she's home tell her she doesn't have to pay back the £200 But she does need to give you X amount in rent every month (by writing off the £200 she will feel like she has one up on you and see paying rent as her winning £200 that she shoul habe paid back).
Then if she doesn't pay rent, don't g8ve her any warning but just remove stuff from her room on the pretence of selling it to make up the money. Up to you if you sell it or not, depends how pissed you are. I'd probably just stash it at a friend's house. Maybe let her 'buy' it back.
Good luck.

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/05/2018 20:44

She will repay any money we pay for her flight.

And how is this going to happen given that you've let her get away with paying the vast total of £300 in 3 years as room & board.

OP you sound like a lovely person but you really need to cut the apron strings and stop being so soft.

Grumblepants · 08/05/2018 20:46

Sorry for the stupid spelling. Predictive text on this thing is ridiculous!

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 20:49

NooNoo that's it. DD has 'suffered' in a way due to us losing her eagerly awaited sister at birth, when she was 4 and still an only child, and us almost losing her a few months later due to misdiagnosed appendicitis.

Unfortunately she is aware and plays on this. God knows when she'll mature and bloody well quit.

I also had a particularly shit childhood and I never wanted my children to ever feel like I did. She even suggested asking my NC mother for money, as she knows she'll give it to her to try to draw her away from me. Fucking awful situation with my own bloody daughter using my toxic mother as leverage Angry.

I feel quite disgusted with her and still fuming.

OP posts:
blinkowl · 08/05/2018 20:50

WannaBeWonderWoman I didn't want to badger you in case you weren't up for considering it!

If your DS has ADHD, maybe it's worth considering investigating for your DD?

The first link I posted is about how it often goes undiagnosed in girls as we often present differently - the "classic" ADHD signs are based on boys' symptoms.

blinkowl · 08/05/2018 20:50

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

TheSkyAtNight · 08/05/2018 20:51

Sounds like she struggles with organisation generally. Does she have any support with this? Has it always been a problem? If so, it could be undiagnosed dyslexic tendencies... Unis can help if this rings any bells.

Otherwise, I'd have let her lose the £700 I'm afraid as she won't change until she feels the consequences of her actions.

IRefuseToAgree · 08/05/2018 20:53

OP, I’d tell her to transfer some money to you once she starts earning to cover your £200 and to put some away for the flight. Tell her you WILL NOT fund her flight home.

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 20:55

Deal when she comes home will be handing over the bank card for her Uni account and agreeing that we can take the money when it comes in, and that we transfer her money from that account for her Uni expenses. If she doesn't then she can go and live with her mate, no further discussion.

Her friend is the same age but is more enabled than DD despite having a full time job, which she seems to quit every few weeks. I'm not blaming her influence but definitely seems to give DD an example to try to excuse her own behaviour with.

OP posts:
Creambun2 · 08/05/2018 20:58

Are you saying she is blowing all her money on weed?

GummyGoddess · 08/05/2018 20:59

No, your DH can't take away her bank card when her next loan comes in. She's an adult, you can't confiscate another adults bank card. Firstly that cannot be legal, secondly she will never learn if you treat her like a child.

I know you're cross and want to help her but you can't sort her attitude out, she's an adult. She has to do it herself.

MyBlu3Hat · 08/05/2018 21:03

Some countries/airlines won't let you board plane with no return ticket (long haul). All the money side should have been sorted before she departed including return ticket. £200 suspect spend on a good times. She will never learn if you keep bailing her out. Buy her ferry, bus tickets to get back ! The long journey on Megabits may make her think

MyBlu3Hat · 08/05/2018 21:03

Megabus

Nagsnovalballs · 08/05/2018 21:04

You are letting your fear (which is understandable) rule your relationship with your daughter. Whilst she is away, I recommend getting some therapy to address the trauma of losing a child and nearly losing your DD.
If not, you will allow your DD to become a horrible person and will lose her anyway. Some tough action is required. And some minimum standards. For example, my mum had a horrible upbringing and.I learned she was a bit of a soft touch for getting me things that I wanted. HOWEVER, it was always dependent on me doing something in return (achieving grades, doing jobs etc). It means that despite relative wealth and privilege, I have always valued hard work. I still screwed up occasionally, but my mum would just sell my stuff until I had paid back what she had bailed me out with.
I knew the score and i did have a few tragic hysterical crying fits when I was a teen, but she stood her ground and I am a better person for it.

You can do this, but you need some tools and some healing as much as your dd needs to learn that bailouts won’t be happening any more.

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 21:05

Well either she hands it over Gummy or she will find her bags packed and her key taken off her.

I can't keep facilitating her pissing her life away, screwing up her chance of getting a job that she can support herself with, and treating us all like crap when she's at home.

I have always actively sought for my DC to enjoy themselves and have a good time but she's taking it too far!

OP posts:
llangennith · 08/05/2018 21:09

My DC are all in their 40s now but I had similar with the younger two. They wouldn’t listen, went off for months (one Interrailing round Europe, the other to Oz) and I had to bail them out etc etc.
But when they came home they got good jobs and are now both very good with money.

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