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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD - crap with money - Aibu to be furious?

262 replies

WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:34

So DD has just left on a 2 month working holiday abroad, except she had no money to take with her and won't be getting any earnings for at least 3 weeks!

We have had to bung her £200 so she can eat till then, which we can't afford as have 3 younger DC, 1 with SN and I can't work because of him.

She had £2700 go into her bank account in April (uni loan and wages) and apart from about £1000 she had to use to pay for her flight, accommodation and incidentals, and she should have saved the rest but continued going out every night! She spent over a £100 this weekend alone despite knowing she was flying today!

She lives at home, and pays no rent and only has her mobile and contact lenses to pay for.

Does nothing round the house, pisses off for days a time so we never know when she'll be in.

She hasn't even finished her Uni assignments! She quit her job 3 weeks ago as she was supposed to be spending that time finishing them before she went.

She sprang the 'I've been stupid and got no money left last night'!

The choice was her not going and having to put up with her attitude and laying in bed all day or give her some money so she could go. Least stress Angry.

Am now awaiting begging phone calls saying she has no money to eat.

Oh and she only has a one way ticket.

Aibu to have wanted to lamp her oneAngry? Also worried for her that she may not be able to eat Confused.

I certainly not the poster who previously posted about her doing similar and asking if I was UR to go through her bank statements. Definitely not me!

OP posts:
MirriVan · 08/05/2018 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohyesiam · 08/05/2018 19:51

You probably have already done this, but just in case, have you taught her to budget? Just a ledger with outgoings, income and how to balance the two.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/05/2018 19:52

Cyprus is nothing like as problematic as being half the world away ... If the "I'm hungry" calls start, simply offer her a return ticket instead of actual money

I'd bet this month's money that the thought of cutting her holiday short would solve things quite quickly

toolazytothinkofausername · 08/05/2018 19:52

Can't you just pack her 3 weeks worth of Tesco Everyday Value Chicken Flavour Instant Noodles?

Flexoset · 08/05/2018 19:55

Sorry, but I'm another one who reckons you are massively enabling her and you have actually created this situation.

You do need to let her fall. Otherwise she will be like this forever. Because she can be.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/05/2018 19:56

This year it's all gone to pot Angry literally!

Could you expand on what this means?

CaMePlaitPas · 08/05/2018 19:56

You know what, she's an adult, I'd be inclined to let her fend for herself.

blinkowl · 08/05/2018 19:56

Just throwing this out there, but it's possible also she's terrible at looking after money and is reckless because of some kind of executive processing disorder like ADHD?

If there is any possibility that might be the case, it doesn't mean you should continue to bail her out - in the contrary you need to be even more careful about making sure you draw clear boundaries around what is and isn't acceptable and sticking to them.

But your DD sounds like she's living pretty chaotically, isn't good at planning ahead, or time keeping (as in doing assignments on time), she takes risks. Has she always been like that? Does she get really absorbed in stuff she's interested in, but finds it really hard to get stuff done like homework? Look up inattentive ADHD and see if anything rings a bell.

I'm not saying kids with ADHD should be allowed to get away with it! But ADHD in young adults can look exactly like them just taking the piss and so it can be missed that actually they need some help. (But that help is not giving them £200 to sod off on holiday when they've frittered it away!)

lljkk · 08/05/2018 20:04

I'll just give you sympathy, OP. My DD is actually very academic but an idiot with money. I'd like to throttle.

blinkowl · 08/05/2018 20:04

Cross post. If she's capable but messing up exams I'd be more inclined to look up ADHD just in case.

ADHD isn't just about hyperactivity, there are different kinds. It's not even about a difficulty in concentrating as people with ADHD can concentrate deeply - on stuff they're interested in!

This is worth a watch:

throwcushions · 08/05/2018 20:05

The idea re buying her a return ticket if she runs out of money is a good one. You must learn to say no or she will continue doing this.

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 20:08

Yes, we taught her to budget! From when she started getting pocket money, then working part time and got her uni money - opened two bank accounts - uni loan in one, wages in another. Wages to be spent on clothes, toiletries and 'fun'. Uni loan account used for train, lunches, equipment. We've talked to her about money until we're blue in the face.

She was not raised like this either!

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/05/2018 20:10

Who said “but she would be losing 700 quid, I can understand why OP lent her the money”

Tough titty! If she was on her own in this world, as a lot of 20 somethings are, she wouldn’t have a soft touch parent to fall back on and would have no choice but to be responsible.

OP, please don’t tell me she’s gone to be a rep in Aiya Napa!! If so, this summer will be just one long night out for her, with YOU funding it once she’s gone through her wages.

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 20:12

Yep, told her if she calls for money, we will be booking her a return ticket and she's to come home.

DH is going to take her bank card for her Uni loan before she gets the next one.

OP posts:
Mivery · 08/05/2018 20:12

You're definitely enabling her to act like a child OP. She wouldn't do these things if she knew she couldn't get away from them. I think after she comes home you need to sit her down and have a realistic talk about money. She's not a child anymore, so I don't think trying to punish her makes sense. Especially when I believe you're partially to blame.

I would have a very frank discussion about how she is taking advantage of your kindness and living like a teenager and it has to stop. You can't afford to keep giving her money for no reason, and more importantly you're not helping her to grow up by enabling her to act this way. You won't be bailing her out anymore and she needs to start being responsible with her money. Teach her to make a budget and help her get started. After that, she's on her own unless she's truly in dire straights.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/05/2018 20:12

“Yes, we taught her to budget! From when she started getting pocket money, then working part time and got her uni money - opened two bank accounts - uni loan in one, wages in another. Wages to be spent on clothes, toiletries and 'fun'. Uni loan account used for train, lunches, equipment. We've talked to her about money until we're blue in the face.”

Then you’ve done your job as a parent. The rest is up to her.

I think you’re in denial to be honest. Despite the 99% of people here saying she needs to learn a harsh lesson, you don’t seem to be swinging that way.

Tansytaylor · 08/05/2018 20:13

What is she, 18 or 19?

Yes it's infuriating. I do wonder how many of those commenting here actually own a son or daughter of this age. I do.

However when you're a parent, these sort of idealistic things don't tend to happen. I'd have done the same as you OP however I'd also be taking control of her incoming money to take back what I was owed. I'd also be implementing changes for when she moves back in

Mine isn't too bad. She is at uni and knows I won't bail her out so she manages and has a job too. She's not perfect though

And when I say I won't bail her out ... she ran out of money just the once and asked me to 'lend' her some to tide her over. I refused and told her to tell me all her outgoings for that day. So I paid for her bus fare. Her lunch. A drink in the afternoon. And she had to text me each time and I transferred over the £3, £5, £1 etc

Worked for us anyway

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 20:13

Correct Curly.

OP posts:
Graphista · 08/05/2018 20:14

You sound like my mother - my sister is now in her 40's single mum to 3 and my parents STILL regularly bail her out (at least once a month). My mother is GENUINELY worried she'll end up starving and homeless after my parents pass (partly because like hell would bro or I bail her out - we couldn't afford to anyway!!)

Sister has a lovely life, nice car and house, holidays several times a year, kids and her well clothed, nights out, nice groceries etc - yet to hear her and and my mother tell it when she's asking to be bailed out AGAIN you'd think she was on the bones of her arse!

Guessing dd is 18/19? Enough is enough. She should be paying at least nominal keep, helping at home and living within her means. If she doesn't DON'T bail her out!

Why on EARTH has she only a one way ticket? That's stupid! How is she planning to get home? - oh wait! Mums gonna pay for that ticket!

"...except she probably won't do that as she knows she'll be bailed out"

Honestly you're not doing her ANY favours.

"We've tried to get her to pay rent" sorry but you really haven't. I've a 17 year old that's working full time. She knows full well if she didn't pay her keep on time she'd be in deep shit inc the possibility of being kicked out! She knows it isn't free to run a household that the energy, food, cleaning products, equipment and furniture she uses all cost.

But honestly - you start when they're MUCH younger. Pocket money for personal expenditure - and when it's gone it's gone! Are you doing the same with your younger DC that you did with her?

Even her education - yes uni is her problem BUT what happened with her gcse's? Are there ANY consequences for not doing as she should?

blinkowl · 08/05/2018 20:15

Oops I meant to post this one - it's a general intro to ADHD:

Being impulsive, crap with planning, crap with money, getting lower grades than you are capable of, taking risks with personal safety, rubbish at doing work on time are all things that can be just a teenager being a typical teenager - but could also be signs of ADHD.

I won't post again if you don't respond, OP! But your DD sounds a lot like me, and I have been referred for diagnosis for ADHD as an adult. (Currently on 1 year waiting list!)

It's worth considering is all I'm saying. She may not be being crap about organising her life simply because she's a taking the piss but because she really doesn't know how else to be - that might be simply lived experience of never having to take responsibility, or something deeper.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/05/2018 20:15

OP: face palm

So yes, Aiya Napa rep? A summer of partying?

MumofBoysx2 · 08/05/2018 20:15

I guess it's par for the course. We've had the same with step children (now older and more sensible!) Bank of Mum and Dad is part of it!

BarbarianMum · 08/05/2018 20:19

If you stamp doormat on your forehead and lie on the floor you shouldn't be surprised when people walk all over you.

NapQueen · 08/05/2018 20:21

Youve told her that if she calls and asks for money you are booling her a flight home?????? Are you completely ignoring the advice on this thread?

Do. Not. Pay. For. A. Single. Thing. Not a flight home, not a meal, not a nothing.

Buxtonstill · 08/05/2018 20:22

If she rings asking for money, tell her the only thing you will pay for is a flight home. YABU to be furious as by bailing her out, you are telling her is ok to act in this way.

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