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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD - crap with money - Aibu to be furious?

262 replies

WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:34

So DD has just left on a 2 month working holiday abroad, except she had no money to take with her and won't be getting any earnings for at least 3 weeks!

We have had to bung her £200 so she can eat till then, which we can't afford as have 3 younger DC, 1 with SN and I can't work because of him.

She had £2700 go into her bank account in April (uni loan and wages) and apart from about £1000 she had to use to pay for her flight, accommodation and incidentals, and she should have saved the rest but continued going out every night! She spent over a £100 this weekend alone despite knowing she was flying today!

She lives at home, and pays no rent and only has her mobile and contact lenses to pay for.

Does nothing round the house, pisses off for days a time so we never know when she'll be in.

She hasn't even finished her Uni assignments! She quit her job 3 weeks ago as she was supposed to be spending that time finishing them before she went.

She sprang the 'I've been stupid and got no money left last night'!

The choice was her not going and having to put up with her attitude and laying in bed all day or give her some money so she could go. Least stress Angry.

Am now awaiting begging phone calls saying she has no money to eat.

Oh and she only has a one way ticket.

Aibu to have wanted to lamp her oneAngry? Also worried for her that she may not be able to eat Confused.

I certainly not the poster who previously posted about her doing similar and asking if I was UR to go through her bank statements. Definitely not me!

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 09/05/2018 10:10

So your deal should be - if she calls you bleating that she's stuck and has no money, the only help she will get is you booking her a flight home so she can work locally. No money sent. Nothing. Not even enough for a sandwich before the flight home.

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 09/05/2018 10:15

Yup Fizzy. She was whingeing last night that she had to get the bus (2 hours €5) from the airport rather than a taxi (40mins €50). Hopefully its sinking in already!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 09/05/2018 10:16

What job has she lined up?

sashh · 09/05/2018 10:17

Glad you have had that chat OP.

Hopefully it will give her a chance to grow up.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/05/2018 11:14

Assignments not due in for another 2 weeks. She will finish them while she's out there apparently

And if she chose going out instead of getting it done while at home, do you honestly think that's likely now she's away?

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 09/05/2018 11:26

Not my problem Puzzled. If she can't do her 3rd year then she'll have to get a full time minimum wage job and pay up or leave. I know she will definitely die at he thought of signing on for jobseekers.

OP posts:
CarrotVan · 09/05/2018 11:34

It sounds highly unlikely that she'll complete the assignments to a reasonable standard so she might need to consider how she's getting back for the re-sit period in August. Many universities charge an additional fee for re-sits which is usually around £20-30 per course unit.

She will not be granted any special circumstances considerations for going away on a working holiday as her circumstances and not unforeseen and she could have planned around them.

If there's any possibility of ADHD then she could seek advice from University disability support services

Xenia · 09/05/2018 11:40

It must be frustrating but at least she's fixed something up will learn about what things cost etc. I have 2 away at university at present so they perhaps have a bit more obligation to manage money, food etc as they aren't living here and this trip of your daughter away from home might help teach her what things cost. At least she's not dossing around the house until September when term starts. It could all work out fine. May be just cut her some slack but don't send any more money. I would chase her over hte assignments however as if she gets those in she can then relax unless she has to do resits in August.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/05/2018 11:48

If she can't do her 3rd year then she'll have to get a full time minimum wage job and pay up or leave

A very sensible suggestion, but since you've already found it impossible to get her to contribute properly, the issue you need to face is whether you mean it

Having been constantly bailed out she certainly won't think you do, so she could well rehearse ever more desperate stories to tell you and then simply go ballistic if they don't work

Are you prepared to deal with that?

DaisyChainsForever · 09/05/2018 11:54

Have you heard that she arrived safely OP? Guidance on entering Cyprus is that you have a return ticket and sufficient funds to support yourself. (And a visa if staying longer than 90 days). She may not even be allowed to enter based on what you've said 😳

Lizzie48 · 09/05/2018 11:59

You may find this is the making of her. It sounds like it could be a real learning curve, if you don't bail her out. We have a 19 year old French au pair with us. She's been here for 6 months and she's developed so much. Okay, sometimes she acts like a teenager, sleeps in for ages on a weekend, doesn't get back when she's said she would, but she's great with our DDs, lives within her means (we pay her pocket money weekly), and she's mostly very responsible now.

lhastingsmua · 09/05/2018 12:05

How old is she? I think these things come i time, and when you actually have real responsibilities and obligations- you aren’t helping by bailing her out everytime. She won’t really learn the value of money will she

When I was 16 my parents gave me loads of money, I also had a part time job whilst studying so I had a surplus of money that I literally wasted on clothes, makeup, going out, taxis everywhere etc.

When I was 18 I moved out for uni, but also got student loan, access to a savings account with a decent amount of money and my parents gave me a large amount of money for uni too...I STILL frittered all of that away on going out, expensive tech, clothes etc etc.

However I moved to London so when my initial boost of money ran out, I had to start working full time whilst studying full time to pay my rent and food and travel costs. I was living paycheck to paycheck with my current spending habits at the time (eg Uber’s everywhere, £100 night outs etc). I quickly learnt the harsh reality of London life on a retail salary and I have changed my spending habits ever since as I was forced to.

My point is, if you keep enabling her you’re only encouraging the problem. I can’t believe she doesn’t have money to book a flight home but she still went away anyway....it’s because she knows that she’ll be okay and work it out as you’ll bail her out. Better to nip it in the bud now before she starts relying heavily on credit cards, overdrafts and loans as she doesn’t have a healthy concept of money

sashh · 09/05/2018 13:19

DaisyChainsForever

Cyprus is in the EU, we (at the moment) have free movement.

Strongmummy · 09/05/2018 17:44

Don’t enable her. Don’t send her money. Don’t pay for her ticket. Let her sort out her own shit

Teacher22 · 09/05/2018 17:50

Your daughter will never allow herself to starve so don't worry about that.

Say you need to talk to your DD. Be very reasonable with her and do not lose your temper. Say you love her but you are worried that you are not helping her become independent by bailing her out and so you are not giving her any more money at all in future.

Write down a list of things she will have to do in future which could include: being on top of her finances, paying her way regarding bed, board and lodging, budgeting and saving for things she wants, for instance. You might want to say something tactful about learning the difference between needs and wants.

You will encounter resistance, and, if she's anything like my two, this could be a tough interview for you. Be prepared for tears, storms and abuse. Keep calm and go for 'time out'.

What you must do is stick to your guns. If you give this child an inch she will take a mile. It will take real suffering (in a 'first world problems' way) for her to get the message. If she has arranged a one way ticket to a foreign destination with no money for food let her decide whether to go without the money for herself. She will not get on the plane without the belief you will bail her out. Don't. When she sees the plane ticket has been wasted and that you can keep to your word she will not do such a thing again.

I know a mother who was so sick of her son's intransigent ways that she piled his stuff on his bed and told him to get a job or leave. He got a job, did well at it, was promoted and then realised he had the potential for so much better and took himself to university. After achieving a first he's now in a highly paid job in the city about to buy his first flat.

Tough love.

Frazzledstar1 · 09/05/2018 18:04

I would have taken the tough luck route and made her lose the £700 and not go, but I imagine DP would have given the money as he’s soft like that.
Anyhow, it’s done now, I hope you made it very clear that the £200 you have her would be the only money she would be getting and if she wants to eat then she needs to spend her money wisely.
I am absolutely crap with money, but I went on a 5 month working holiday when I was 19 and my mum made it very clear I was to fund it myself. I managed to eat and survive and not have to borrow money from parents so it can very much be done!

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 09/05/2018 18:26

Well I've had the 1st 'I'm going to starve message'. Another £50 gone Angry.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 09/05/2018 18:28

Another £50 gone

I hope you haven’t sent her more money.

WomaninGreen · 09/05/2018 18:29

If she can't manage on the money, maker her return

Also sounds a bit odd

One way ticket

Presume commission based? You might find she wants to come home.

Hortonlovesahoo · 09/05/2018 18:32

Why did you send her another £50? Stop enabling her!

WomaninGreen · 09/05/2018 18:34

Oh I thought you meant she'd spent it
Not that you sent more already?

Graphista · 09/05/2018 18:37

Are you mad?! No way she has spent £200 in a day or so and if she has let her bloody starve!

STOP GIVING HER MONEY!

She's gone out there as an adult - let her adult!

Cel82 · 09/05/2018 18:39

I have a family member who has 4 adults youngest nearly 30 and has enabled all of them and still does. My relative has had to keep working when they should have been able to retire. One of them actually said they didn't ask to be born so why should they provide for themself!!!wtf!!!??!! I would say as you have younger children as well, rules need to be set out now and stuck to. She needs to be told ...." don't ask me for more I've bailed you out for the last time." When she gets home family meeting and out line your new expectations and rules. If she doesn't like it tough. She finds a place to rent and learns the real cost of living the hard way and realises her own choices have consequences that are her problem to deal with.... she will soon appreciate what you have been doing for her..... If something was out of her control of course support her but maybe don't make a big deal of that as she fibs about her balance now😕 It will be hard because you do just want to protect etc- especially if youre going too get the guilt trip and sulks, but long term, especially when she is older again, she will thank you and can't blame you for not preparing her for life etc (which has also been thrown at relative!?!) Definitely stay mega calm when having discussion don't react to any protests etc as a lack of emotion can sometimes have more impact than the opposite she may realise she had actually pushed to far and this is non negotiable. All the best 💐

Graphista · 09/05/2018 18:45

And what happened to "if she asks for money I'm making her come home"?

choli · 09/05/2018 18:49

You sent her more money!? I bet she and her friend are playing both sets of parents for idiots and laughing their arses off at you allAngry

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