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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD - crap with money - Aibu to be furious?

262 replies

WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:34

So DD has just left on a 2 month working holiday abroad, except she had no money to take with her and won't be getting any earnings for at least 3 weeks!

We have had to bung her £200 so she can eat till then, which we can't afford as have 3 younger DC, 1 with SN and I can't work because of him.

She had £2700 go into her bank account in April (uni loan and wages) and apart from about £1000 she had to use to pay for her flight, accommodation and incidentals, and she should have saved the rest but continued going out every night! She spent over a £100 this weekend alone despite knowing she was flying today!

She lives at home, and pays no rent and only has her mobile and contact lenses to pay for.

Does nothing round the house, pisses off for days a time so we never know when she'll be in.

She hasn't even finished her Uni assignments! She quit her job 3 weeks ago as she was supposed to be spending that time finishing them before she went.

She sprang the 'I've been stupid and got no money left last night'!

The choice was her not going and having to put up with her attitude and laying in bed all day or give her some money so she could go. Least stress Angry.

Am now awaiting begging phone calls saying she has no money to eat.

Oh and she only has a one way ticket.

Aibu to have wanted to lamp her oneAngry? Also worried for her that she may not be able to eat Confused.

I certainly not the poster who previously posted about her doing similar and asking if I was UR to go through her bank statements. Definitely not me!

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 08/05/2018 21:11

Moving her out may be the best thing to teach her to manage herself. She will never manage if you keep treating her like a child. She's learnt to manipulate you and will step that up as long as she thinks she can get away with it.

wizzywig · 08/05/2018 21:11

I have adhd and am not shit with money. Because i knew i had noone to fall back on.

lborgia · 08/05/2018 21:13

It is possible to have ADHD/ADD and be manipulative at the same time. I have been diagnosed very late with ADD, and my whole life has changed. I was a nightmare for 35 years in terms of managing money, life, work etc., BUT I wasn’t out every night, and expecting my parents to bail me out (they wouldn’t anyway). You said that she did well for the first year at uni, and if her flat mate/friend is ridiculous about money, does sound as if she’s seen this as an option. I more or less held it together until I had a flat mate who was even worse than me, and we used to go shopping together..... it was great fun, but in hindsight I realised why she had debt collectors at the door Confused.

Try and “chill” now she’s gone. Recover your strength, make a calm plan, read from this website for insight, ADDitude and ignore the text messages. At worst, a flight back from Cyprus can’t be that much (unless it’s with a day’s notice), and as soon as she’s home, implement your new plan.

Hippywannabe · 08/05/2018 21:20

But if she fails this year of Uni, there won't be a loan for next year for her to repay you ...

BewareOfDragons · 08/05/2018 21:23

I agree with the majority: you are enabling her. She shouldn't have gone if she didn't have the money. Now you;ll have to spend even more of your money to get her home, no doubt.

I'm sorry she's playing your toxic mother against you, but you'll have to stand firm. She will bleed you dry!

ShellyBoobs · 08/05/2018 21:27

OP, you do know she's not going there to work really, don't you?

She's just taking the piss out of you.

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 21:32

She won't fail Uni. She's started all her assignments, they needed more work doing as she's only working at 60% due to not spending enough time on them. She needs a minimum 2:1 to make Uni worthwhile which she insisted she would get Hmm.

OP posts:
MudCity · 08/05/2018 21:48

But if you take her bank card, she can just report it as lost and get a new one.

When you initially said working holiday I was thinking that maybe she would be doing something useful...volunteering or something....seems not.

There is no way I would help fund a ‘working holiday’ to Ayia Napa.

Graphista · 08/05/2018 21:53

You're blaming EVERYONE but yourself! Dd, your mother, her friend... YOU raised her YOU enabled her YOU KEEP bailing her out!

Yes she is PARTIALLY to blame but honestly your role as a parent is/was to raise a capable, mature adult.

And I agree, infantilising her by controlling her bank account FOR her is ridiculous. Plus I don't believe you'll do it and you'll STILL bail her out THAT is what you have to address - not her running out of money that's her problem now what YOU have to do is STOP rescuing her.

Your loss of a child and almost losing dd while sad and traumatic are NOT an excuse for letting her away with bad behaviour ever since!

"I have always actively sought for my DC to enjoy themselves and have a good time" why? This is a nice thing to do but absolutely should not be the focus of their lives - because life isn't like that. Raising them to think so means real life is going to be a huge fucking shock! That's unfair to them.

It would be lovely as a parent to only ever do nice fun things and only ever be the good guy - but it's a hugely irresponsible way to parent. It's not really parenting is it?

It's too late now but you really should not have bailed her out this time. Make it the last time.

Serious words when she gets back I'd even present her with a 'contract' of your expectations IF she is to continue living at home

Uni work prioritised WAY above nights out
Specifics re helping at home
Realistic but strict repayment schedule - with penalties for late payments.

Tara336 · 08/05/2018 21:59

My brother is crap with money, he is 40s and has been constantly bailed out by my parents since his teens, his wife has even joined in using my parents as a bank. You are enabling your daughter and you will end up like my parents. Do her a favour start saying no

peachypetite · 08/05/2018 22:03

You should have let this be an important life lesson to her.

Graphista · 08/05/2018 22:05

"She won't fail uni" you cannot possibly know that. In addition these days there are minimum attendance and submission requirements because your daughter is taking a place that can EASILY be filled by a higher paying more dedicated international student.

You're in deep denial here.

You need to address properly why you have enabled her so much in order to avoid doing so for your other DC. I very much doubt you can afford to bail out 4 of them!

Are your other 3 DC missing out on things because of bailing your eldest out? Where was that £200 going this summer originally? Days out? A holiday?

Why should they be missing out?

You HAVE to acknowledge your responsibility in this. Until you do this very unhealthy dynamic will not change.

Tara - yes my sisters ex did that. I'm now Nc with sister so don't want to know anything anyway but before I was I got to the point where I had to say to mum to stop complaining about it because she wasn't going to stop doing it and it gets very tiresome hearing someone complain about something they have the power to change but CHOOSE not to.

Biologifemini · 08/05/2018 22:07

You can get on top of this fiasco.
If she asked for 200 then why not just send 50 quid.
If she continues like this she will have a miserable life - you are setting her up for failure.
She needs a job (not in bloody ayia napa) and to do some serious budgeting.
Expect some hysterics as a result. Teens are good at that.

3luckystars · 08/05/2018 22:17

I’m so sorry you are dealing with all this.
I dread trying to teach my children about money. I’m planning on reading a few books this year to get some advice on this because I was reckless when I was young too.

I hope she learns how to budget this summer, it might be the best thing that happens her. Take care x

peanutspie · 08/05/2018 22:55

Aww my mum enabled my sister. Every time she maxed the credit card out there was my mum.
Finally mum snapped. Said no. Guess when my sister grew up. Wink

dipsticky · 08/05/2018 23:12

Following this one with interest...

Love the idea of transferring 50p every time she needs something until she wakes up and gets a job and starts being sensible!

2andcountingtodate · 09/05/2018 07:56

Her friend did it too? Sorry to say this OP but they both have their parents sussed. You've been played. If she runs out of money abroad she gets a job. That's what df had to do. She ran low and started bartending and PRing for the bar. It made her.

TheHonGalahadThreepwood · 09/05/2018 08:33

Haven't read the whole thread but I know of a few families who charge their late teenage DCs rent, take half and bank the other half on DCs' behalf. It's not perfect but the idea is to help them transition to getting used to budgeting and paying bills before they live totally independently, and DCs get used to building up savings.

ShatnersWig · 09/05/2018 08:44

You're living in cloud cuckoo land, OP, and being played for a mug and a doormat and your daughter knows precisely what she's doing. She knows you'll bail her out because you've let her get away with everything for years. You are enabling her behaviour.

PutDownThatLaptop · 09/05/2018 08:47

I think it is more of a common problem with this age group that people would like to admit. One of my children is the same. No outgoings to speak of, good wage, lives at home, constantly getting final demand letters for mobile phones, credit cards, technology bought on credit etc. When a payday loan letter dropped through the letterbox I decided enough was enough. Fortunately I am in the financial position to bail him out of everything, which I did. However I then drew up a repayment plan and made him pay me back a large amount (enough for him to feel it) every month until it was paid back.

Sparklesocks · 09/05/2018 08:52

As others have said I think you need to stop sending her money when she messes up, otherwise she will go through her adult life thinking there is no fallout to bad money management as she always gets bailed out.

Also you need to make sure she starts pulling her weight at home. Maybe she could give you a slice of her student loan as she’s not paying accommodation, but at the very least she should be helping out with chores/cooking and contributing to the household that way.

Ingurr · 09/05/2018 09:01

Why did she buy a single air ticket? I thought that a return ticket did not cost much more than a single.

Lizzie48 · 09/05/2018 09:39

My brother has been enabled by our DM all his adult life. Yes, he has MH issues, but so do DSis and I, because of a traumatic childhood. But DSis and I grew up. DM just keeps enabling him, bailing him out, making all the arrangements for him, controlling his money because he has no concept of budgeting. He used to call us to ask for money as well, as my DH had access to his bank account. In the end, we just refused and we're very low contact with both of them.

He's 50 btw, but he behaves like a child. He's not even nice to her, or to us. He shouts, gets defensive and emotionally abusive. When he used to stay overnight it was like having a third child. He also shouted at our DDs, so that they were scared of him. So we have nothing to do with him now.

People don't grow up and become fully functional adults if you infantilise them. You need to take responsibility for having enabled your DD and stop doing it.

sashh · 09/05/2018 09:45

I presume she’s going to Australia? How on earth is she going to get back if she doesn’t have any money?

If it is Australia they won't let her in without a return or onward ticket.

Sorry just seen it is Cyprus.

She won't fail Uni. She's started all her assignments, they needed more work doing as she's only working at 60% due to not spending enough time on them. She needs a minimum 2:1 to make Uni worthwhile which she insisted she would get

If she has not handed in her assignments unless she has some form of extenuating circumstances she has just failed year two.

And, at the risk of alarming you, do you think she would do something stupid to get money? I'm thinking Melissa Reid and Michaella McCollum stupid.

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 09/05/2018 10:01

We have discussed 'dodgy' working opportunities at length sashh. Really don't think she would go there, she looked horrified.

Assignments not due in for another 2 weeks. She will finish them while she's out there apparently.

I certainly don't expect to be in this position with her when she gets to 50 Lizzie. Actually I'm hoping this trip will help me distance myself from her a bit, so I can let go and let her get on with it. She's been abroad before on her own but only for up to a week.

She didn't book a return flight as they don't know when they'll be back. They could be over there till September if they earn what she's been told they will.

She has a job lined up. She went with an agency. They'll be living in an apartment complex with fellow workers from the same agency.

OP posts: