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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

473 replies

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 18:57

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

OP posts:
windermerebell · 07/05/2018 20:15

CalF123
So you think it is reasonable for the op to provide this childcare without even being offered a penny from ex SIL.

The OP chooses to work part time why should her other days be taken up with this child just because her ex SIL wants to earn more money. The op prob wants to spend quality time with her child. Also there could start to be resentment from the Ops daughter that there is always the niece around when she prob just wants some one on one with her mum

The op also said the SIL has never offered once to have her child and only gets in touch when she wants something.

Billben · 07/05/2018 20:15

Do you think you’re gonna see much of her when she gets her inheritance and gives up work? I don’t think so.

I’d tell her no for the holidays. End of.

LeighaJ · 07/05/2018 20:16

Both of them sound extremely selfish and to state the obvious they're just using you without giving a flying fuck about you or your life or plans you may have of your own.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 20:16

Sent! DH told me he'd go to the shop and buy a bottle of wine if I added the bit in about holiday club. Would be rude not to Grin

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 07/05/2018 20:18

Any excuse for wine sounds my kind of plan! Cheers!

Ginger1982 · 07/05/2018 20:18

Jog on Cal. Why on earth should OP give up EVERY Monday and Friday to look after DN? Would you do it for your ex SIL? She said they can't go out as the car isn't big enough for all the car seats so she should just be housebound those days??

Teggun · 07/05/2018 20:19

Excellent! Well done Cherry and enjoy your Wine

RandomMess · 07/05/2018 20:19

Hopefully that's the end of it! Good email.

Ginger1982 · 07/05/2018 20:19

Ooh, let us know what she says!!

CalF123 · 07/05/2018 20:19

@windermerebell

I think it is perfectly reasonable for the SIL to expect the OP to provide unpaid childcare, yes. Millions of families have such arrangements. I'd find it incredibly bizarre for her to accept payment.

The person in question is not 'this child'- it is the OP's niece. I'd certainly do everything in my power to make things as good as possible for my DN- and if that requires a few days of her playing with my DD so her mother can earn money to feed her- so what?

jarhead123 · 07/05/2018 20:20

Cal are you the cheeky SIL?

OP YANBU, SIL is a CF. Can't wait to see her reply!

NWQM · 07/05/2018 20:21

Yeah! High 5 to you! Perfect message and tone. Enjoy your wine but do let us know the reply.

iheartmichellemallon · 07/05/2018 20:21

Well done Op - excellent text.

myrtleWilson · 07/05/2018 20:22

ah calf - a bit of a GF on most threads I've seen them on - OP berate yourself for not only not looking after DN on your two days but actually the entire neighbourhoods children!

Chapterandverse · 07/05/2018 20:23

Cal

My SIL was a stay at home wife (child free by choice) when I was pregnant with ds. Dd was 3 and I was hospitalised with hyperemisis. She didn't once offer to look after our dd despite her living three streets away.
Dh drove a 40 mile round trip to leave dd with my sister/aunt/mother just ad-hoc care as I had been a sahm.

There was never an expectation that sil would have our dd. I can't see why OP is expected to have her niece in less than emergency circumstances.

HettySunshine · 07/05/2018 20:23

You're doing the right thing op. If you don't draw the line now you'll be looking after dn for weeks at a time will cf is off spending her inheritance on sun and cocktails.

CalF123 · 07/05/2018 20:23

@Ginger1982

Why should the SIL lose out on money to give her DD a better life when there is a close family member perfectly capable of looking after her DD but choosing not to?

Papier · 07/05/2018 20:24

Send the text. Cheeky fucker.

The attitude of your BIL and ex SIL boils my piss. I am a SAHM and I too have had to deal with cheeky fuckers like them for years.

Andylion · 07/05/2018 20:24

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday

The "book us in now" part that really ticks me off.

OP, that's an excellent text you sent.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 07/05/2018 20:24

Well done! I use to do the same. I then discovered a day to myself with dc. I made a huge sacrifice with work because I wanted to be a sahm. I enjoy it. I love school holiday lie ins. Trips to cinema. Random shopping and coffees. I don't enjoy trips abroad because of my choice. Holiday playdates suit me!

Inertia · 07/05/2018 20:24

I'd have added in another line asking which days SIL or BIL can look after your child, so you'd know which days you don't need holiday club...

Nanna50 · 07/05/2018 20:24

YANBU to say no and I agree with others who have said you were meaning to mention that you weren't available this summer. Would this be the next time that looking after your DN would happen Students can often pick up extra hours making themselves available for main holiday cover during the summer.

She probably expects it because you have done it for 3 years and although there has been no discussion or arrangement there's also been no disagreement. She may think her ex has talked to his brother and its not an issue.

Is the real reason that you don't want your DN because you believe your ex SIL now has money. Have you looked to see if the house was sold? If this is the only way your DC can see their cousin then perhaps you could offer a couple of days because it suits you and say that you have other plans for the rest of the summer holidays and are not available.

Otherwise just say no, don't make up elaborate excuses just that this year you have other plans. Do it by text the same as she has Smile

Juells · 07/05/2018 20:25

@jarhead123

Cal are you the cheeky SIL?

teehee - the thought crossed my mind that CalF123 has a similar wonderful arrangement where a relative looks after her children for free.

backinaminute · 07/05/2018 20:25

Great message. I have this with working 3 days too but not to that level. I do it for the same reasons and it means sacrificing things for our family in favour of spending time with the kids. I like being with them and they are getting to an easy(ish) age and don't want to look after any more. It's just so restrictive and means you can't just decide to do something 'off the cuff' on the day like go to the beach if it's sunny to the cinema on a rainy afternoon . We also have to use holiday clubs for my working days - don't most people?

myrtleWilson · 07/05/2018 20:25

CalF- expect?? ask/request may be but expect...? out of interest how far back does the familial line have to go for this expectation to come in to play -just wondering if we have great great grandparents.....

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