To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

Reading this thread takes me back to the nasty bullies in the school playground.

OP it is your right not to look after your DN but I don’t understand why you just didn’t have a conversation with your SIL rather than bitching about her to strangers who are cheering you on. And you call your SIL a CF. I think you should take a look in the mirror.

If it is a regular pattern of you looking after DN how would your SIL know you no longer want to offer the childcare. Have you forgotten how to converse, as in a proper face to face conversation?

I am so pleased my support community is nothing like yours.

Higher education students can apply for childcare grants, even for during holiday periods. Last I heard, these grants covered up to 85% of childcare costs. She really is having a laugh if she's still asking for your services free of charge.

Op I know exactly what has happened here. She is still a CF but I know what is happening in her mind I think. BIL is an irresponsible dad. She is trying to work to have a better life.

You appear to have a nice life (ie in her mind can afford it). She is projecting her thoughts about what BIL should be doing onto his whole family. So you are looking after DN, in her mind, not as a favour to her but to BIL. No need for her to offer to do anything in return - that's BIL's responsibility. To her mind she is already doing more than she ought to. You are just meeting BIL's responsibilities as a member of his family and therefore doing what you ought to.

The inheritance thing is mindless boasting. She probably feels inferior to you.

She's still a CF though and really needs to get her priorities straight and realise that you are doing both her and BIL a massive favour.

Better spend your time with your own children- those memories are too precious. If she wants to join with a child sometimes for some playdate- great. But dont be such pushover - issues basically were caused by yourself!

What is happening here is something I see all the time. Someone starts doing another person a favour, but very quickly it's forgotten that it's a favour and becomes expected. When the favour is stopped or curtailed in any way the person doing the favour quickly becomes the one in the wrong and the person receiving the favour tells everyone who will listen how horrible the favour provider is being and how hard done by they themselves are.

It's easy to become the 'bad guy' and difficult to resolve. I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position, OP, and wish you luck in resolving it. Stand firm and don't let SIL/BIL try and make you feel guilty. It's the take, take, take over the past 3 years that has understandably got to you, but I hold out little hope of the other party seeing that they are in the wrong here. I did like a PP's proposed letter explaining how you feel, but I fear that would not be taken onboard by SIL. She would only take from that that you no longer wish to have anything to do with DN. I hope this manages to get resolved amicably.

Perhaps you can respond by telling her the days you wish DN to come to visit and play.
Take control of the interaction on your terms.

I’m a bit at those people expressing surprise at op not wanting to be out of pocket by looking after dn.
it’s one thing “paying” for childcare but another not even offering to contribute for a full days food, snacks and costs of activities. For those of you thinking she’s only little how much would she eat -it’s 2 days a week for the summer holidays it mounts up - does this child exist on fresh air when at home? And that’s without entrance to activities treats/ice creams when out and about.
I think op should tell both her bil and sil that after being taken for granted, expected to use her non working days as child care without even some contribution to food, snacks and outings she can’t do it any more and the child’s own parents need to sort this issue out rather than expect her to.
By leaving the “I’ll let you know” hanging it’s likely as others posters have said she will get a car seat and/or contact op at short notice expecting her to step in. Op needs to make it clear she will be happy to host a couple of play date days but cannot and will not commit to regular childcare.

Just get your go to responses sorted:

Sorry that doesn't work for us.

Already committed elsewhere.

I'm sure you'll find something.

Rinse and repeat over and over. Best way to deflate drama is not to feed into it. Just be bland.

YANBU - she is a user and seems proud of it

Because you have done it previously there will be an assumption but you do need to extricate yourself now or deep resentment will be the result. You don't have to give too much reason, just you are are finding it too much. They will get over it. If you leave it much longer you will end up falling out big time. Just keep it as nice as you can

I don’t understand why you just didn’t have a conversation with your SIL rather than bitching about her to strangers who are cheering you on

OP isn't vainly 'bitching'. She had a genuine question and people have asked for further information - she wanted to know if she was being unfair because sometimes the sheer CF'ery of the other party can leave you feeling that you're in the wrong. She just wanted confirmation that her feelings were correct, what's so bad about that?

I'll have what she's having because I'm always up the creek for summer childcare but would be mortified to ask for repeat favours like this and would much rather leave it for emergencies only.

My summer childcare is about £250 per week for two kids and it stings but I also can't accommodate all three weeks myself and my XH already calls in his parents for childcare so it doesn't seem fair for them to have my kids for a combined 2-3 weeks over the summer. Plus they're a bit boring and old and it's just a lot to have them that long.

Just say no. She's your ex-SIL anyway, what's she going to do, cut you off. Bye bye.

I am so pleased my support network us nothing like yours

What, like 2 days of free childcare every single school holiday for 3 years without so much as a thank you or a packed lunch?
Fuck that noise.

2 days a WEEK even

I’m not going against the grain here but wondered if you’d looked at it from a different perspective? You say your MIL has them once a week? Do you offer her money? Is this arrangement on-going just because it always has exsisted?

Late to the party here but just wanted to add that that Sauvignon Blanc from Aldi is amazing..... can’t believe anyone thinks it’s rank! misses point of post

Pinot Gris is good to (though it could be from Lidl- never sure which is which!)

Just RTFT and I don't think you're bu at all.

I have family and friends who help me with childcare. My mum has my youngest twice a week for a couple of hours and drops him off at nursery while I work. She also has both my DC in the school holidays both days I work. But I buy her flowers and boys from the children to say thank you. I appreciate the help. Your ex SIL doesn't.

It must be hard to say no though, I'm a bit like that so good on you for your messages so far. Definitely think she will try and fall back on you nearer to the time! Xx

This info may come in useful if she is very pushy, guidelines are stricter on who can provide childcare (which if prearranged and regular it would seem to be):
www.gov.uk/register-childminder-childcare-provider

Op is not being paid and is close family so she doesnt need to register.

You are certainly not unreasonable. Say no. You don’t owe them any explanation as to why it isn’t convenient or why you don’t want to looke after their child. They should be budgeting for childcare. Her student loan will reflect the fact that she has a dependent child to care for. If they can’t budget that isn’t your problem. Leave them to it. Their child is not your responsibility.

You have been so kind and generous its horrible and probably against your nature to be feeling like not lending a hand but YANBU. I'd say yes I can help on these days and make it like two or three dates that you feel happy with. I guess she is asking so she can book days at work but has taken advantage of your good nature. Don't let her lack of manners stop being lovely though, wish I had a SIL like you.

Even if SIL does bring another car seat it will be unlikely to fit unless the OP has a large car. If SIL phones the day before her scheduled to work with "op, please help, no childcare found!!" you can always say that you have some activity booked/planned. Or you have to buy DD new school shoes and it will be a nightmare to take all of them with you. Ask DH's opinion for some inspiration.

OP, could you say, as an example that you MIGHT take your DD swimming (or to learn) so you wouldn't be able to look after all of them. And when she does ask later you can say that DD prefered X activity that day instead which was lovely, so might take her swimming next week, month etc. but you'd rather not have your hands tied up.

I cant help wonder how this situation came about, you seem to be very empathetic to yr SIL about the raw deal she has from your BIL her X ptnr. I wonder if somehow you conveyed a sense that you would always help her out without realising she would take that literally, Sometimes these arrangements get set up without a proper understanding - I doubt you intended to be the long term child care option nor did you probably think about the implications of going out and finding yourself covering the costs of an extra. SIL seems to have assumed rather a lot and sees you and your situation as much better off than hers so it hasn't crossed her mind that she is taking liberties. If as you sound, you're absolutely lovely to her when she picks up I think she has took it that you are more than happy to help out. As others have said this will need absolutely clarity so SIL understands its not viable for you to do it as it restricts what you can do and you really hadn't expected it to become an integral part of SIL formal child care arrangements.