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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

473 replies

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 18:57

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 07/05/2018 19:57

Op sort it now before she emails you a suggested schedule.

WingsOnMyBoots · 07/05/2018 19:58

Just NO.

Strokethefurrywall · 07/05/2018 19:58

Jesus Christ, grow a spine Confused

You know full well you're not being unreasonable. Have some courage of your convictions and tell her straight...

Cagliostro · 07/05/2018 19:59

YANBU at all

Blushlove · 07/05/2018 19:59

I'm with your DH, no and the link.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/05/2018 20:00

Be careful if you send her the link to the holiday club, she may assume you're offering to pay for her!

Blushlove · 07/05/2018 20:02

Or, funny you mentioned it SIL, I thought it would be nice if you could take DS for a couple of days a week this year instead, it would be lovely for you to spend some time with them together

Willow2017 · 07/05/2018 20:03

Nope nope and thrice nope.
This year you are not available as will be doing stuff with your own kids just as your own family days for a change.

Tell her to book her child care now just to ensure she has a place. If she is working part time she may get most of it paid thought tc anyway.

Do not cave make it crystal clear you are not her unpaid cm this year. You have done it long enough.

icelollycraving · 07/05/2018 20:04

I think she’s probably full of shit re the money/ inheritance.
Just text back and say you are glad she’s raised this as you were not planning on doing any unpaid childminding this summer. Then recommend some holiday clubs.
Bet you get roped in though!

NWQM · 07/05/2018 20:04

Would your child want to be looked after by them a day? Family dynamics are tricky. I’m guessing she hasn’t got the inheritance yet so I’d probalay be going down the route of offering a few days but certainly not every week. If it all kicks off do you know which side Grandma would come down on. Would you be happy if your sil did look after yours two one day? Would they like it?

Leeds2 · 07/05/2018 20:06

I would just say that it doesn't suit to be looking after DN this year. Your DC will continue to see her at grandma's, so no loss of contact involved.

iheartmichellemallon · 07/05/2018 20:06

You need to say no as you're being taken for granted & that will continue for as long as you allow it.

CalF123 · 07/05/2018 20:08

I really don't get the backlash against the SIL on here. She will be working full time. The OP doesn't. It's a perfectly normal and reasonable request to ask for childcare, especially when they both have DDs so close in age.

It's completely pointless for the SIL to either pay extortionate amounts for childcare or miss out on earning money that could feed her DD for the sake of awkwardness.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 07/05/2018 20:08

I'd be inclined to just say that no, you cannot be 'booked' this holiday though you'd be more than happy to arrange meet ups.

CrazedZombie · 07/05/2018 20:09

If the girls get along then I'd offer a couple of days (total) for my DD's sake.
I think you should be brave and tell her the truth- she needs to have your dd a couple of times too.

Tiredtomybones · 07/05/2018 20:10

Yanbu

Original poster
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 20:10

Yes, the OP is working 3 days but it's not as like she'd otherwise be jetting off to the Bahamas on the other 2

Hmm

Yeah, I'll be right here baking cupcakes and doing mumsy boring things

OK I'm sending this (MUST remember to edit names before sending!!)

Hi CheekyFucker. Sorry but this year I'll only be able to offer a couple of days in the summer holidays. We're away at the beginning of August and DH is finally taking some time off this year so we have a lot planned pretty much every week! I can watch DN 9th July and 30th July? If you're looking for a holiday club though the one at DS Nursery that DD goes to is incredible and really reasonably priced (include link).

OP posts:
KateGrey · 07/05/2018 20:10

@CalF123 the OP isn’t the child’s parent! She’s not there as free childcare! You’re saying looking after children isn’t work?! Why is it normal and reasonable to request care from a relative that doesn’t work?!

I would offer odd days if you wanted to but like you, I would be annoyed by her bragging about her new found wealth but then expecting free childcare with no thanks or appreciation.

KateGrey · 07/05/2018 20:11

That’s a great message OP

hooochycoo · 07/05/2018 20:12

Say

“Hi SIL

We do love DN and have agreed to have her the last couple of years because DD enjoys her company. And also because as family we were keen to help when you have been in difficult financial circumstances and struggled to afford childcare.

However your financial circumstance have obviously changed and additionally we are feeling a bit taken for granted .

Having DN so regularly keeps us housebound and costs us money ( for 3 meals a day) for a large portion of the holidays , but you have never offered any money for expenses nor have you ever offered to have our DD in return.

We thought it was wise to let you know how we’re feeling to give you the chance to talk about it. We’d still love to spend time with DN, but as loved and respected family , not as unpaid, taken for granted child. Hopefully now you can afford childcare, we can talk and find a way to make the relationship more reciprocal and arrange some play dates and sleepovers and days out for both girls. We would like that. “

Original poster
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 20:13

She will be working full time. The OP doesn't. It's a perfectly normal and reasonable request to ask for childcare

I'm aware that what I'm about to say makes me a bit of a hypocrite because I've been an unpaid childminder for the last few years, but you do realise I'm a human being and not RoboNanny? I don't work part time to look after other people's kids, I do it to
A. Save on childcare and
B. Spend more time with my kids

I guess it annoys me that I make financial sacrifices to do this and BIL and ex-SIL don't have to, at our expense

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 07/05/2018 20:14

Excellent message! Very clear even to a CF

killinginthenameof · 07/05/2018 20:14

Yes they are very cheeky. But why are you being so british about it? Why are you paying for your child to go to holiday club and not asking them to reciprocate the free childcare you've given them? Have you raised it with them at all?

sonjadog · 07/05/2018 20:15

The message you have written is good. Send it.

thebear1 · 07/05/2018 20:15

The not having you dd would really annoy me, it shows a level of selfishness and on that basis I would say no.

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