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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

473 replies

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 18:57

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsOsmond · 07/05/2018 19:33

I think you have been unbelievably generous with your time & money, but it sounds like she is the sort of person who, far from being really grateful, just sees it as a green light to expect more from you.

It's time for you to say NO

BewareOfDragons · 07/05/2018 19:33

Just say no.

SandAndSea · 07/05/2018 19:34

"I was actually thinking you might like to help us out this year?"

mammmamia · 07/05/2018 19:36

She’s very very cheeky. Sorry but I am placemarking to see what her reaction is when you tell her you can’t do it.

MinaPaws · 07/05/2018 19:36

Just tell her you're working and your DC are in paid childcare this summer (both true but not FT - she doesn't need to know that) so you can't do it at all anymore.

NWQM · 07/05/2018 19:37

What’s struck me is that you have said that you had this conversation about her inheritance when she last came to pick her up when you were looking after her. Have you seen anything of them since? Do they literally just use you for childcare? I’d have to say something. If it’s the only time you see her - and so want to - perhaps limit the number of times with clear dates. I’d also be saying something like ‘as it’s getting to be a regular thing we need to sort out the costs that we incur so how about x per day or so you want to send a packed lunch? And for activities shall we say you’ll give us x? Or do you mean that you’ll do x days for me so I save childcare too.’ It’s all perfectly reasonable.

GreenTulips · 07/05/2018 19:39

Do you want your dcs and dn to have a good relationship, is what it boils down to

Works both ways

halfwitpicker · 07/05/2018 19:40

I would have to mention payment tbh

PetulantPolecat · 07/05/2018 19:41

“This has got to be a windup. We’ve helped you out for 3 years because you claimed financial hardship. You’ve never reciprocated. Other day you’re telling me about 4 holidays and private school but you stilll expect free childcare from us? Wow. Just wow.”

catkind · 07/05/2018 19:43

Why is ex-SIL organising all the holiday care? I'm wondering if it might be BIL who's taking the piss and he's told his ex that you agreed to cover his share. Either way, you decide what you want to do - e.g. would you like to fix a couple of days to have her over for your own and your own kids' benefit? - let her know and stick to it.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 07/05/2018 19:44

I would text to say:
Sorry doing extra work over the holidays this year. I was just about to text you to see when you are available to look after mine? Let me know what days you’re free cheers.

MrsJBaptiste · 07/05/2018 19:44

Just put what bastardkitty says:

'I'm glad you've brought this up now. I'm not going to be able to help this year so it's best you know now when doing your planning ' Perfect.

8misskitty8 · 07/05/2018 19:47

Just say no, she is taking the piss. When are you getting a holiday or spend time alone with your children during school holidays ? If you look after dn then it will continue every year and your getting no quality time with your children.

If you want to be generous then offer one week but ask her when she is able to have your children in exchange.

CalF123 · 07/05/2018 19:49

YABU

Surely you want your DD and DN to have a good relationship growing up, which will hopefully continue in the future?

You're not working, your SIL is clearly in a difficult financial position despite the hyperbolic boasts so surely it wouldn't be inconvenient for you to help out.

I'd certainly be viewing it as more of a positive, family bonding exercise than a negative. It's not like a random neighbour has asked you to look after their DD.

SandAndSea · 07/05/2018 19:49

It's probably best to keep it light. How about:

Haha! That's strange, I was about to message you to see if you could help us out this year! Can you let me know what days you're free? Thanks!

restingbemusedface · 07/05/2018 19:51

@Calf - are you the ex SIL?!

Gemini69 · 07/05/2018 19:51

Please say NO Flowers

Ginger1982 · 07/05/2018 19:51

Cal, OP works 3 days a week. Why should all her days off be taken up with looking after DN with no consideration from DSil to reciprocate in any way??

8misskitty8 · 07/05/2018 19:51

Calf123 the op is working. On her 2 days off a week her ex sil is expecting her to look after dn. op pays for holiday club and nursery on her working days during the holidays.

mellicauli · 07/05/2018 19:53

Don't burn your bridges, you just need to re cast the relationship a bit: "I Was happy to help when you were hard up but it was inconvenient so now you've got enough to see you through the next few years, I'd rather just keep the cousins meet-ups as social "

8misskitty8 · 07/05/2018 19:53

Can I ask op, were is your Dh in all of this ? Is he being asked to look after his dn or is it solely being put on you ?

LeeLooDallasMultiPass · 07/05/2018 19:54

No, no and again no.

It is never reciprocated, she clearly sees you as free childcare and that is all.

I am a SAHM and I have looked after my friends 2 children but only on inset days because there is no readily available childcare and it was only 5 days a year. Plus my eldest and her eldest were best friends.

I have been someone's emergency childcare in the holidays when the childminder was rushed to hospital.

But this seems to be an ongoing thing with your SIL with no thank yous, no flowers or thought about you not spending any 1 on 1 time with your own children.

You do not owe her an explanation. Just no I can't do it this summer.

PurpleTango · 07/05/2018 19:55

Haha! That's strange, I was about to message you to see if you could help us out this year! Can you let me know what days you're free? Thanks

Perfect ^^

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 19:57

What’s struck me is that you have said that you had this conversation about her inheritance when she last came to pick her up when you were looking after her. Have you seen anything of them since

Nope! Not so much as a text message

Is she not off if she is a student?

Yes but she wants to cram in as many working hours in her casual job.

To answer PPs, we originally did it to help out as they were so desperate and strapped for cash (hence not offering to contribute to food etc) but now it's become the norm. I think had she not been bragging about her wealth it wouldn't annoy me so much!

MIL has all the grandkids on Thursdays in school holidays anyway so the girls will still see each other!

Can I ask op, were is your Dh in all of this ? Is he being asked to look after his dn or is it solely being put on you ?

DH works full time so I kind of get not asking him. He says We should say no but go one step further and send her the link to DD's holiday club 🙊

OP posts:
CalF123 · 07/05/2018 19:57

@Ginger1982 and @8misskitty8

Yes, the OP is working 3 days but it's not as like she'd otherwise be jetting off to the Bahamas on the other 2. She will be looking after her DD anyway, so surely it makes sense to provide childcare at the same time for her DN. Not only will it give her DD someone to play with, but it will hopefully give her DD someone she can have a good relationship with in future as well as they'll surely grow closer.

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