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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

473 replies

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 18:57

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

OP posts:
Sennelier1 · 11/05/2018 13:50

Of course it would be perfectly fine to just say no, and this without apologising, just say you have other plans for your days off. I think your husband of course should be 100% in on this, to be sure that he doesn't say "yes" when his brother and -ex call him to insist.

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 12/05/2018 00:05

It's a perfectly normal and reasonable request to ask for childcare

yes it is, but its polite to respect people if they say no and not hassle, or guilt trip them into doing what you want

I find it incredible some people on this thread expect actual payment from family members for providing childcare. Aside from a bottle of wine or similar, this is something I have never ever come across in my family or any other in real life.

I find it incredible that a family member expects someone to provide childcare for them for free and also meals and trips which actually cost the provider, that is cf at its best!

OP I would absolutely turning this back on her, and say yes let me know if the options I have suggested do not work out I have a few others I can suggest they may be more expensive though. Just to reiterate that having dn does not work for us this summer other than the two days stated.

pallisers · 12/05/2018 01:54

I don't think the SIL is necessarily being a CF when she has a close family member in the OP who could easily be at home looking after her DD(while also looking after her own) but is now choosing not do so so

I feel this about my SIL. She is at home anyway, why couldn't she cook our dinner as well as my own and let me collect it 3 nights a week.

Am I a CF?

olbndansmummy · 12/05/2018 06:24

Haha @pallisers.
If you drop your ironing too she could do that while your dinner is cooking!

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 12/05/2018 07:02

I do admire Calf’s sustained commitment to being the lone voice of irrationality on this thread.

I can only presume s/he is exploiting some poor sod in a similar fashion in RL and wants to feel better about it.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 12/05/2018 20:07

I have an update!! Sort of

BIL came round today and DH told him about the whole saga and how we feel taken for granted. BIL said exSIL is cheeky to be asking us so much---- HmmTo which DH replied that means BIL is also cheeky as she's his daughter too, and he benefits from our generosity (DH is not one to beat about the bush!).

BIL was a little Blush but said that's fair enough, he will speak to exSIL about a holiday club/alternative childcare and he understands why we won't be looking after her except for the days agreed.

Then BIL got a text from exSIL to say 'just to let you know I quit my job today'. The sheer temptation to text her and ask that, now she's not working, could she watch the kids in the holidays, is all too much Grin

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/05/2018 20:09

I would ask her to do one day a week, think of the money saved... Grin

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 12/05/2018 20:15

I'm guessing I have the support of CalF seeing as I need childcare and there's a handy relative with nothing better to do than take in my sprogs Wink

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 12/05/2018 20:36

WOW she quit rather than bother to arrange childcare that she would only have had to contribute a minute amount to!
She is barmy.

ConferenceBores · 12/05/2018 20:58

I’m glad your dh called BIL on his owing you too - I’m hoping the quitting wasn’t in response to BIL making it clear to ex SIL he wasn’t, in fact going to step up in any way?

BewareOfDragons · 12/05/2018 21:11

Let me guess. She's going to say she quit her job because she couldn't afford childcare and it's all your fault for not looking after her child for free.

It's not.

If that is why she quit in a snit, perhaps she can reverse the quitting decision if the child's father, your BIL, steps up and helps pay for childcare.

middleeasternpromise · 13/05/2018 09:56

Am I the only cynical one who wonders was that a bit staged? Was a plan hatched for BIL to come and open the convo however he hadn't anticipated strength of feeling on this, and when he got called out he realised this was not going to work then in comes the text! Alternatively its just a great coincidence.....

extrapianolessons · 13/05/2018 10:00

Just say no. No need for explanations or reasons. Just ssy it isn’t possible anymore and then ignore her.

extrapianolessons · 13/05/2018 10:01

Oops, saw your update. Is she trying to guilt you by implying she quit her job because you wouldn’t provide free childcare?

GreenTulips · 13/05/2018 10:24

Your DH is awesome! Wish more people could be straight!

We'll see if she really has quit her job

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 13/05/2018 16:40

I'm guessing I have the support of CalF seeing as I need childcare and there's a handy relative with nothing better to do than take in my sprogs Wink

Snort Grin

Yes where is calF

NorthEndGal · 13/05/2018 16:42

High five to your dh for calling out BIL as well!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/05/2018 16:47

I was actually going to say if shes no trouble and gets on with your little one and her parents are struggling to pay for Childcare then being honest it is a tad mean of you.
However that was before I read about her bragging about private schools holidays to Dubai and early inheritance money, so YANBU

Delatron · 13/05/2018 17:49

Awwlook you also read the part how she never reciprocates? Even without the bragging it is still not on and cheeky. Now if they both took it in turns, great arrangement but OP pays for childcare.

Tinkerbell1980 · 15/05/2018 20:54

Any updates ok?

Tinkerbell1980 · 15/05/2018 20:55

OP even! Blush

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 18/05/2018 06:45

OP have you found out if exSIL really did quit her job?

Anyone heard from Calf....

Motoko · 18/05/2018 12:07

Anyone heard from Calf....

Yeah, they're on a thread where the OP is wanting to buy a house around Yeovil, and Calf is recommending places north of London, or in Surrey!

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