To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

I agree with a PP that she will borrow a car seat from someone and/or will turn up with her DD claiming it's an emergency.

Make sure that you are absolutely clear and firm that you can only do the 2 dates that you have already offered. And that's the end if the discussion.

Say you thought she'd be in Dubai...then say you're sorry but now ds is x old, it's not fair to leave him out so you're planning to be just the three of you.

Yanbu - I agree with Sierra259 in

'If you try to give an excuse they'll just minimise it or try to problem-solve it for "you". A point blank decline gives them nowhere to go without looking even more cheeky.

Just say you are unable to child mind this year - do not give any excuses or comments - except to say politely you are unable to do it.
Await their response - if any just repeat above : I am unable to do it
They will get the message

Say you are going to be out and about this summer and cannot commit to childminding as you don't want to be confined to the house now the kids are older.

If she's a uni student she would get her childcare funded by student loans. I'd tell her to get lost, you're not a minder and she needs to pay for child care

I'm fully expecting an update saying SIL has sourced a car seat and so you can take DN with you no probs!

If SIL can't afford £26 childcare, that's up to her.

Surely there are some friends from school that she can convince to have DN for a day each?

I find it odd that you’re happy to spend time with your niece and not so much when you know she could go elsewhere. You either want her to spend time with your child or you don’t in my view. However, you do feel like this and as such there’s no issue in telling her to do one

Text back, 'don't worry, you don't have to let me know anything'

I really would text this ^ - it won't be long before she's telling you she's sorted a car seat etc etc and then it will be much more difficult to stick to your guns.

As others have said, she will be back with urgent requests for help made the night before, saying that she has no other option. You will have to ignore these (she may turn up in the morning anyway), or keep saying no.
Are you away at all during the summer? A two week holiday somewhere far from home might give you a bit of respite!

If the EX SIL is a student and part-time worker, she will be entitled to claim a large chunk of the childcare back through tax credits/UC if DN is going into holiday club. She is being a total CF.

Agree- she’ll buy a cheap car seat and then expect you to look after DN

FGS, you just need to be clear, calm and direct.

“Dear SIL and BIL (address both if them), I think I need to let you know how I feel about the childcare issue. DN is delightful and Dd enjoys playing with her. Lovely to see her for play dates, family get together and the occasional care day. But for the last x years I have done your summer child care on my all my non working week days, and I just don’t want the pressure or responsibility for another whole summer. I want more flexibility, to be able to be spontaneous without making arrangements, and for us to have rate quality time as a family. I have discussed this with DH and we both feel the same. Love xxxx p.S you may find that as a student your childcare costs are covered by tax reclaim thingy (I.e what people have said on this thread).

FOTTFSOFAFOSM

fuck off to the far side of fuck and fuck off some more

Why not just come clean with her? Tell her how you feel you’ve been used and have sucked up the cost of having DN the past few years because you knew she was hard up and that if you are to continue with some childcare things need to change. Tell her that it would b nice if she could have your daughter for a day occasionally especially as you have a little one too now. If she takes it on the chin then maybe do one day a week but arrange some dates for your DD to go to sil first. I agree she’s been cheeky but maybe give her chance to change?

@ScrubTheDecks

FGS, you just need to be clear, calm and direct.

Your message leaves loads of wiggle room for a CF to come back and start negotiating.

I find it incredible some people on this thread expect actual payment from family members for providing childcare. Aside from a bottle of wine or similar, this is something I have never ever come across in my family or any other in real life.

Try not to give detail - it just leaves the responder with something to argue about.

There is much less to grip onto with something like:
'I'm afraid that it just isn't convenient for us this year. We have other plans.'

I’d LOVE to know which private school she can afford for 200k. (Plus all the holidays). Obviously quite delusional of what a private school actually costs. I’d send her an emails with maybe 3 dates over the summer holidays that suit you (because of the relationship between DN and DD for no other reason) and say that they are the dates that suit you this summer.

Throw it back to her by saying you'll get DH to have a word with BIL about doing his fair share - 'Maybe it will help coming from his brother, I know we must all be getting pretty sick now of picking up all the slack so no childcare needs to be paid for DN because family will do it for free. We had to do it, I was working for £10 a day once holiday club was paid...'

So you make your point but use BIL as the target.

"I'll let you know" ???

Oh dear, soon will come the cries of "I couldn't get her in anywhere, pllleeaaasssee can you do it as I'm stuck." I think next time she asks (and there will be a next time) you will have to be a bit more firm and just say "no, sorry, that doesn't work for us." Don't say anything about days out, car seats, spending time together as it just gives her obstacles where she can come up with solutions. You don't owe her an explanation at all! CFC (cheeky fucking cow).

I look after sister’s child (3) two days and a teatime each week plus in emergencies. She doesn’t pay me but is effusive in her gratitude, gives me birthday/ Xmas gifts - restaurant voucher for £100 + and childminds my two overnight when we go out. In addition she hosts sleepovers for mine and takes them out to the beach/ play areas/ zoo regularly. What I do for her is indispensable but she makes me feel really valued and certainly not taken for granted. Not really reflective of your experience OP?

'Don't worry, you don't need to let me know anything...unless you don't need X or X dates that I said I was prepared to do. I'll leave those blocked in my calendar.'

You need to be firm with her because she WILL come back with a sob story otherwise. Nip it in the bud now otherwise you'll feel forced into a corner.

Christ, I managed uni and a pgce as a single mum for 2 littlies, and zero help from relatives, or exoh. And paid full rent on the house as you only got housing benefit in July and August. That’s what the maintenance loan and childcare grants are for.
She is a real CF!