To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

I'm afraid I agree with pp, she is going to go quiet now and then get in touch over the weekend before the hols to say she hasn't been able to sort anything so can you please step up.

You seem like a very nice person so that is going to be hard to refuse. I think you perhaps do need to spell out the fact that her behaviour has been unacceptable and you will not be providing free child care anymore as otherwise I think you will find yourself suckered into it.

Glad some one noticed my honest response.

If you’re not honest this won’t end well

She'll be back! The only thing is - if you enjoy DNs company on occasion, and your daughter enjoys her company, don't throw that relationship away just because her family are cfs. Perhaps say uou can do Fri but definitely not Mondays? Don't give a reason!

Your ex SIL is studying and trying to work as many hours as she can while being a single parent, this is something that is usually praised, nay expected, on mumsnet. She is also doing this without the help of her useless ex nor the help of her alcoholic parents. If she had posted herself she would be supported for her efforts.

Yes she has become reliant on your help and she has taken you for granted, yes she has spent her money unwisely and boasted about an inheritance that she may receive sometime never. Planning four holidays and private education may have just been pie in the sky to make her momentarily feel a bit better.

However she has shot herself in the foot, as the money angle bothers you. I don't think she is up there with the real CF's though, she made the mistake of assuming that after 3 years it was an arrangement that suited you both. Particularly as you usually don't mind and your children get on well.

As for her assessment of mumsnetters, I wouldn't be offended, but that's because I often wonder if some posters are in the real world.

Sometimes it helps to just assume people are buying reasonable if that makes sense. So the only thing she reasonably needs to let you know about is if she finds a holiday scheme and no longer needs the two days you’ve offered.

So maybe reply saying “Sure you’ll find something, there are loads of options out there. Let me know if you don’t need 9 and 30 July anymore.” That makes clear (again) that those are the only two days available.

You are being taken advantage of OP

Just read this and you've been perfectly reasonable OP. I'll be staying tuned for future updates from CF.

I think you need to be clear with yourself about your feelings and then be honest with her.

Tell her you were feeling taken advantage of as you do pay the holiday club rates and she has just assumed that you willl do free care for her. Tell her that your Dd has other friends that you want to have over because those friends offer reciprocal childcare. Be honest. You don’t have to be hostile, just explain.

Your messages so far will probably make her feel you don’t want much to do with her Dd.

The thing is, you need to explain to a CF that they are being a CF, or in their minds you end up as the baddie.

In families, where ongoing cousin relationships are important, don’t let a misconstrued feud simmer.

What is the matter with the truth?

Of course she thinks £26 is expensive! She hasn’t even been paying for her kid to eat while she’s with you - so it’s not even free childcare, you’re paying her essentially!

I guarantee you that the weekend before the holidays she will tell you her —nonexistent— plans have fallen through and she needs your help. Should that happen, i would say fine, I’ll do it for two weeks, that will be £15 a day to cover food and activities, and you expect her to have childcare in place by the third week as you won’t be doing it. She’ll also need to have your kids for the same number of days at some point so that you actually get some time to yourself.

Regarding the "I'll let you know" just take it at face value and say "Great, we'll see DNeice on the unless you let us know you've sorted something else"

De lurking here. Agree with others that you need to nip the "I'll let you know" comment in the bud JUST to make it clear you can only take her for those 2 days and no more.

It's a ruddy cheek to use the OP as a free long term childcare provider.

The OP doesn't even get compensated for the money SHE has to fork out for feeding/ entertaining her niece all summer long. So not only does the OP come out time short they will be out of pocket as well whilst the SIL and BIL do what they want.

Plus the SIL never does the same for her.

Ohhh! I don't have kids but this gives me SUCH THE RAGE!!!!

Its the SIL child so if she wants to work or do something other than look after her child she has to put on her grown up pants and pay for childcare services like every other parent out there who works/ does college. Life ain't a free ride sweetheart!

(And the ppl saying the OP is wrong and should look after the child for no money and no compensation can print out this thread and stick their passive aggressive comments up their bottom) :D :D (joke BTW in case someone actually does that... dont do that!)

Would have been great if the gardener BIL had landscaped your garden - wish you had asked him? Empathise because I have helped extensively in similar situation with no thanks but having been in social situations with the now grown up DNS realise that they appreciated the time with our family even if the parents didn’t seem to. I felt better knowing that. How much does your own DD want her cousin around? Start the holidays as you plan knowing you may have to do more and maybe find a trade off landscaping your front garden!

BIL landscaping

I bet she comes back to you the week before the hols start in a fix, begging for help.....

I have a lot of experience of cheeky fuckers like this and you can't give them excuses - she's going to come up with a car seat and a load of excuses.

In future 'sorry I can't do that'
Or 'I'd really love to but have a prior commitment' is better

Agree wholeheartedly Grump - if the family want to use a reciprocity system then that’s great. Takes a village and all that. But stay strong OP until the ‘deal’ swings more in your favour. Don’t even know you but could think of lots of ways your BiL or SiL could ‘pay back’ the childcare. That they don’t even offer costs says volumes to me. I would personally not make suggests how she can solve the problem. You’ve offered a recommendation. She doesn’t like it, you have done your bit. When the pressure starts just keep remembering that she needs, I think, childcare for 6 x 3 days. MiL and you are doing 8. Nearly half. Most of us would be thrilled with that amount of help. She doesn’t see it but she really won’t. She is choosing to not do the shifts for wages - childcare.

Please please stick to your guns and don't give in OP!!

I don't think you have heard the last of this.. :(

Agree with PP, you need to nip this "let you know" crap in the bud.

YOu've been very generous in the past OP, but SIL needs to sort this out without your help.

@Badcat666 just to point out the child has two parents so it's not just the mum who has to decide if she wants to work and therefore put on her big girl pants. In reality I suspect that is exactly the case but imo the dad should therefore be subject to even more scorn.

So you get no money at all and feed her daughter 3 meals plus snacks . You need to say on the 2 days you are willing ‘can you provide a packed lunch and something for dinner or chip in some food money as we are finding it hard feeding an extra mouth!’

I don't think you've heard the last of this one. I think she'll be back.

I think so too. I wouldn't put myself out for her at all. Blanket 'No, I can't do that' to every request from now on, I think.

It is best not to close the gate to hard. Pass the buck back saying you are not sure what you are going to be doing - so not to rely on you being able to help. This gives you wriggle room - you may want a play date for your dd. I would certainly be feeling used and unappreciated

Either say no, or give her a payment schedule. To be paid in advance.