To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

Offer to have her for a 3/4 days and say that’s all you’re able to do but your DD is looking forward to having her cousin to play. Let’s be honest - half way through the holidays it can be very handy to have friends round to mix things up.

@CalF123 she is definitely being a CF for assuming that childcare will happen and for never offering to return the favour. That said! BIL is just as much to blame here - it’s not just a woman’s job! He could take annual leave or parental leave to organise things better. Also - having been a single mother and at university myself....there is no excuse for blowing all her loans. As a student she can get a child care grant from SLC to cover 85% of childcare costs....it really won’t cost a lot to have her in a summer scheme

I'm a SAHM and various friends and family have asked me to look after their children.

I'm more than happy to do so if it's for them to go shopping, get haircut, have a bit of "me" time and of course in emergencies but I've always said I would never babysit so the parent could go to work.

Calf
Between tax credits and being a student she can get most of child care paid for her she just expects op to do it for free.
Op is stuck at home when she has dn. The 2 days a week op isnt working and could have mum time out and about with her own kids but they are stuck in the house. How is that fair on ops dd every holiday?

Willow2017

Presumably the OP would have other holidays i.e. christmas/easter plus weekends to go on days out.

CalF

I don't think the SIL is necessarily being a CF when she has a close family member in the OP who could easily be at home looking after her DD(while also looking after her own) but is now choosing not do so so.

Oh give over- OP is not duty bound to be at SIL's beck and call to provide childcare whenever she crooks her finger, simply because she has chosen to reduce her working hours, and income, to look after her own children! What a ridiculous notion that is. When you add in that this means that OP is required to provide this care on all of her days off, and it means they can't go anywhere else due to transport issues, it's hugely tying and unfair on the OP.

And yes she is a CF. Because the OP is not her only option. It;s just her easiest/cheapest option. She could have applied to SLC for childcare grant. That would have covered a significant proportion of her childcare costs. She could approach university, who also often have funds for hardship and also for childcare. As she is now working, she could also apply for the childcare element of working tax credit (assuming she is working more than 16 hours per week- which given she is expecting 3 days of childcare from OP and her MIL- I would think would be the case). She has wasted money and now wants OP to compensate for that. BIL is no better- he is earning and could pay his share, but is choosing not to.

In addition, she is a CF because she never reciprocates in any way, nor does she show any appreciation or give any thanks, not even a token gesture. She is using the OP for free childcare. That is rude and selfish, unfortunately such behaviour eventually comes back to bite you- as it has for OP's SIL.

I wouldnt reply for a long time .... maybe say u assumed she wdnt need u with her new found wealth so are doing things differently this year and wont be around but can pencil in a few playdates at yours snd hers.

Additionally calF OP later mentioned she often is also expected to provide childcare in the other holidays too.

Can everyone stop feeding the fire that is Calf

What is so difficult to understand about op might want quality time with just her own dd some days? They may have other commitments at weekends.

Why is it ok for sil to expect op to look after her kid but not ok for op to want time with her own dd without the responsibility of someone elses kid there too?*

Why is it ok to expect op never to be able to just decide to go off somewhere with her own dd as she cant go out in car as she hasnt room for another car seat?

Why the hell should ops life revolve around someone else who cant even say thank you?

3 years is plenty long enough to organise your own childcare between 2 parents. I presume they function well enough at work or uni so can organise financial help via tax credits and make a few phone calls.

CalF123 Ooo I'm with you - in fact, why doesn't the OP doesn't give up her job so that she can look after DN some more eh? Selfish cow.

Lorddenning - sorry. I couldn't resist. But you are right of course. I'll get me coat.

Willow2017

What is stopping the OP from spending quality time with her DD while her DN is also present? If I was a 5 year old, I'd love to have someone the same age to play with.

The OP may miss out on days out but the DN could be missing out on meals if her DM is unable to work.

I don't think the SIL is necessarily being a CF when she has a close family member in the OP who could easily be at home looking after her DD(while also looking after her own) but is now choosing not do so so

Why cant SIL have OPs kids the days OP works thus saving her £26 each per day?

It works both ways.

@GreenTulips

Because the SIL is a single parent and will also be working on those days.

Oh stop being so dramatic!

Nothing to stop sil working and paying for childcare just like the rest of us. And some of us didnt get 70% of it paid for by gov either but we still managed to feed the kids.

Believe me as a cm parent i know for my kids it sometimes got very wearing always having other kids around when you want to spend time doing your own thing in your own home without other kids around and not competing for time with just your own mum.

Another vote for coming clean with her. You feel taken for granted - a regular childcare commitment over a long period messes with your life and you never actually agreed to it being such a commitment, sounds like it just kind of happened because she needed help and you wanted to help. I think you need to tell her (nicely, constructively) how you feel. If you didn’t feel taken for granted would you offer a bit more than 2 days? YANBU at all if not, but an actual agreed e.g. 1 day a week, she contributes to meals/ fuel costs and provides a booster seat might be a lot less annoying.

P.s that sucks about the wine. Make it very clear he still owes you a bottle of drinkable white

Thing is there is an actual commercial value of childcare. If she goes to a provider she has to pay. You have provided this service for free for years. There seems to be no respect for you, your reasons for being part-time or your family's needs, let alone gratitude that you have facilitated her life for so long.
You are going to have to be very strong and minimal in your response when she comes back with an 'emergency'.
I'm all for family helping out but not becoming an unacknowledged permanent pillar in the support structure of someone else's life.

No YANBU. Personally I'd just reply with something vague like you're not sure what your plans are yet and don't want to commit to anything, but you're happy to have her for the odd day here (if you are), to be decided nearer the time. Then give her recommendations for some of the holiday clubs/other childcare options that you use?

Because the SIL is a single parent

Ah so OP should take responsibily because SIL (who is her husbands brothers ex - and not related to OP) hasn't got a full time DP - even though he's actually a parent to DN when he feels like it?

He should/could step up he could/should pay chaild care - the child has 2 parents - OP is neither

calF123 are you actually the SIL?

ITS not up to you or anyone to dictate when they have quality time.

I just don’t like having people in my home constantly - such an invasion. Occasionally is fine....but, come on! The SIL and BIL are both CF

@Sarahrellyboo1987

The BIL is certainly a CF and needs to step up and care for his DD. The fact that he won't however isn't the SIL's fault.

The fact that he won't however isn't the SIL's fault

Nor OPs