babysitter didn't feed my children....am I U or her?

[elderflowerandrose]

I was taken into hospital yesterday for tests on my heart. My dc were being looked after by our regular babysitter who also helps in the house.

She brought her son with her (he is 3) didn't mention it until I texted to check they were okay, I don't mind but she could have asked me.

I called my dc and both were really quiet and I was worried, when I got home at 8pm neither child had eaten anything, they were hiding in their rooms. There was dog's vomit on the floor, I don't expect her to clear it up but she could have at least put something over it to stop the dc walking through it as her ds did in the end. Kitchen was a state, music was blaring and she couldn't leave fast enough.

Both my dc said she spent the entire time kissing and playing with her son and didn't even speak to them. They were entirely ignored and hiding in their own house.

I have no family and she is booked for three weeks to look after my children when I go into hospital for surgery. I am having a major operation and I am already really worried. She was/has been so nice for the last 5 years I am really shocked she has been like this, it is like she is a different person.

I am not sure if I am being U because I am so worried generally, or if she is being U for not looking after them properly. I have no family so I am completely relying on her. I am out of action for six weeks in total and this is the last thing I need.

How long did she mind them? And how old are the dc?

Yanbu, that doesn't sound acceptable. Is there a local agency you can use to try to find a replacement?

5 - 8pm and dc are 11 and 9

Blimey. Find another childminder quickly!

Sounds awful! Did you leave clear instructions about where to find food and what to give them? Did the dc ask for food and she refused?

I’d have a chat with her and check if there was some kind of misunderstanding first of all. Then start looking for alternative childcare.

Where did you find her? References, police checks etc all fine?

I could try but I am worried about the cost. I need to look into it. We pay her 10 an hour. I need someone for up to six weeks that I can totally trust.

Glad it is not just me...I am so sad she has done this, I thought she would be ideal

Have you spoken to her? Might be worth getting her perspective on it

bluesky it wasn’t a childminder.

Ah I see it’s 5pm-8pm maybe she thought they’d already eaten?

Dog vomit is gross though.

Did they not think to ask if she could sort out some food for them. Or would the 11yo not been able to make a sandwich? Maybe time to teach them a few self care lessons?

Oh yes. Babysitter. My mistake.

She has been with us for five years, I know her better than most of my own family ( I know that isn't true now, but certainly trusted her)

References perfect, police checks all fine. I work in that field so it was the first thing we did.

I asked her to give please them supper and to ensure they were in the shower, and ready for bed.

Don't use her again. Use Sitters - they will be around the same cost and much, much better.

They can make food but were too scared to go to the kitchen apparently. She was endlessly slowly kissing her son and my youngest one missed me, so she stayed under her bed, and the eldest was feeling stressed in her words.

That sounds really bad. If she's paid to look after them then that means ensuring they are fed and watered, and whilst I get that no-one likes dealing with dog sick (it makes me gip even when it's my own DDogs let alone someone else's) she could, as you say, have covered it in paper towel and put something round it to keep feet off the area.

I think you need to find someone else as soon as possible, even if it means paying quite a lot through an agency.

How long will you actually be in hospital for? I assume the DC will be at school during the day, and at 9 and 11 I would expect them to dress themselves, get their own breakfasts at least and walk the dog. Can you get online shopping to see you through the post-op period so you cut down as much as possible on what actual help you will need from someone else?

I am worried I am going to fall out with her if I try and talk to her she can get defensive, I am an emotional wreck as it is, my surgery is high risk and I wish I didn't have to leave my dc at all.

I think you know she is completely unreasonable, neglectful and unfortunately totally unsuitable to look after your DCs while you are in hospital.
It will already be such a stressful time for you and for them, and this is virtually guaranteed to go wrong. Are you paying her market rate? If so, then there must be other people you can find (and if not, then perhaps that is also part of the issue).. or can you call in a million favours for at least a part of the time? I don't know many of the mums at school well but would happily take one of my DDs classmates for quite a few nights while his/her mum had surgery, or look after drop offs and pick ups etc.
So sorry and best of luck

I am going to be in hospital for five days minimum, hoping to get on asap. My dh is here for first 10 days but then we are on our own. literally.

Did you tell her they hadn’t eaten and what was there for them?

I am still not clear why they were hiding upstairs?

out

Whereabouts are you? Someone here might be able to recommend someone local to you.

Ah - so does your DH work away? Will he be looking after the DC whilst you are actually in hospital? Where will he be after the first 10 days - sorry for all the questions, just trying to get the background.

I know someone who had to be in hospital for several weeks and social services arranged a temporary foster placement for her kids. She got them back as soon as she came home and they were fine.
Is that something you could look into? SS might also be able to see if there is extra support available to you afterwards as well (depends on area a lot but in mine you would definitely get some home care etc).

Ah sorry, missed that you have a husband!

I’m not really sure I understand this. As she came at 5pm, unless you specifically asked to feed the kids then she might have thought they’d already eaten. At 9 and 11 then surely they are old enough to ask for something to eat or fix themselves something simple. I also wouldn’t expect kids of that age to need constant supervision or interaction. If they were hanging out in their bedrooms then the sitter might have just thought that’s what they wanted to do, not that they were feeling ignored or were hiding. The dog vomit is rank though, with a toddler dragging it through the house then she should have cleaned it up. Have you spoken to her to ask what went on?