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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babysitter didn't feed my children....am I U or her?

240 replies

elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 14:58

I was taken into hospital yesterday for tests on my heart. My dc were being looked after by our regular babysitter who also helps in the house.

She brought her son with her (he is 3) didn't mention it until I texted to check they were okay, I don't mind but she could have asked me.

I called my dc and both were really quiet and I was worried, when I got home at 8pm neither child had eaten anything, they were hiding in their rooms. There was dog's vomit on the floor, I don't expect her to clear it up but she could have at least put something over it to stop the dc walking through it as her ds did in the end. Kitchen was a state, music was blaring and she couldn't leave fast enough.

Both my dc said she spent the entire time kissing and playing with her son and didn't even speak to them. They were entirely ignored and hiding in their own house.

I have no family and she is booked for three weeks to look after my children when I go into hospital for surgery. I am having a major operation and I am already really worried. She was/has been so nice for the last 5 years I am really shocked she has been like this, it is like she is a different person.

I am not sure if I am being U because I am so worried generally, or if she is being U for not looking after them properly. I have no family so I am completely relying on her. I am out of action for six weeks in total and this is the last thing I need.

OP posts:
flissfloss65 · 04/05/2018 17:30

I would expected her to have shown empathy towards your dc, knowing you have major surgery coming up.

Yes the dc don’t need physical help but surely she should engage with them. If she had tried to and they just retreated to their rooms I would expect her to tell you. Or saying they are acting differently to usual.

Have you any family who could help? Or ask friends for recommendations? You need to concentrate on recovery not be further stressed.

Littlechocola · 04/05/2018 17:31

You are having risky surgery, why has your dh not taken time off of work to support you and your children?!

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:31

Exactly! I want them to feel hugged and welcome when I am not here. To keep their routines because that is comforting to them. Of course they would survive, but I hate the idea of them being worried or scared

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:32

My dh will be with me at the hospital and can’t be in two places at once, as much I would like him to be!

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:37

Yes maybe she is right for the odd few hours of babysitting but not properly looking after children.

I couldn’t sleep worrying about this situation. It didn’t occur to me she had that colder side that some people have with other peoples children. We have loads of dc friends here and I treat them like my own dc, I guess not everyone is the same. Thank goodness I found out now.

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 04/05/2018 17:38

I think you need to choose between having your husband with you and your children with a babysitter you now have doubts about (or a new unknown sitter) or having your husband with your children to keep the house running and to be able to comfort your kids.

chickenowner · 04/05/2018 17:40

That sounds awful.

You say you need your DH with you in hospital - although I can completely understand that is there anyone else who could come to the hospital with you so that your DH can stay with the children?

(Sorry if you've already covered this!)

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:41

I would love for dh to stay I know he would have it all under control, but he needs to stay at least for the first few days. After then, he may be able to help more at home.
It will be outing to say what the op entails but surgeons last words were I need to keep my stress levels to an absolute minimum and this is easier said than done.

OP posts:
PorkyPortia · 04/05/2018 17:41

could you ask the parents of your childrens friends if they could help out for a little bit
take their mind off you being in hospital too

Glassofredandapackofcrisps · 04/05/2018 17:42

Oh dear thought you were a single parent from the beginning of the thread. I also agree husband with the kids and you'll have to be alone in hospital. Presumably they'll all visit each day? At least you won't be worrying about children as well as trying to recover that would be the obvious solution to me.

NCThatsInevitablyGoingToFail · 04/05/2018 17:42

OP, give Sitters a call or email. They are very good. All babysitters are reference-checked.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:43

Both dc will have sleepovers whilst I am in hospital the issue really is post op, it is too long to ask for my friends to do even more. They are already between them organising 5 sleepovers and all the school runs etc. I need a nanny if I can find one, someone with a good heart and kindness, and need to find the money from somewhere.

OP posts:
PorkyPortia · 04/05/2018 17:45

in that case I would contact an agency
get a professional in

snewname · 04/05/2018 17:45

Bless you. Have you any ideas on who else to use?

hungryhungryhippo8 · 04/05/2018 17:47

Sounds like she was pissy that she was asked to come in last minute (probably because it was also over bedtime for her DS) and that she couldn't be arsed with anything over than simply being present.

I'd just find someone else and not say anything.

hungryhungryhippo8 · 04/05/2018 17:47

*Because it would cause you stress, maybe say something at a later date but as you're going through a hard time saying something will just make things worse.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:48

I am going to a specialist hospital in London so not easy for him to travel back and forth at all. Six hour round trip. The hospital stay is fine and covered by friends, just need to cover the month afterwards, it is a talk with order to expect my friends to help for that length of time, although I know they will be happy to do whatever they can, they have their own lives/jobs/stresses to think about.

OP posts:
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 17:49

Hey OP!
Im guessing it involves open heart surgery and maybe a valve replacement! It's okay if you don't want to say. But just so you know, I've had this twice and been in your situation! You will absolutely need the love and support of your DH at the hospital because it's terrifying doing that alone. I couldn't have been alone. I'm sorry no family is present to see you through this.

I also have children and had to juggle massively! I was lucky to have family because my children are young and needed round the clock care. You will need to support for atleast 8 weeks after. So I would really consider a new babysitter otherwise your anxiety will make the situation worse.

Feel free to PM if you need to talk Flowers

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:50

We have never had a nanny before so no idea where to start. Might start asking friends and school maybe.

OP posts:
hungryhungryhippo8 · 04/05/2018 17:51

Hi Elderflower. If you are by any long shot in the Stockport area I'd be willing to help or recommend people to help.

Also Facebook if you're on it is good. Join local groups and get recommendations.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:53

Thanks sunshine, my surgeon said I need my dh there, no discussion.
I am terrified I am going to die. I can not put into words the pain I am going through, and this is why I was just so exasperated with the babysitter. She knows as a mother how hard this must be, leaving my children is going to be so hard any way much less with someone who has just done this!

Yes 6 - 8 weeks is the expected timeline I been given.

It is a living hell the run up to it

OP posts:
Charolais · 04/05/2018 17:54

The children are worried and very stressed out about your health and upcoming surgery. Maybe they believe if they lead you to believe the baby sitter is bad you will cancel the whole medical adventure and stay home with them.

The littlest one was jealous/insecure because the 3 yr old had a mummy there she didn’t and maybe she believed she’d never have a mummy again.

If I were you I’d tone down the seriousness of the upcoming operation.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:55

Thank you hungry what a lovely person you are. I am in the west 😄 i will find a way just wanted to check it is not me being so stressed that I am not seeing things clearly.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:56

Dc don’t know the whole story although I have been in hospital for something similar and so know it won’t be a walk in the park

OP posts:
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 17:57

Elder- I know that feeling all too well. Wondering whether you will be okay! You will, I know its easy for me to say. But just know, I saw those doors twice and each time all I could think about is my babies.

Your surgeon is right. You will need all the strength and support you can get. Im guessing it's a big surgery. It does get better.. I promise it does Flowers