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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babysitter didn't feed my children....am I U or her?

240 replies

elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 14:58

I was taken into hospital yesterday for tests on my heart. My dc were being looked after by our regular babysitter who also helps in the house.

She brought her son with her (he is 3) didn't mention it until I texted to check they were okay, I don't mind but she could have asked me.

I called my dc and both were really quiet and I was worried, when I got home at 8pm neither child had eaten anything, they were hiding in their rooms. There was dog's vomit on the floor, I don't expect her to clear it up but she could have at least put something over it to stop the dc walking through it as her ds did in the end. Kitchen was a state, music was blaring and she couldn't leave fast enough.

Both my dc said she spent the entire time kissing and playing with her son and didn't even speak to them. They were entirely ignored and hiding in their own house.

I have no family and she is booked for three weeks to look after my children when I go into hospital for surgery. I am having a major operation and I am already really worried. She was/has been so nice for the last 5 years I am really shocked she has been like this, it is like she is a different person.

I am not sure if I am being U because I am so worried generally, or if she is being U for not looking after them properly. I have no family so I am completely relying on her. I am out of action for six weeks in total and this is the last thing I need.

OP posts:
Seeline · 04/05/2018 15:13

What does she normally do with her own DS when you've used her before?
How much notice did she have that you needed her?
Do oyu have a formal contract with her (is she basically a business) or is it more like a friend helping out?

I m surprised that your DCs weren't more comfortable with her given that you have been using her for 5 years. Are you sure that you are getting the whole story?

StormTreader · 04/05/2018 15:14

Why was the kitchen a state if the kids hadnt eaten anything?

upsideup · 04/05/2018 15:15

Why were your kids hiding upstairs when they have known and been left with this babysitter for 5 years?
Tbh If I was babysitting 9 and 11 year olds who I knew well and they were both up in their rooms I would just assume that they just wanted to be there rather than they were scared and hiding from me

DPotter · 04/05/2018 15:16

Sorry do I understand correctly - that your youngest child was hiding underneath her bed, because of someone she knows was kissing her toddler child? That doesn't stack up right to me. Something else must have happened to send 2 children hiding to their bedrooms. I would be having a bit more of a gentle chat with your children first.

Appreciate things are very stressful for you - but knowing your children are well cared for, is important. If you feel reluctant to talk to the babysitter, I would suggest the relationship you have isn't good enough to leave your kids with her anyway. As PP said - get someone qualified and professional. It's not as if your DC have a brilliant relationship with her, so you may as well go for qualified and professional. That way as well you can insist on no other accompanying children. Best of luck for your surgery

diddl · 04/05/2018 15:17

How often have you used her before?

Seems odd that they know her but didn't dare go into the kitchen & one hid under the bed.

Obviously though if you asked her to feed them thenthis should have been done.

Surely you can at least clarify why she didn't?

If you're not going to use her again then the outcome doesn't really matter.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2018 15:17

Ouch. That sounds grim. I’m just wondering why they were too scared to go into the kitchen. Would she have got cross? Or was it more because they are feeling sensitive and are worried about you?

Can you send her a casual text and say. “Hi childminder. Thanks for having the x and y yesterday. I came home after my hospital appointment to hungry children. Did we get our wires crossed? I thought I asked you to give them some supper.” This may give you some kind of info.

NCJaneDoeNut · 04/05/2018 15:17

Phone Citizens Advice, they may help you find grants to pay for childcare while you’re in hospital.

PasstheStarmix · 04/05/2018 15:18

OP you mention getting somebody tor trust but by the sounds of things you can trust her. She hasn’t looked after your children at all and I wouldn’t be comfortable having h e back if that was me. Have you mentioned why you’d mentioned to her why you dc weren’t fed? You could say ‘oh the kids were really hungry when I got back had they managed to eat anything?’

PasstheStarmix · 04/05/2018 15:18

you*

PasstheStarmix · 04/05/2018 15:18

can’t trust* that should say!

PasstheStarmix · 04/05/2018 15:19

Have you mentioned to her why* sorry my phone is acting up Confused

FlibbertyGiblets · 04/05/2018 15:20

I wonder if your children were out of sorts with a poorly mummy and were a bit non committal about food and so the babysitter felt it best to not insist? Hiding under a bed is quite distressed behaviour; again I think babysitter was de escalating in her own way.

You've had brilliant service from her over 5 years. I don't know what to suggest for your urgent, imminent childcare needs; your own will likely be all at sea and introducing a new person could be rocky.

Best wishes.

CheesyWeez · 04/05/2018 15:21

After this kind of surgery I think your DH should try to postpone whatever it is he has to do after 10 days. Would that be possible OP?

PasstheStarmix · 04/05/2018 15:21

Maybe she asked your dc if they wanted something to eat and they said no if they were hiding and uncomfortable? If they’re that scared around her she’s the best person to look after them again. After five years your dc should be much more at ease than that despite her toddler being there.

PasstheStarmix · 04/05/2018 15:22

maybe born.*

PasstheStarmix · 04/05/2018 15:22

Not** argghhh Hmm

cestlavielife · 04/05/2018 15:24

Where was your dh? Where is your dh gping to be? Can your dc use a mobile? Can they call or text dh ? If you in hospital being operated then dh should be liaising with the babysitter while you are in hospital.

TomRavenscroft · 04/05/2018 15:24

This is really weird. 'She was endlessly slowly kissing her son'? What does that mean?

And if you've used her for years, why are your children scared of her now, to the extent that they're hiding in their rooms/under beds?

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 15:24

I haven’t had the chance to speak to them at length but they did say they felt uncomfortable because she ignores them when she is with them, and only speaks to her child only. They both felt uneasy about being ignored. Her ds was playing with our dogs and their toys and they felt uncomfortable.
She usually just babysits in the eve, sometimes helps me on the odd day.

She comes often and I am so surprised they feel this way, I thought they liked her but something is definitely not right. I will find out more when I pick them up in 5 mins.

Dd9 was under her bed, I think she was worried about me. It is where she goes when she needs a safe spot

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 15:25

Dh works 14 hours a day and that is why I am so worried about her

OP posts:
BlueTrousers · 04/05/2018 15:26

Where will your husband be whilst you are having surgery?

PasstheStarmix · 04/05/2018 15:27

Hmm why would your dc be uncomfortable about a 3 year old (a much younger child than them.) They’ve know her for five years and sound like they were maybe just worried about you and didn't want to eat. If she’s been wonderful the rest of the time I don’t see her changing suddenly. I feel it’s wrong your dc to be so scared and that I’d get a new child provider on this basis.

RavenLG · 04/05/2018 15:28

She was endlessly slowly kissing her son I don't know why but 'slowly kissing' is really disturbing to me.
Agree with other pps that none of this adds up. If you have used her for 5 years surely the children would know her DC and be ok around them (even if she does ignore them) they could play with DDog together etc. I think there is more to this.

PasstheStarmix · 04/05/2018 15:29

Was she ignoring them or giving them space as they were upset about their Mummy and she didn’t want to push things and maybe wanted to keep things as normal as possible?

SofieMonde · 04/05/2018 15:29

www.childcare.co.uk is a good way to find someone local :)