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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babysitter didn't feed my children....am I U or her?

240 replies

elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 14:58

I was taken into hospital yesterday for tests on my heart. My dc were being looked after by our regular babysitter who also helps in the house.

She brought her son with her (he is 3) didn't mention it until I texted to check they were okay, I don't mind but she could have asked me.

I called my dc and both were really quiet and I was worried, when I got home at 8pm neither child had eaten anything, they were hiding in their rooms. There was dog's vomit on the floor, I don't expect her to clear it up but she could have at least put something over it to stop the dc walking through it as her ds did in the end. Kitchen was a state, music was blaring and she couldn't leave fast enough.

Both my dc said she spent the entire time kissing and playing with her son and didn't even speak to them. They were entirely ignored and hiding in their own house.

I have no family and she is booked for three weeks to look after my children when I go into hospital for surgery. I am having a major operation and I am already really worried. She was/has been so nice for the last 5 years I am really shocked she has been like this, it is like she is a different person.

I am not sure if I am being U because I am so worried generally, or if she is being U for not looking after them properly. I have no family so I am completely relying on her. I am out of action for six weeks in total and this is the last thing I need.

OP posts:
MacaroniPenguin · 04/05/2018 16:23

It sounds to me like they didn't spend very long with the babysitter - could have been a very short period and then DC decamped to their rooms. I'd also have big reservations about this though, whether the children's story is de facto or "spun", and would be asking them and the sitter for a lot more detail.

9 and 11 is old enough to understand you need to have a babysitter sometimes, and that's not negotiable, but it's also old enough to have some input into whether to have a particular person or not.

PretABoire · 04/05/2018 16:26

I think they are clearly very worried about you. And potentially acting up a bit in the hopes that they can somehow prevent or delay you going to hospital again.

Definitely get a version of events from the babysitter.

DragonsAndCakes · 04/05/2018 16:27

I’d ask the babysitter for a bit more info. I’d spin it a bit that the children are being a bit freaked and you’re trying to work out what’s going on with them, rather than any criticism of her.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 16:33

I have got a little overwhelmed with the replies.

I have asked her to have the dc and I think if I change it to someone else, I may risk upsetting her. That is why I have posted, I would hate to think I am being unreasonable about this.

Despite the fact she has worked for another family she seems to think you don’t need to do anything for pre teen age group, when in fact they do still need help. Warming food through, getting organised for bed and talking to them. More than anything they needed some reassurance and none was forth coming. Not only that but actively sat and ignored them whilst continuing to entertain her son as if they were not there.

The kitchen was full of crumbs and bits of food, she gave her ds crackers ( not my dc though) as she had already given him dinner before leaving, she knew my dc has got eaten.

I don’t have a huge issue with the food element as they can do it themselves if they get hungry enough, they are not babies, it is the general feeling of neglience that bothers me. Would she notice if they were doing something dangerous? Or were sad etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 16:36

Had not eaten.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 16:39

I am not actually sure why if you know a child’s mother is in hospital why you wouldn’t be a little more caring and kind towards the children? I was paying her to look after my children not hers.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 04/05/2018 16:40

I think you are expecting too much to expect a babysitter to look after two children, deal with dog vomit and tidy up and cook a meal. It sounds as if she was just fed up. And then on top of that shower children and put to bed. Babysitters usually arrive and children are in bed. However, she should have behaved like an adult and dealt with the situation even if she complained about it afterwards.. But why couldn't your oldest child have spoken up and asked for food. On the whole you are expecting her to act like a foster parent which she is not.

LoniceraJaponica · 04/05/2018 16:43

Why isn't the husband pulling his weight more?

my2bundles · 04/05/2018 16:43

I have a 10 year old and see this similar to having his friends over after school. They need supervision, they need to be fed, it would be highly irresponsible not do do these basic things even tho at 10 they could make themselves a snack they are still children and need care esp when responsible for other people's children. I'm sorry this has happened and would be looking for someone else.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 16:45

I didn’t expect her to cook a meal, there was soup in the fridge to warm through.
Nor did I expect her to clean dog vomit, just to cover it so no one walked over it (her ds did) we paid her £30 plus £10 petrol( she lives not even 10 min away) and are very generous to her, so really I don’t think it would be hard for to ask the dc to shower ( she didn’t need to do it!) just to remind them.

OP posts:
Seeline · 04/05/2018 16:45

I agree that you don't need a babysitter, more of a nanny or au pair for when you are recovering. Your sitter has shown that she is not reliable for this type of work.

JaneyEJones · 04/05/2018 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 16:47

My dh gets up at 4.45 every day and doesn’t get home until 7pm at the earliest. He has a long commute is totally knackered. It is a new job and he is worried he may lose his job he is still on probation.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 04/05/2018 16:48

You should've left food to be heated or in the oven to be dished up. This is more about your children being upset about you being in hospital. She's a babysitter not a qualified childcare practitioner. Also at that age your DC can ask for food if hungry. They sound jealous because a little child played with their dog and toys, in the babysitter's position I would not have gone and got them from their rooms. I maybe would've checked if they wanted a drink etc. 5-8 is a short space of time to give the level of attention you think is adequate and cook their dinner and take care of your dog's vomit, she could've maybe covered it up. If you want childminder services you have to hire a childminder. I babysat as a young teen, the child (7-9) would be in bed when I got there or in PJs ready to go, I'd read him a story fetch him some water and see to him if he woke up or needed anything. I got £7-8 per hour and that was twenty years ago and I was a child myself.

FASH84 · 04/05/2018 16:49

You could've told the children to shower before you left , eg don't forget you need to shower before I get home. They don't sound very self sufficient for their ages

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 16:49

I thought they would be self sufficient but they are not you can’t just leave the dc to it otherwise they would never brush their teeth, eat a thing much or shower ever! I need a cattle prod myself most nights

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 04/05/2018 16:50

You need to find someone else. It’s not been an issue till now as she didn’t need to do much. Her giving her son a snack and not offering your dc anything is not on. Not interacting with your dcs is also not on.

You can’t depend on her if you can’t trust that she will actually CARE for your dcs rather than just be an adult in the house which seems to be what she thought.

Thespringsthething · 04/05/2018 16:51

I would be very concerned about this- you paid her £40 inc petrol to sit there entertaining her own child, not clearing up a safety hazard (that's the deal surely if you babysit children, they or a pet might vomit and you have to do the best job you can of clearing up) and not ensuring the children had eaten. This is not 'foster parenting', for goodness sake, it's basic childcare stuff which you would do if you had a visitor child over, let alone if you were being paid.

Furthermore, she isn't worried about all this. If I were her and the kids stayed in their rooms, didn't eat, didn't do the things you asked and there was vomit on the floor, I'd be apologising and saying I was so sorry and didn't know why they weren't eating etc, how could I fix it for next time?

It sounds like the children are very worried, that's why a sensible person is needed to calm everything and keep the routine. It isn't her, really, especially if the 3 year old would always be in tow. Seems she likes the money but isn't prepared to work especially hard for it (contemplating my own £40 a session babysitting service as I could do a heck of a better job than that!)

multiplemum3 · 04/05/2018 16:51

I really don't understand why an 11 year old was too uncomfortable to go into the kitchen just because the baby sitter, the same one for the last five years, was playing with her child?

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 04/05/2018 16:53

TBH your children sound jealous of the three year old. If they are used to the babysitter without her child they obviously weren't too keen on him being around.
Maybe her theee year old needs lots of attention especially being in new environment. Was it last minute that you booked her and she had no one else to mind her child?
Will she be bringing her child when you are having your surgery?

TomRavenscroft · 04/05/2018 16:53

I babysat as a young teen, the child (7-9) would be in bed when I got there or in PJs ready to go, I'd read him a story fetch him some water and see to him if he woke up or needed anything. I got £7-8 per hour and that was twenty years ago and I was a child myself.

I did very similar. And if you and I, as children/teens, could manage this, why can't a grown woman with her own child manage a gentle reminder about a shower, warming some soup and (for the love of God!) cleaning up some puke?

PotTheRed · 04/05/2018 16:54

I thought they would be self sufficient but they are not you can’t just leave the dc to it otherwise they would never brush their teeth, eat a thing much or shower ever!

Umm, if you thought they would be self sufficient then I don't think you can be surprised that the babysitter thought they would be too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 16:54

I need to hire someone else.

Thank you for your replies, she isn’t going to take care of them the way I need them to be cared for. I don’t want them simply to be still alive when I get back, I want someone to make sure they have eaten, ask about their day and check they have washed teeth/bodies.
You are right this is beyond her, I thought she would be ideal because they know her, and she said she wanted to.
I don’t want them eating crap and being left to it whilst I am away, and I will be so worried about them.

It is lucky I found out now.

OP posts:
PotTheRed · 04/05/2018 16:55

It all sounds a bit weird. I wouldn’t think a 9 and 11 year old would need much looking after and I would expect them to ask if they were hungry especially as they have known her for 5 years.

It’s unusual to have tests in the evening, is it possible she thought you would return earlier.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/05/2018 16:55

Pease... babysitter can certainly be expected to heat up a meal. Mine have always been happy to let's say oven cook sausages, cook pasta and broccoli. From local teenagers to agencies' sitters through nursery nurses.

They all always talked to my child and played, possibly more than I do Grin. your sitter is a lazy cow, especially unforgivable when she knew you were in hospital. I would certainly expect to be told if they were bringing their child.