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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babysitter didn't feed my children....am I U or her?

240 replies

elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 14:58

I was taken into hospital yesterday for tests on my heart. My dc were being looked after by our regular babysitter who also helps in the house.

She brought her son with her (he is 3) didn't mention it until I texted to check they were okay, I don't mind but she could have asked me.

I called my dc and both were really quiet and I was worried, when I got home at 8pm neither child had eaten anything, they were hiding in their rooms. There was dog's vomit on the floor, I don't expect her to clear it up but she could have at least put something over it to stop the dc walking through it as her ds did in the end. Kitchen was a state, music was blaring and she couldn't leave fast enough.

Both my dc said she spent the entire time kissing and playing with her son and didn't even speak to them. They were entirely ignored and hiding in their own house.

I have no family and she is booked for three weeks to look after my children when I go into hospital for surgery. I am having a major operation and I am already really worried. She was/has been so nice for the last 5 years I am really shocked she has been like this, it is like she is a different person.

I am not sure if I am being U because I am so worried generally, or if she is being U for not looking after them properly. I have no family so I am completely relying on her. I am out of action for six weeks in total and this is the last thing I need.

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 04/05/2018 16:58

This is so much more about your surgery than I he babysitter.

Just leave out instructions. Or let her know that the kids like to play games or watch x and y show together.

I really think your kids are reacting to the uncertainties of your surgery. At 11 I was left home alone, and I could go make myself some pasta if I was hungry.

There are a lot of complicated emotions around you going into hospital- fear, anxiety, anger, loneliness etc. It’s easier to just blame the babysitter for making you feel those emotions than attempt to unpack them.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 16:59

The Springsthething
I haven’t been able to reply to everyone but this is just what I thought. They are easy going kids usually and I don’t think I was asking for the world just to ensure they were fed and comfortable for a few hours. It is all about the money you are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:02

We had a long drive back and was the last one on the list, she knew this when we made the arrangements.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:03

I agree baby sitter wants the money and also wants to do as little as possible. I can’t blame her but it is not good enough.

OP posts:
Flyingpompom · 04/05/2018 17:06

Are you actually going to be in hospital for the full 3 weeks, or is it just that you'll be recovering?
Because if it's a case of recovering at home then I don't think you need a babysitter for children that age. All you actually need is someone to do the school run. Get your DH to shop for simple foods that the children can put in the oven, get a friend/childminder to bring them home from school and then you're there to supervise, chat, remind them what needs doing etc. They will have to do a lot more for themselves but that would be preferable to a babysitter who sounds pretty awful.
Perhaps spend your money on a cleaner so you don't have to worry about the house while you're recuperating.

PrincessScarlett · 04/05/2018 17:08

Agree that this is about your surgery and not the babysitter. It's just odd that if you have used her for 5 years and all has been fine that your children are not comfortable/scared around her now.

Maybe her loving nature with her own child hit a nerve because you are not going to be around to do that while in hospital/recovering.

At 9 and 11 I think they should be more self sufficient.

You and your DH need to sit down with the kids and reassure them, not expect a babysitter to provide emotional support. Although to be fair if she has known you all for 5 years I would expect her to be a bit more supportive.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 04/05/2018 17:08

All op wants is someone to come look after her children. For £10 an hour you should get everything your have said you didn't! Carers get less than this and do far more. I'm pleased you're finding someone else.

I'd be so cross if this happened with my children.

Dancingleopard · 04/05/2018 17:08

I think because your stressed your massively over reacting. Flowers

Kids embellish stuff. They could have made a sandwich. It sounds like she was keeping her three year old entertained in some one else home - which actually can be difficult.

Yes she could have covered the dog sick up and I’d mention that - but finding some one you know will actually keep your kids safe - and she did - is hard.

I think the kids are feeding if your anxiety and embellishing.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:08

Only in hospital for 5 days, but I won’t be able to do a thing for much longer afterwards, as in nothing, complete rest.
So although I would be here if they had a fight, lost the dog, burnt their fingers I could not help them.

OP posts:
MumW · 04/05/2018 17:09

Granted, not the main issue, but if she was feeding the dog sweets then I think she should've cleared up the sick.

Also my DD would've been over the moon to have a toddler to play with. It does all sound a bit weird. Hope you get something sorted out.

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 04/05/2018 17:09

can you get help from social services? is there a hospital social worker?

Dancingleopard · 04/05/2018 17:10

£10 an hour and your expecting a nanny really. Is it £10 each or £10 for both?

feska5 · 04/05/2018 17:12

You are right. You are not being unreasonable. Understandably you feel anxious about your surgery and so do your DC. However, you need to find someone who will look after your DC to your requirements at what will be an emotional stressful time. Then you can concentrate on your recovery. Good luck. 💐Thinking of you.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:12

My dc make their beds, feed the pets, prepare breakfast and simple lunches. My eldest also washes her sports kit.
I don’t let them cook on their own, always with supervision. They both hate showering!
I would not say they were not self sufficient but they can’t be left to run a house night after night single handed, no I don’t think they can. Least of all because they fall out so much when they are tired.

OP posts:
Dwellerfromunderthesink · 04/05/2018 17:13

YANBU. She doesn’t sound up to the job. She will be looking after your DC for three weeks during which they will probably need some tlc and going by last night, isn’t able to provide that.

The last thing you need when you’re having major surgery is to be stuck in hospital wondering if the DC are ok. I agree you need to look into alternative care if possible. You weren’t asking for the world on a stick just some common sense and consideration. I hope all goes well with your surgery and you find someone suitable to look after your DC.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:15

Usually dc love little kids, but she was talking to him in her native language and they couldn’t join in, and also he was shy so they didn’t want to force it.

OP posts:
SheRasBra · 04/05/2018 17:17

I agree with you OP that she should at least have been more compassionate. She must know your DC will be worried with you being in hospital.

I can understand that if it was a last minute thing she maybe had to bring her child but you asked for your kids to be fed and they weren't. 9 and 11 is still really young. Maybe they can knock something up in the kitchen when you're there but they clearly didn't feel confident to do that.

I would have expected anyone over the age of about 14 to at least suggest the kids all sat together and watched something on TV so they didn't feel alone and she could check your kids weren't upset.

You know the answer to this - she's not up to the job. So sorry you have the added stress. Hope everything goes well for you.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:17

Thank you for all of the well wishes, I am sitting here sobbing reading some of your lovely messages.
I am anxious, anyone would be in my position but we all need a reliable kind person and I don’t think she is it anymore sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 17:18

That

OP posts:
Flyingpompom · 04/05/2018 17:20

So you'll be in bed? I'm just thinking, obviously if you're there then the babysitter won't get away with treating the children badly, will she? And if they need reassurance, emotional support etc then you're there.
I do honestly think children that age should be able to cope if you're there.
Do they regularly have fights which require your physical intervention? Because mine fall out often but it is sorted with words! Which I could manage from the sofa if necessary. If they were 5 or I'd understand, but your eldest must be starting secondary school soon, surely?

Bettiedraper · 04/05/2018 17:22

they didn’t like the way he was pulling at the dogs fur and feeding her sweets.

Did the 3-year old give chocolate to the dog, by any chance? That could explain the vomit! If that is the case definitely terminate the babysitter's employment.

user838383 · 04/05/2018 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/05/2018 17:23

YANBU.
She definitely should have ensured your children had eaten something (especially as around dinner time).
£10 per hour plus petrol is a fair rate.
Find someone else.

OpheliaStorm · 04/05/2018 17:23

I hope you will be alright in time. It is a worrying time for you and your family and that might be at play here. Mum's not here, in hospital, Dad's not here either, and look!, babysitter is giving all her attention to her little boy.

Your kids will not starve at that age. It doesn't matter for a few days if they throw some cereal in a bowl or make toast. They surely can do that at their age, well the older one can I'm sure.

You should concentrate on your health. If you are not happy with current arrangements and they are causing you stress which you do not need, maybe search for someone else. As it is whether we say things are just ok or not, YOU are not comfortable with the arrangement, so if it helps your health, maybe try to engage someone else?

I wish you the best with your treatment. It must be clouding everything you think of every day, especially your kids welfare.

raeray · 04/05/2018 17:25

Oh OP, what an additional stress you don't need if you've got a big surgery coming up.

The babysitter maybe has been reliable in the past and might still be reliable now - but might not be the right person in this circumstance when your children are already worried.

They need someone who can make a bit of a fuss of them and take their minds off things a little.

I too would ask the babysitter what happened with the food/the whole evening.
She should have given you a little handover of how things went before she left anyway really.

I think you'd find someone else for £10/hr who'd be up for doing the job and doing it well. You could contact your local college that does childcare courses there'd be some very enthusiastic trainees who'd jump at the chance of some paid experience.
Or if you're near a uni that does nurse training I bet someone there would love the job too.

Or maybe ask at your kids school- someone saving fo their wedding or something might like the extra hours and could bring them home from school.

Just a few little ideas just in case they help.

Take care ThanksBrew