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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babysitter didn't feed my children....am I U or her?

240 replies

elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 14:58

I was taken into hospital yesterday for tests on my heart. My dc were being looked after by our regular babysitter who also helps in the house.

She brought her son with her (he is 3) didn't mention it until I texted to check they were okay, I don't mind but she could have asked me.

I called my dc and both were really quiet and I was worried, when I got home at 8pm neither child had eaten anything, they were hiding in their rooms. There was dog's vomit on the floor, I don't expect her to clear it up but she could have at least put something over it to stop the dc walking through it as her ds did in the end. Kitchen was a state, music was blaring and she couldn't leave fast enough.

Both my dc said she spent the entire time kissing and playing with her son and didn't even speak to them. They were entirely ignored and hiding in their own house.

I have no family and she is booked for three weeks to look after my children when I go into hospital for surgery. I am having a major operation and I am already really worried. She was/has been so nice for the last 5 years I am really shocked she has been like this, it is like she is a different person.

I am not sure if I am being U because I am so worried generally, or if she is being U for not looking after them properly. I have no family so I am completely relying on her. I am out of action for six weeks in total and this is the last thing I need.

OP posts:
PasstheStarmix · 04/05/2018 15:31

Also a 3 year old will require more attention than older children who are more self sufficient.

bringincrazyback · 04/05/2018 15:31

YANBU. She's taking the piss.

cestlavielife · 04/05/2018 15:32

Yes your dd may have been worried. Make sure they know how to get a bowl.of cereal Does your dh work 14 hour days five days a week or shift pattern ? He can take carer leave or parental.leave. or dc could go stay with grandparents ? Or friends?

Get a different baby sitter. Clearly you have outgrown this one.

soupforbrains · 04/05/2018 15:35

OP roughly where in the country are you? Perhaps some of us could make suggestions of other places to look for a sitter if we have an approximate location?

MissP103 · 04/05/2018 15:37

Yanbu
Firstly why did she bring her child along? You wouldnt be able to do this in most jobs so why was this acceptable. Her child is 3 and she knew he was going to need alot more supervision.
Secondly believe your children and start looking for someone else. After 5 years they wouldnt have reacted like this. In fact if they genuinely liked her all along they would have probably covered up for her.

TomRavenscroft · 04/05/2018 15:37

I don't know why but 'slowly kissing' is really disturbing to me.

Yes, that's the weirdest bit for me too.

BrieAndChilli · 04/05/2018 15:44

I’m a bit ck guess about the surgery timeline.
Your DH is around for the first 10 days?
You are I. Hospital for up to 5 days?
So your DH will be Home with the kids while you are in hospital and then for the first 5 days you are home??

Then he is back at work and so you will be using the babysitter? So you will be recuperating at home and she will be there to do physical stuff /keep eye on kids while you are sleeping etc?

Is that correct?

Mammyloveswine · 04/05/2018 15:45

This is all very strange... your children are quite old now so id sit them down and ask about what went on from start to finish.

Then speak to the sitter and just ask how the kids were.

It sounds as tho you are having a very stressful time tho UP so Flowers for you.

TroubledLichen · 04/05/2018 15:49

Is the slowly kissing bit really believable?! If the kids spent most of the time hiding in their rooms then how did they know that the sitter spent the entire time doing this? I’m not implying they’re making it up, just that they were no doubt upset at Mum being in hospital and don’t want to be left again so may be exaggerating slightly. They obviously aren’t comfortable with the sitter though so definitely find someone else.

TammySwansonTwo · 04/05/2018 15:50

It does seem very strange for them to react like this when they know her. I would definitely be asking them what happened.

mrsm43s · 04/05/2018 15:51

Surely a 9 and 11 year old don't really need much actual babysitting? At that age, they just need a responsible adult in the house. The hiding under the bed/in their room suggests that something else is going on, which may or may not be related to the babysitter. I really think you need to talk to them and to the babysitter to find out the full story.

Re food - if I was babysitting from 5-8 and no food/food instructions had been left out, then I probably assume that children had already eaten. I actually think it would be unreasonable to go out at 5pm and expect a babysitter to start cooking dinner from scratch - lasagne in oven/salad in a bowl/table laid with the babysitter serving it up would be fine, or perhaps a pizza in the fridge with a note left, but not no note/no instructions/no thought for what the children will eat. I would also think,that if they were actually hungry, the children are more than old enough to make themselves some toast/a sandwich,or simply ask the babysitter what's for dinner.

I think the 3 year old coming should probably have been agreed in advance (but personally I wouldn't have a problem with it), and I agree the dog vomit should have been covered.

Not sure why the kitchen was a state if she hadn't fed the children? Were you expecting her to clean as well as babysit? Or was this mess of her making? I would expect a 9 & 11 yr old to clean up their own messes, but if the babysitter or her son made a mess she should deal with it. You WBU if you were expecting her to clear the kitchen of mess that was there before she arrived.

You need to have a think about what your expectations of a babysitter for preteens are and communicate that, so that you are both on the same page. I think you were expecting her to be a lot more hands on than I would have expected with children of that age, and presumably than she thought was expected. No one is right/wrong/unreasonable, just different expectations.

PasstheStarmix · 04/05/2018 15:53

@mrsm43s the OP said she had left a clear instruction to the sitter to ask her to give the kids supper.

lhastingsmua · 04/05/2018 15:53

Not quite sure why your kids were scared because she wasn’t behaving in a threatening manner. Kissing/talking to her son downstairs isn’t scary. That is over dramatic surely

Not quite sure how the babysitter’s actions led to your daughter hiding under the bad? Again babysitter wasn’t threatening or scary. Maybe your kids were uncomfortable due to you being ill/your upcoming surgery and were worried about that? Because honestly the babysitter didn’t do anything to warrant them trembling under their bed.

I however can understand them feeling uncomfortable if she is ignoring them in lieu of her own child. That is something you can discuss with her and let her know that you still expect her to be attentive to your children when they are in her care, regardless of bringing her own child over

ChocolateRaisin09 · 04/05/2018 15:56

Didn't she only bring her own DS as it was a bit last minute? I think the kids are over exaggerating

reallyanotherone · 04/05/2018 15:56

Kissing her 3 year old for 3 hours? Really? A 3 year old would sit for 3 hours submitting to that?

Something doesn’t ring true, especially if you’ve used her for 5 years.

Contact her and ask if something happened, as your children are behaving oddly.

FilledSoda · 04/05/2018 16:02

There is far more to this than we're being told , you need to speak to the babysitter and your kids.
Slowly kissing ? Wtf ?

Witchend · 04/05/2018 16:04

Why were they hiding for the whole time? Maybe she asked them to come down and tell her what they'd like to eat and they refused? If mine had been hungry at that age they'd have gone and asked repeatedly.

upsideup · 04/05/2018 16:04

I think it sounds like your kids were missing and worried about you and dont want you to leave them again.
Theres a lot to their story that doesnt add up, you need to talk to both them and the babysitter properly.

Missingstreetlife · 04/05/2018 16:06

Can you get an au pair?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/05/2018 16:10

I think your husband needs to step up a bit; they're his kids too, he has to take some responsibility for their care while you are not well. Possibly cut his hours or something. What does he do?

JaneyEJones · 04/05/2018 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lifebegins50 · 04/05/2018 16:18

Op, can you say what type of surgery? We might be able to assist in recovery times as often hospitals give worse case analysis.

I suspect there a side to her you haven't seen and you know your children so trust your instincts.

I am sure you will be able to get someone else especially if its for a week 5pm-8pm.
I have been where you are and know that feeling before major surgery so do what makes you feel happier.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 16:20

Okay so I asked them to elaborate about the slow kissing thing. My dd said she was showing off, a kind is show parenting ( she didn’t use this term) but she said it was making her feel uncomfortable because it was like she wasn’t there. Invisible. Babysitter was dancing with her child, playing with her child. If I am honest I think they felt left out, they didn’t like the way he was pulling at the dogs fur and feeding her sweets. They felt it was really chaotic.
I don’t know exactly why they are so sad with her if I am honest. My dd11 was crying last night, not sure if it is the surgery or babysitter.

OP posts:
viques · 04/05/2018 16:21

For those of you a bit meh about the 'slowly kissing ' description then remember this is what was reported to the OP by two distressed children, possibly upset because they know their mother has an operation in the near future and that their care has been farmed out to a babysitter rather than their father. It was probably nothing more or less than the mm mm mm sort of repeated kissing that most mothers do on their toddlers cheeks or necks.

I would also check the non feeding business, I find it hard to believe that a baby sitter who has known the family for five years did not offer food. Maybe the girls turned it down.

The dog sick business is odd,