babysitter didn't feed my children....am I U or her?

[elderflowerandrose]

I was taken into hospital yesterday for tests on my heart. My dc were being looked after by our regular babysitter who also helps in the house.

She brought her son with her (he is 3) didn't mention it until I texted to check they were okay, I don't mind but she could have asked me.

I called my dc and both were really quiet and I was worried, when I got home at 8pm neither child had eaten anything, they were hiding in their rooms. There was dog's vomit on the floor, I don't expect her to clear it up but she could have at least put something over it to stop the dc walking through it as her ds did in the end. Kitchen was a state, music was blaring and she couldn't leave fast enough.

Both my dc said she spent the entire time kissing and playing with her son and didn't even speak to them. They were entirely ignored and hiding in their own house.

I have no family and she is booked for three weeks to look after my children when I go into hospital for surgery. I am having a major operation and I am already really worried. She was/has been so nice for the last 5 years I am really shocked she has been like this, it is like she is a different person.

I am not sure if I am being U because I am so worried generally, or if she is being U for not looking after them properly. I have no family so I am completely relying on her. I am out of action for six weeks in total and this is the last thing I need.

Have any of your friends teenagers that could do some of the day stuff ?

I has major surgery a few years ago and we down played it butDS still got stressed.

I had DH lea e me at hospital even though I was petrified as DS needed him more

Good luck

There may be some kids who couldn’t tell someone that has been their babysitter for 5 years years that they were hungry but I don’t think that would be an ‘average’ child.

Indeed, luckily that's not what I actually said. When I said the average child of those ages, I was referring to the general comments stating that children of that age should be able to look after themselves and sort themselves out when a parent is undergoing medical treatment etc. I then said in a subsequent post that some children might find it difficult to assert themselves with a babysitter behaving like this one was.

Sounds like your children are upset about the fact you are going away for your operation.

They felt sad and abandoned seeing the babysitter with her son. They were probably exaggerating the extent of the kisses etc, because that is what upset them.
They were quiet and hid away feeling sorry for themselves, but the babysitter probably didn’t realise anything was wrong.

Maybe your children think that if they are unhappy with the babaysitter, you won’t go away? I know that isn’t logical as you have to have the operation, but upset children are rarely logical.

Babysitter was clearly insensitive, but if you explain to her how your health and absence is affecting your children, that she needs to show extra care towards them, and that you don’t want her to bring her son again, it would probably be better next time.

Best wishes for your operation

@elderflowerandrose
Really sorry to read about your whole situation/predicament.
Starting point, for me, would be to speak to babysitter, in person, to have her version of events. Easy for me to say, but try not to get stressed. You stated that she gets "defensive" - suggesting you've had previous issues?
She was paid £40 for 3 hours "work" - assuming she's not going to pay tax/National Insurance on that? As she didn't fulfil any of your requests - it's what my granny would have called "money for old rope"!
In addition, without prior agreement with yourself, she brought her 3 year old son. My main concern would have been if the dog had snapped/bitten/attacked him. Whose fault then? ( your girls stated child was pulling dog's fur + getting fed "treats" - two very obvious situations with potential).
I hope you find a suitable alternative.
"Best Wishes" with your operation and recuperation

Elder I am sorry you and your family are going through a very difficult time and I do wish you the very best.

Regarding the babysitter I think you could do with taking a few days before making any decisions. With the greatest respect, you've gone from describing her as someone you know better than most of your own family to someone who would deliberately neglect the children she has known for five years. This based on what two stressed children have told you.

I'm not for a second suggesting the DC are lying but I think their upset is about the worry they have at the moment and being young they have difficulty articulating this. It's easier to explain they were sad and upset because she was kissing her child and "ignoring" them than to explain that seeing that child's mummy kissing and cuddling him/her reminded them that what they really want is their mummy and that they're worried about you.

It sounds like the dc might benefit from talking through their fears with an uninvolved person, they won't necessarily want to worry you or DH. Is there any way to arrange this, possibly through school or GP?

Only you can decide whether you want to continue using this babysitter but what's been outlined here doesn't really add up and I'd be careful about losing a potential support on the basis of what did or didn't happen on that particular evening, knowing the children's feelings were likely very much coloured by the current situation.

Hi Elder,
So sorry for everything you are going through. I'm a children's nurse and if you live anywhere in the West Midlands I might be able to help somehow?

First thing you have to do is to get an approved childminder and with references as not feeding your children is definitely not acceptable and I don't care about her version of events.

You definitely need a new babysitter. Any family who can help ?

Also dh should speak to his work HR and explain. They may show some compassion.
But he has to ask.

you've at first said you've no family, then said you know her better than yoyre own family. then refer to "WE pay her"....confused......

Op, if she was someone new I'd suggest getting rid of her straight away.

But since she's worked for you without incident for five years, I do think you should talk to her and get her version of events before making any hasty decisions. After all, there is no guarantee that a replacement will be any better, with the added issue of unfamiliarity.

I would also be cross to come home to sad, hungry children and a messy kitchen, but at least give her an opportunity to explain.

She may have thought that your dc were happily playing upstairs, and that they'd ask if they wanted anything.

She may have had no choice but to bring her son, and rushed off because it was past his bedtime.

She may not have noticed the dog vomit.

Or you may be perfectly justified in sacking her, I don't know, but just a conversation to give her the benefit of the doubt after five years of good service.

How odd. Suddenly looking after your children is 'beyond her'.

The whole thing sounds very bizarre. Why would a 9 year old be hiding under a bed from someone they've known for 5 years?

In terms of her not looking after them, I'm not really sure what else you'd expect a childminder to do with dc of that age. Surely they should be able(and she might have thought they were quite happy) to entertain themselves at that age.

It sounds as if they might be concerned about your operation.

She knew they would be worried as their Mum was in hospital so instead of making a fuss of them and being reassuring she basically ignored them and focused entirely on her own son. You were paying her and it is not good enough. Advertise for someone else. You must be able to trust a person to care for your children with compassion when you return from hospital. You won't be able to relax and recover otherwise. I would contact SS and ask for a bit of help for a week or two when you are in hospital or maybe they could go to a childminder after school and dh could collect them when he got home from work. He will have to cut his hours down for a few weeks as you recover.

Would it be possible for your DH to move your bed downstairs to the living room or dining area temporarily so you can keep an eye on things while you recover?

You should not have to worry about any of this, leave it to your DH to worry about and sort!

Viviennemary you don't shower an 11 and 9yo and put them to bed, you tell them to do it and they do it.

Maybe your children think that if they are unhappy with the babaysitter, you won’t go away?

I think kids of 9 and 11 are old enough to realise that mum has to go into hospital, even if they don't like it... (as is normal).

Sorry OP. Your DH will have to step up. Even is he works 14 hours a day. I know it's shit, but I'm coming from Single parenthood, working and taking care of my ageing parents. Yep. life is shit sometimes....

Babysitter sounds like she's just doing it for the money. Dogshit in the house?! I would sack her for that alone.
Bad enough on a pavement..... but that is disgusting.

What a very strange thread. Lots of posters seem determined to make the point that OPs children may in some way be defective and the fact that she hadn’t left step by step instructions as she headed out to hospital is the issue.

And no shit Sherlock the kids are worried and upset. Any adult - regardless of whether they are a paid professional or someone lending a hand - should have worked that out and been responsive to the children’s needs.

I simply can’t imagine ignoring sick - no matter whose house I was in or what I was supposed to be doing there. Is it not just weird to ignore it?

Anyway, I wish OP all the very best and that she finds more suitable childcare for the duration of her recuperation. Oh! And just a thought that School may be able to provide some help for the children with regard to support groups/talking therapies etc both in the run up to the op and afterwards.

£10 an hour and your expecting a nanny really. Is it £10 each or £10 for both?

£10 per hour net is the going rate for a nanny.

I think the OP made it clear to the babysitter what she wanted her to do eg feeding, reminding about shower etc and the babysitter failed to do this. That’s the problem and I agree it’s not acceptable.

Hi OP

Sorry that you have unnecessary stress when you least need it. Just a thought - could you children have a school dinner so that they only need a sandwich tea whilst you are recovering? It obviously doesn’t get around ALL the other issues (& I would be looking for someone new personally) but may alleviate one stress. Hope all goes well and you bounce back and astound medical science 😃

The minimum in this situation I would have expected was my children to be fed and for the sick to have at least been covered up and not left to trample in.

Ideally I would have liked them to have thought of something inclusive so my children who were scared and worried didn't feel they needed to scurry off and hide. I'd have at least tried to put a film on or something or gone up to their rooms and made sure they were ok emotionally.

OP, so sorry to hear of all you're going through. It can't be easy, and obviously understandable that you're worried for your DC too.

I agree with PP, talk to the babysitter to get her version of events and to maybe explain to her why you're disappointed. After 5 years of a good relationship, it really could just be as simple as some confusion on this occasion.

Have you ever asked her to feed dc before now? Did she see it as helping you out in an emergency, therefore completely reasonable to bring her own dc along? Maybe she just doesn't understand how serious the situation is emotionally?

I think a lot depends on what she's been asked to do previously, this is how she'll interpret your expectations of her each time.

In my experience though, a babysitter wouldn't normally feed dc, unless they say they're hungry, and providing emotional support in a situation like this is so much more complicated than I think you'd generally expect in a typical babysitting job.

I'd actually be most worried about the dog vomit in a weird way. I can see it's easy for someone to make assumptions about the kids having eaten, not being hungry, maybe just needing time alone and get things a bit wrong, but surely in any circumstances you'd clean up the dog sick?!

It sounds to me as though you need someone much more qualified, like a nanny, to support you through your recovery, but ultimately this is down to you. You need to feel confident in them, for the sake of your own health as much as anything, so I sincerely hope you find the right solution.

YANBU OP. You paid the babysitter £40- perfectly reasonable to expect her to warm up some soup, remind the children to shower and chat to them a bit. Why on earth would a qualified nanny be required for such simple tasks?

Also, no-one likes clearing up dog sick, but any responsible adult would have sorted it.

Find a nice local teenager. They will be grateful for the money, and probably do a much better job.

There may be some kids who couldn’t tell someone that has been their babysitter for 5 years years that they were hungry but I don’t think that would be an ‘average’ child.

I know lots of children who wouldn't ask for food to be prepared. Usually an adult prepares dinner without the child asking them to because they're hungry.