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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babysitter didn't feed my children....am I U or her?

240 replies

elderflowerandrose · 04/05/2018 14:58

I was taken into hospital yesterday for tests on my heart. My dc were being looked after by our regular babysitter who also helps in the house.

She brought her son with her (he is 3) didn't mention it until I texted to check they were okay, I don't mind but she could have asked me.

I called my dc and both were really quiet and I was worried, when I got home at 8pm neither child had eaten anything, they were hiding in their rooms. There was dog's vomit on the floor, I don't expect her to clear it up but she could have at least put something over it to stop the dc walking through it as her ds did in the end. Kitchen was a state, music was blaring and she couldn't leave fast enough.

Both my dc said she spent the entire time kissing and playing with her son and didn't even speak to them. They were entirely ignored and hiding in their own house.

I have no family and she is booked for three weeks to look after my children when I go into hospital for surgery. I am having a major operation and I am already really worried. She was/has been so nice for the last 5 years I am really shocked she has been like this, it is like she is a different person.

I am not sure if I am being U because I am so worried generally, or if she is being U for not looking after them properly. I have no family so I am completely relying on her. I am out of action for six weeks in total and this is the last thing I need.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/05/2018 23:03

I know lots of children who wouldn't ask for food to be prepared.

Wish I knew the kids you do Grin. My DC, my small relatives and all visiting DC are extremely vocal about food!

rinabean · 05/05/2018 23:11

They'll be equally upset with a different babysitter if not more so because it will be proof their scheme to stop you being poorly and away from them didn't work. They're afraid. They are not afraid of a woman kissing her toddler son. They are afraid because you are having surgery. No babysitter can fix that.

She was crying for her mummy because you weren't there. No babysitter is you.

Even if they didn't eat for a night they weren't starving, missing a meal doesn't hurt anyone who isn't diabetic or whatever. What's hurting them is their fear. This is an emotional problem and a completely understandable and helpable one, not a feeding problem.

They're old enough to be home alone and feed themselves but that doesn't mean they're old enough to deal with this situation by themselves. Most adults would want help and support, and most adults would have more resilience and coping skills. No babysitter can change that.

I'm not sure what the best way would be for you to get help for them, but I am positive absolutely no change of babysitter will help. Maybe a relative will help, but no stranger is going to be better than a known babysitter right now.

RafikiIsTheBest · 05/05/2018 23:16

I don't think it's fair to expect these two DC, especially at their ages, to be mature, ask for things, do things without prompting with their mother about to undergo surgery. Surely they are scared, worried and so regress to being younger?
I think they need someone who will indulge them a little, give reassurance, distraction and comfort as needed. And bloody well look after them since that's what she's been paid for.
And surely cleaning up a bit of dog vomit isn't asking for that much, surely she's cleaned up worse from her own son or others she's babysat.
OP I hope you find someone else. Personally, it would be ideal job for me. I'm a (mature) uni student, studying teaching so have experience looking after children, actively like other peoples children and have a DBS check. Maybe see if there are any similar people close to you?

manicmij · 05/05/2018 23:17

Most SS would provide support of some kind but you may have to make a financial contribution to cost. Don't think Ii would be able to go to hospital knowing what has happened with babysitter. Definitely organisations for babysitting on web. Perhaps your babysitter has changed now she has her own child and sees him as her priority no matter what. Goid luck and hope you have success.

ohfourfoxache · 05/05/2018 23:55

Op I’m just going to PM you x

Sparklyhousedust · 06/05/2018 00:17

All the best to you OP. You’ll find a way and I hope it’s not too hard 💐

findingmyfeet12 · 06/05/2018 00:52

Op this sounds like a nightmare situation for you.

You were definitely not expecting too much of the babysitter. A lot of jobs pay that kind of rate and expect more graft than that!.

My sister did some babysitting for friends and would feed, bath and put the children to bed as well as collect them from school. Your children only needed a basic meal heated up and a reminder to shower!

It's not all about doing the work though, you want someone with some basic human kindness to look after your children. Allowing her son to mistreat your dog was also dangerous, cruel and stupid. This alone would concern me.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 06/05/2018 06:38

Are people missing the bit where the OP asked the babysitter to warm up the soup in the fridge for the DC?

Aridane · 06/05/2018 07:41

Yes, I missed that, just read that there was soup she could have warmed through

I didn’t expect her to cook a meal, there was soup in the fridge to warm through

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 06/05/2018 07:57

I asked her to please give them supper and to ensure they were in the shower, and ready for bed.

stourton · 06/05/2018 09:11

Flowers to you OP. You are Not BU.

I would expect a babysitter to make sure they are fed entertained and showered, because those are the core hours for that. Has she done these things before with your Dc?

But I do have to agree with the others that after 5yrs without incident, you need to talk to her.

Could it be that she thought you really needed her at an emergency, and just came with her DS.
Does she know the extent of the seriousness of your health?

It does sound like her DS needs a lot of attention, maybe not just because of his age. He was in a strange place, could it be he finds it hard to adapt to new places and new people? Could he have special needs etc.? From the way she seems to have ignored everything and everyone else, she seems to have been overwhelmed by him, maybe she was not expecting that?

Do you have time for a test run before surgery, to see what her behaviour will be next time. Make it clear to her she just cannot have her dc over, and reiterate the seriousness of the situation.

Good luck op

CosyLulu · 06/05/2018 09:41

Really feel for you OP. Nothing you have said would be U in any situation but with your impending surgery, even more so. How could this woman be unaware that your kids would need MORE not LESS attention???

If I were you, if there is any way dh can take some emergency time off and both visit you in hospital and look after the dc when not with you for that first 5 days I would do it. It will be a weight off both of your minds. Then when you’re home he can supervise and oversee any nanny you hire. But not the current one; she sounds really inconsiderate.

Good luck with it all xxx

PrimalLass · 06/05/2018 10:26

but no stranger is going to be better than a known babysitter right now.

Couldn't agree less.

cutie101 · 07/05/2018 14:17

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this, right now you need as much stability

cutie101 · 07/05/2018 14:25

Try again...
OP I'm so sorry you are going through this, right now you need as much stability and reassurance as possible.
I'm not sure if you have considered (or have room for) an automatically pair. You provide them with food and a roof over their head and a small weekly pay in exchange for light housework and childcare. Considering you will be at home they won't be in sole charge of your children, and at 9 and 11 your children really just needs an extra person around them who will take an interest in them and care about them. An au pair may be happy to prepare basic meals but otherwise you can always to an online shop of ready meals for the au pair to stick in the microwave, or maybe ask your friends to do a meal rota t help you out a bit (I often cook for friends who are ill or have just had babies etc just to lighten the load a bit) there is a website called takethemameal which you can use to coordinate who is bringing what and when. Hopefully this might be a better solution and the au pair will be around a lot in case of emergency so you have someone on hand, you may even find a local uni student who might be willing to do it as the are almost broken up for the summer, if you are somewhere near Bristol or Bath, contact the universities there as they may know of someone looking for summer work and accomodation. Good luck OP, please let us know how you get on.

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