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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

411 replies

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 02/05/2018 20:02

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 02/05/2018 20:06

I’ve no fucking idea. Presumably you like these people, wish them well and would otherwise spend the same money on a gift.

mshoney · 02/05/2018 20:10

I just think asking for anything is a bit rude. But that's just me. I always think why not just save your money, go do it alone instead of getting everyone to pay for your party/holiday.

Singlenotsingle · 02/05/2018 20:11

It's also much easier.
You don't have to spend hours trailing round the shops looking for something they probably don't want, or have already got! Just pop cash in an envelope and you know it'll be appreciated. I do the same for children's birthdays.

FarmingFeeding · 02/05/2018 20:11

I think, for me, I just don’t really like the idea of asking for a gift or money on an invite. The invites always say ‘if you want to give something...’ buts it’s always laced with ‘we expect something’. If someone wants to give a gift, they will ask the bride/groom/parents of either what’s best, or they will give vouchers or money if unsure. I don’t think it needs to be written out in a poem.

SneakyGremlins · 02/05/2018 20:12

It depends what for. I don't like being expected to finance someone's honeymoon.

JenBarber · 02/05/2018 20:12

Because it seems a bit like an entry fee.

NewYearNewMe18 · 02/05/2018 20:13

I got 27 casserole dishes.

I wish I'd got money.

Lacucuracha · 02/05/2018 20:14

Not everyone does hate them. Asian wedding invites have probably said 'no boxed gifts please' since time immemorial.

Petalflowers · 02/05/2018 20:14

I think the acceptacing of gifts have changed.

In days gone by, at birthdays, Christmas and weddings etc, you would buy someone a gift and give it to them,,and they would accept it. If they didn’t like it, they didn’t say anything but dutifully wrote their ‘thank-you’ letter for the wonderful/thoughtful/generous gift that they had received. The acknowledgement was they had taken time and trouble to purchase the said gift. Money was perhaps considered to be a lazy gift.

Nowadays, presents are viewed slightly differently. People expect to receive them, and ifmyoumdon’t Like it, you immediately take it back,to the shop for something else (see cheeky wedidng present thread)I appreciate this means that presents are not wasted. However, it’s almost as if you are rejecting the gift giver’s generosity.

I’m not sure if I have explained that well.

gingerbreadbiscuits · 02/05/2018 20:14

I have no idea either OP. It is much easier and sensible. With an invitation there is always the implication that you bring a gift anyway as it is the done thing.

Oysterbabe · 02/05/2018 20:15

It's a mumsnet thing. I don't know anyone in real life who minds. People want to give a gift, most couples have everything they need but have just spunked a load of cash on a wedding so money is pretty handy.

Myotherusernameisbest · 02/05/2018 20:17

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the fact traditional gifts are given to help a newlywed couple set up home together. To help them start their new life as a couple. If they are already living together and so don't want or need these 'traditional' things, I think it's quite rude to ask for money instead of.

You already have what you need. Asking for money is just then, well, a bit grabby.

Smeddum · 02/05/2018 20:17

It’s the requesting before they’ve been asked what they’d like that irritates me, ditto gift lists.

gamerchick · 02/05/2018 20:17

Well imo weddings aren’t like they were in the past anymore. They were local for starters usually and a bit of a do afterwards. They didn’t cost a fortune to attend.

Now a significant amount of money is spent just attending the damned things, the before things and whatnot so it’s damned rude to expect anything other than a card when you’ve forked out a bloody fortune in the first place.

No it’s not a summons granted but asking for money to fund a holiday is cheeky.

Extravagant · 02/05/2018 20:18

I don’t like someone knowing exactly how much I have spent on them. A gift can look a lot more generous than the same amount of money in an envelope.

GorgonLondon · 02/05/2018 20:19

It's a mumsnet thing. I don't know anyone in real life who minds.

I do.

causeimunderyourspell · 02/05/2018 20:21

I completely understand it, but it's so awkward. The duty £50 is not affordable to me, but I'd feel like a skin flint putting less in a card. I know that's my problem but it's so embarrassing for those that would have got a £10 gift to them feel like a dick putting the £10 in a card!!

Watto1 · 02/05/2018 20:21

I'd rather give money than a gift. So much easier to nip to the cash point than faff about choosing a gift.

DairyisClosed · 02/05/2018 20:21

Because if its crass. The point of a gift is to give something to show that to you are thinking of that person and for them to remember you by. A gift is not a finacial contribution which is why we have the lovely day that it us the thought that counts. Anyone who thinks otherwise us quite crass.

DairyisClosed · 02/05/2018 20:22

It is also crass to expect a gift or preempt a gift (so not gift registry details on the invitations thank you very much).

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 02/05/2018 20:23

So many reasons. A selection:

  1. It's rude to ask for any gift and even ruder to specify what the gift should be.
  1. Weddings now are ridiculous and usually cost £££ to attend. Expecting cash on top of that is a bit rich.
  1. People without much money can be creative and inventive with a gift and feel like they haven't shown themselves up. Very hard to do when giving cash.
  1. If you have everything you need then ASK FOR NO GIFTS. Why the hell do you think you're entitled to cash from your guests?

If you wouldn't charge an entry fee to your wedding, don't ask for cash.

QuoadUltra · 02/05/2018 20:24

Don’t like giving money, sorry.

Gifts are not about the receiver. Gifts are about the relationship between the giver and receiver - both parties. And choosing something, and thinking about someone.

Pretty much all of the loveliest, specialist things I own have been gifts chosen by someone else for me. It is special.

Nooblynoo · 02/05/2018 20:24

What's the problem? You give what you want to give.

EggysMom · 02/05/2018 20:25

I don't like giving money. It makes me think that the couple have either spent too much on their wedding and want you to subsidise it (as someone else said, it's like having to pay an entry fee); or they've chosen a really expensive honeymoon and want you to subsidise that. Nobody seems to 'cut their cloth according to their means' any more.

The other reason I dislike giving money is because it shows a lack of imagination. If I am invited to an event, I like to think about the person who has invited me, what I know about them, what I think they would like to receive - and then go and buy that. If they provide a gift list, I will choose the most appropriate to be from me to them, so again it'll be meaningful. Giving cash isn't meaningful.

CocoaGin · 02/05/2018 20:25

It's utterly tasteless, that's why. You may as well just charge your guests for attending, as that's what it is tantamount to.

You can buy a gift for someone, and it's the gift not the money you've spent that matters. You can't hide behind a donation in an envelope. Give too much you're flash, give too little you're a tightarse. And nobody actually knows what the right amount is!