To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

Personally I think any kind of gift list or request for money is rude, grabby and desperate.
We had nothing when we got married, but no way would I ever have asked for anything at all.
If people want to get something, they will, you don't need to ask for it.

I've never had a Wedding invitation that mentioned gifts at all and I've been to more than a dozen.

I usually give a voucher. For example, for a meal at their
favourite restaurant, or a shop that I know they favour. I've never given cash. It's so impersonal. I wouldn't care to be asked for cash either because a refusal often offends.

I feel that asking for anything is a bit grasping, TBH. Most couples don't need the traditional type gifts any more, so I feel like it's trying to recoup the cost of the expensive wedding or fancy honeymoon. I put a lot of thought into any present I give, but that doesn't seem good enough now.

Agree with Dairyisclosed. The point of a gift is the thought that went into it. It means I took time away from ME and gave it to YOU, to think about what you want and you like and you need.

Of course, if you don't do that when you go gift shopping, you might as well give money. Or, if we live in a world where we have to give gifts on so many petty occasions that we could never manage the time needed to put thought into all of them: in that case, something needs to change. If the switch to money as an acceptable gift is the thing, so be it.

Also, sometimes money IS the thoughtful gift. It depends on the situation; that's the point.

I am happy to give money, it is the asking for anything in the wedding invitation that irrates me. Let the maid of honour and bridesmaids ect give the guests the suggestions IF they ASK.

No idea. In most of the world, people just give money instead of toasters and butter dishes.

Guest doesn’t need to stress out over shopping, couple can buy what they like.

I’m married to a Korean and here it’s the custom to give money. The weddings are huge (300 to 600 people is normal) and most people give around 50 to 70 pounds. In the end, it means the wedding ends up beinng covered by the money the guests give - not having to stress about paying for a wedding made it way easier to start our married life.

Giving gifts and being all huffy about being asked for money instead is so typical of British people who seem to have some kind of terror of ever talking about money or acknowledging its existence.

*irritates
While on the topic, I have only ever recieved a list in one invitation and it was a shower invitation that included their wedding registry. I did buy off of it. I do want to give something the couple wants, I just prefer them to wait until I ask what they want.

And it is not only on mumsnet that asking for anything in the invitation is gauche...

The moh, motb are to be armed with a list traditionally to field calls and offer suggestions. Such as...the bride to be is decorating her bedroom in blue so any bedding blue...they are doing their kitchen in 50's diner style and bride loves the pale aqua vintage looking mixer/toaster/kettle, the china pattern is xxx, or they really have everything, money would be appreciated.

Agree with many others - asking for gifts is just beyond cringe.

I include gift lists in with that. And putting them in with the invitation suggests to me that you were raised by wolves. Don't get me started on putting requests for cash in with the invitation.

Giving people cash of your own free will - utterly fine.

I think what is becoming a norm is that some people think they are entitled to a massive wedding and an expensive honeymoon they can't actually afford. So they ask people for money to pay for them
This is so very true.
Crass and entitled, definitely. Have whatever party or celebration you like but to actually have to ask people to pay their way is just awful. It really does say a lot when you 'charge' people to attend but give no thought to those who may feel embarrassed about their inability to come up with enough cash to do so. When there is a cover charge to attend, are those charging the fee sensitive to those who will have to decline or give beyond their means?
Then again, I feel the same about people who live together forever and STILL get someone else (ie parents) to fund the party.

It's only frowned upon on MN. People in RL think nothing of it
Simply not true.

No one needs to get married now, there’s no expectation of that if you want to live together etc. so it is really all quite a self-indulgent party.

No it is a legal contract only and you can only get the benefits by getting married.

My family originate from Sicily. It is normal to give money at weddings, and is tradition.

Because it’s like you’re buying a ticket to attend the wedding

I find the "we already set up home and have everything we need" insulting because if youre so well off why ask for hifts at all.

I like knowing i bought something specific that the couple will have for a long time. A contribution to a holiday is not meaningful. No couple will look back and say "aw they gave us £100 towards the honeymoon.

10 years on i have gravy boats and glassware i connect with certain people. Its nice. My parents have special glasses we only take out really rarely called the mr such and such glasses, that they got 40 years ago as a wedding gift. hes been dead for years but we remember him still! Cash is not the same.

Because it's rude to ask for hugs let alone money.

Wedding etiquette was a discreet list held by relatives to help the couple set up theit first hone.

Asking for cash is like charging an entry fee. It sends a message that A you can't be trusted to pick a nice gift and B they want to recoup the costs of the wedding.

It's even more bad manners when it's a subsequent wedding.

I can't get excited about this. It's either a thing from a list or money. I don't care as long as it makes them happy. It might be a casserole dish they need for their first home together or a lovely honeymoon that gives them a break after a stressful time wedding planning. I don't feel like I'm paying for a ticket to the wedding, I feel like I'm giving them something they really want/need and helping them to mark the start of a new life together, rather than giving them something that will be re-gifted or shoved in the loft and forgotten.

It is a bit cheeky to ask for money, but all but one of the invitations I have received have said that guests are not expected to buy gifts but if anyone is desperate to give something, monetary gifts would be the way to go.
The one exception was a bit much: the couple asked for donations towards their honeymoon and set up a website where guests could register to pay for a little bit of it. It was optional, but it came across as an expectation.

I find the "we already set up home and have everything we need" insulting because if youre so well off why ask for hifts at all

People don't always ask for gifts, and quite often specifically say they don't want them. But then you have to deal with the people who couldn't possibly attend a wedding without taking a gift even when they have been told not to.

I like knowing i bought something specific that the couple will have for a long time. A contribution to a holiday is not meaningful. No couple will look back and say "aw they gave us £100 towards the honeymoon

You might see it that way, but plenty of others don't. Why should people have to come up with a list of random household items that they don't want or need to satisfy some people's outdated notion of etiquette?

And if you go off list to make a point that you are quite happy to spend £50 in John Lewis but not just cut out the middle man and just give them the bloody £50, what you are gifting them is guilt and obligation to use that gravy boat or casserole dish, whether they want to or not.

Yes they will think of you when they see it, they will think 'I wonder if we've hung on to Zens fucking gravy boat and casserole long enough yet so we can send it to the charity shop or accidentally drop them while washing up'.

I don't think I would personally go to the wedding of a person I resented giving a gift to. It wouldn't even occur to me not to provide one - you are only invited to the weddings of family and friends, so it's really strange in my opinion to resent giving people you care about a gift on a celebratory day!

Also - I'm incredibly grateful that every invite I have ever received has had gift information on it because I absolutely cannot be bothered with the faff of trying to track down a parent or bridesmaid to ask what the couple would like. I'm going to 7 weddings this year. If I had to go out of my way like that for every single it would be very annoying. I think it's considerate to provide that information on the invitation!

I think a lot of people project their own anxieties and insecurities onto the couple in this situation. You may feel that a certain amount of money is expected or that you need to bring a gift etc but can you honestly say the bride and groom are making you feel that way? Or is it just hoe you feel? When I got married several people didn't bring gifts and it didn't bother me in the slightest because the point was it was lovely to have them there. I still wrote to them to thank them for coming. Unless you're exclusively friends and family with cheeky arseholes who you secretly hate, the vast majority of the couples who invite you to their wedding will still be thrilled to have you attend regardless of whether you bring a gift.

This is why I like Greek weddings. Go to wedding, pin money on bride/groom with a mass of other people so no one really sees what you’re pinning on. Could be £5 or £5000. Also see cheques on there. It’s not considered crass or rude. A few friends wedding were paid for with this money. If the parents are wealthier then the couple keep the money.

There is no such thing as a small Greek wedding as that would be losing face & just would never happen. My cousin had 2000 people to a sit down meal. Everything provided all drinks included.

If I go to someone’s house for lunch/dinner I take a gift this is no different.

Hi Meghan, I think it’s best not to mention gifts at all. Best of luck next week btw!

And fucks me off more is this is becoming common at birthday parties as well

When my daughter had her birthday people ask what gift

I reply just bring yourself

For me i believe it is extremely bad manners to send out an invite and in the same breath then ask for money.
I have no issue what so ever with accepting an invite and then, and only then, if I ask what gift the couple would like, being told.
If I ask in do e to be told cash would be preferred.
However a among for cadh, before you even know if I am attending is shabby and grabby.
I especially loath being told ' oh we have everything we need but we still want cash'.
wait to be asked, it's polite.

It's one of those weirdo things where MN is totally out of step with the norm. I'm British but have my roots in a culture where money is given, so I always have a giggle when I read people's justifications for why it's rude. But even in England, the reality is that the social norms about giving money have changed. Like it or not.

I've no issue with giving money but I don't like it when it's put in one of those twee poems. If you're going to ask for money just go ahead and do it, don't try to hide it in a poem.

@ZenNudist see, 10 years later i see the tea set in the attic and everyvtime i'm annoyed with my aunt for wasting money and efford for the thing (as far removed from my taste as humanly possible). Same is true for pretty much all othrr stucc we got (and i'm sure it meang somethung to the giver). i love to remember our honeymoon though!

It is hilariously English and old fashioned to dance around the subject of gifts rather than just stating your preference clearly on the invitation. If it offends you then just don't go.