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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

411 replies

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 02/05/2018 20:02

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

OP posts:
TroubledLichen · 02/05/2018 20:27

Every wedding I’ve been to has always been either no gifts, charity donantion in lieu of gifts or a JL type gift list. I’ve never been to or heard of anyone I know attending a wedding where money was specifically requested. That said I usually forget about the gift list panic on the day of the wedding and stick some cash in an envelope ‘for the honeymoon’.

In theory I have no problem with it though, just never come across it in real life!

AnnabelleLecter · 02/05/2018 20:28

I always give money. Then they can buy exactly what they want or put it towards their honeymoon

JaniceBattersby · 02/05/2018 20:28

Because giving a gift, especially for a wedding, should be about the thought behind it. It should be something that the couple can look at and remember their day, and the people who gave the gjft.

Giving money debases the whole point of gift giving into a purely financial transaction.

If they have everything they need then they don’t need a gift, do they?

Plus, it puts people like me in an impossible situation. I spend a max of £50 on my own kids’ christmas presents so there’s no way I can afford to give that amount to a everyone whose wedding I attend. And yet, anything less seems stingy.

midnightmisssuki · 02/05/2018 20:29

asian weddings almost always you only get money - we had two weddings and with the asian wedding we only got money - the english wedding, all the asian guests gave money too - we got a few gifts from the other guests but we put in the invite that a gift was not necessary as we didnt need anything (lived together and had a house together for years) so just their attendance would be great.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 02/05/2018 20:29

I just don't get it. How can you not be embarrassed asking people to give you cash? What kind of person do you need to be to think that's okay?

NewYearNewMe18 · 02/05/2018 20:31

It's a mumsnet thing. I don't know anyone in real life who minds.

I agree. No one in their right mind wants to be faffing round trying to ferret out whether they already own a salt and pepper pot or not.

As for a list being grabby - everyone in the real world looks for the bloody list when they get the invitation. No one wants the faff of having to think about what to buy.

But people like to moan.

BonnieF · 02/05/2018 20:31

They don’t.

It’s a weirdo MN thing.

Most sensible people are happy to give the bride & groom what they actually want.

SparkleHorse82 · 02/05/2018 20:33

We didn't have a wedding list or put anything on our invitation - because we genuinely didn't expect presents and I've always feel a bit queasy about lists - and people were SO angry about it. They wanted direction! It irritated me tbh. Either think of a present or don't bother, but don't get sniffy about it.

drquin · 02/05/2018 20:34

There's two things for me.

  1. I don't like you asking me for anything gift-wise. I will decide to get you a gift for wedding / birthday / whatever. If I think cash is (more) appropriate, I'll gift that. I just don't like the recipient TELLING me what to give them. If I don't know what's best / appropriate, and ask you for ideas, and you suggest cash, that's fair enough I can then decide what my gift will me.
  1. I may decide I'd prefer my gift not to go in a general "pot", or fund your honeymoon or wedding band or whatever. In which case, a non-cash gift may be my preference.

Clue is in the name ..... I gift it to you. Thus my decision. Obviously I'm not going to go out of my way to buy you your 27th frying pan or non-matching towels just to annoy you, but it is my gift to you so my choice.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 02/05/2018 20:34

And nobody actually knows what the right amount is!

CocoaGin My husband is Chinese so I have been to lots of Chinese weddings. The Chinese give an Ang Pow (red packet) to the couple with money in it. As a rough guide, you try to give an amount that covers the cost of your place at the wedding dinner, but of course if it is the wedding of a family member you might give considerably more.

The Chinese are refreshingly practical about such matters!

At my own wedding we had a mixture of ang pow and wedding gifts.

WillowySnicket · 02/05/2018 20:34

@DailyMailReadersAreThick has it spot on.

Hen do/stag do, staying over, childcare, transport...before you even get there you've spent more than your family summer holiday! And then cash on top?!

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 02/05/2018 20:34

I don’t get the angst. I like gift lists and don’t mind money requests. I’d rather get someone what they want.

ObiJuanKenobi · 02/05/2018 20:34

We are getting married this year and I didn't reference gifts for at all on the invite and instead have had tens of people asking what we would like as a gift which I'm finding an equally uncomfortable conversation to keep having. You can't win.

Oysterbabe · 02/05/2018 20:35

Every invitation I've ever had that asks for money said no gifts are necessary but money if anything. The majority of people want to give something and the couple would end up with a load of stuff they don't want otherwise.

Original poster
MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 02/05/2018 20:35

A range of responses here!

I think for me I've always just felt like if I like a couple enough to go to their wedding I certainly like them enough to provide a gift as a token of my goodwill. And I want the thing I give them to be appreciated and to benefit them. If that thing is money it's no skin off my nose!

OP posts:
Whatalovelymug · 02/05/2018 20:35

I don’t mind.

FarmingFeeding · 02/05/2018 20:36

have just spunked a load of cash on a wedding so money is pretty handy

Surely people should be hosting a wedding within their means, and if they decide to spend a fortune on it, they shouldn’t rely on their guests to pay it back.

The last three weddings I’ve been invited to have been upwards of 6 hour drives, despite all three couples living locally. One of them had a four day affair. They all expected money on top. It’s just so expensive.

Sunnymeg · 02/05/2018 20:37

I'm a Child of the 1960's , it was seen as rude and vulgar to discuss the topic of money and there is absolutely no way that you could ask for it instead of an actual gift. I know quite a few people who thought I was rude as I had a wedding gift list in the 1980's . My husband to be had had his own house, so we weren't starting from scratch. Back in the day you were meant to have mismatched crockery, pots and pans and be grateful for what you got.

SalsaLala · 02/05/2018 20:39

I think it’s a generational thing maybe? I’m 31 and getting married soon - we have asked for money. A lot of our friends have married over the last few years and all have asked for money, bar one couple who registered at John Lewis. I think it’s slowly becoming the new norm.

stressedoutpa · 02/05/2018 20:40

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. Only on MN.....

NewYearNewMe18 · 02/05/2018 20:44

1. I don't like you asking me for anything gift-wise. I will decide to get you a gift for wedding / birthday / whatever. If I think cash is (more) appropriate, I'll gift that. I just don't like the recipient TELLING me what to give them. If I don't know what's best / appropriate, and ask you for ideas, and you suggest cash, that's fair enough I can then decide what my gift will me.

Why would you buy people appalling shite that isn't to their taste? Why would you not buy something they like/want/need?

This is the reverse of a whiney wife Christmas/birthday/mothers day thread isn't it ... where wifey is always weeping copiously about hubster and his crap gift giving. Whats the MN answer? TELL HIM what you want.

Midthreademergencynamechange · 02/05/2018 20:44

Because if you are a couple setting up home together and already have all the basics, then you don't need a fucking handout from Auntie Mavis.

Wedding gift lists were traditionally for things like towels and sheets and pots and pans.

It's a question of tradition.

sundayfeeling · 02/05/2018 20:44

It depends on how it's done. If they are asking with a cringeworthy poem or even before anyone has a chance to say anything then I don't like it.
A family member is getting married and invited us to the wedding. I asked what they would like, he said don't worry about a gift we just want you there. I said I would like to get them something or give money. He said in that case they could use the money because they are renovating their first home. In this case, I have absolutely no issue with giving cash.

Midthreademergencynamechange · 02/05/2018 20:46

Also, could everyone who issues a wedding invitation get over the idea that they are doing the invitee a favour? Usually it costs the invitee a hell of a lot of money and while they might be very happy for the bride and groom they would in the main be equally happy if they didn't get married.

Ragwort · 02/05/2018 20:46

I really don't think presents (whether actual 'gifts' or cash) need to be given at weddings at all. If the bride and groom want to spend thousands on a day of their dreams boak then fine, do that but without the 'expectation' of cash or gifts.

Why is it so essential to give a gift - if you can afford to spend so much on a wedding then surely you don't need a few hundred pounds or whatever you are likely to receive Hmm?

I have given parties in the past, for milestone birthdays, my DS's christening etc and I genuinely DO NOT WANT ANYTHING - and I make this absolutely clear on the invitation.

In the past, you gave a gift to help towards the couple's first home, as most people live together these days it is just no longer important. Therefore to still 'expect' a gift (or cash) does smack a bit like 'I don;t mind inviting you and spending £X on your meal and entertainment but I am looking for something in return'.