To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

Ragwort explained it all perfectly at 20:46.

I love giving money - I think it is the perfect gift, which avoids the waste caused by buying things the recipient probably doesn't want.

And it saves me agonising what to get, wasting time shopping...

If someone writes on a wedding invite that they want money, I'm delighted. No trying to work out what they would appreciate.

I don’t understand it either. I’m always confused by the threads that go something along the lines of

“The bride and groom have asked for money. What shall I buy them?”

Then you get a load of examples such as ‘nice linen’ (that may not be to their taste) or food hampers of their honeymoon destination (what they may not have the space to store) or where posters have trawled through the sales to find a random gift that was worth a lot more money before it became a sale item so seems more expensive than it is (becuase they can’t shift it becuase it’s shit).

I just shove a couple of notes in a card and it’s done

It's not a Mumsnet thing. Plenty of people hate money requests. It's complex but the main two reasons are I think that you can't hide a small amount if you're skint and we all know very grabby people who don't respect any gifts and that includes money.

As a single person, unlikely ever to marry, I’m not really sure why I should give money to a couple who are likely to be far better off than me (dual income) and already have all they need. Especially when I might have spent several hundred pounds on a hen do, outfit, hotel etc.

No one needs to get married now, there’s no expectation of that if you want to live together etc. so it is really all quite a self-indulgent party.

Whoever made the point about a single person having a party and asking for money was bloody spot on.

I have given parties in the past, for milestone birthdays, my DS's christening etc and I genuinely DO NOT WANT ANYTHING - and I make this absolutely clear on the invitation

But you are up against all the people who couldn't possibly respect your wishes turn up empty handed and think that their need to give you some crap you don't want like a photo frame, glasses that you have to try and cram in the cupboard with all the other glasses you don't have room for or some overpriced novelty shite from We Saw You Coming Not on the High Street.

It's fine not to give presents, and if you must, consumables like champagne, or money are infinitely better than stuff that people simply do not want or need. People who say 'please don't buy us anything' say that because they don't want people to buy them anything.

They are having a wedding party because out in the real world, inviting your friends and family round to get together to enjoy food, drink, chat and a dance is something to be enjoyed, not endured or a ruse to trick guests into paying for the honeymoon.

What @CharlieWork said. Those objecting seem to be thinking all about themselves.

Ottilieknackered

And if people want to get married cos of the law then they can do it for £70.00.

I get and acknowledge that some People are skint

But to save pride surely save for £20 rather than buy some cack in the sales to save your pride ?

That’s more about you than the recipient surely

But at the same time it’s a crying shame
That this is what weddings have become

I would be mortified if a dear old friend had to refuse my wedding because of money 😧

I am not Married for a reason

I’ve been to 6 weddings in the last 2 years and only one of them had a gift list, everyone else asked for cash and I was happy to oblige. I don’t want to give someone a piece of unwanted tat that’s going to end up in a charity shop. There’s too much stuff in the world. I’d much rather give cash for them to spend on a honeymoon or meal out.

I always give money but hate being asked for it, it’s presumptuous and rude.

Because it’s the expectation your gonna get anything it’s grabby as fuck

You invite someone and say oh buy the way don’t forget £50 🙄

I also think that a lot of posters on MN actually hate/resent their ‘friends’ and therefore begrudge doing anything nice for them. That’s why there are so many threads on wedding gifts and expectations. The other day someone was moaning because they had been asked to pay a little towards their friends baby shower. It’s plain tight and nasty.

The thing is, I feel I need permission to just give money rather than trying to intuitively know what the hell they want, so to me they are letting everyone off the hook by saying "money is fine".

I love giving money.

Love to be asked so it’s clear.

Much much prefer it. Very easy.

I also think that a lot of posters on MN actually hate/resent their ‘friends’ and therefore begrudge doing anything nice for them.

It’s certainly not that in my case. I love my friends, and where I can afford it I will do nice things for them happily and without expectation. Perversely I only do it if it’s not expected of me or something I feel pressured to do.

Being grabby is just ugh.

Here in RL money requests and gift lists are not only acceptable but welcome!

I have no problem with it. Have contributed to a few honeymoons. Why wouldn't I want to contribute to a lovely experience as a present? Although I'm massively crap at buying presents do anything that takes the stress out if it is good for me.

Hate gift lists though, not sure that's logical but to they are much more grabby because they're so specific. If there's no gift list I try to find out where they are going to honeymoon and get cash in that currency.

It's only on MN that I've heard you're not meant to give info about gifts with the invitation but be all coy about it and wait to be asked. Seems a but silly to me.

The poster who said they have to pay €250 a couple to attend an Irish wedding is getting screwed... The last wedding we went to, DP and I put €150 into a card and that was because they were very close friends.

Because on MN, the present is about the personal tastes of the gift giver, and not the recipient.

So, in real life you think; I’ll put x in a card and have a lovely day.

On MN you think; how dare these people have a wedding in the first place. And how very dare they have a preference for what they’d like! I shall stick two fingers up at them, and control the gift to within an inch of its life.

Then you go out and buy some shit vase, god-awful silver picture frame, or perhaps worst of all: a naice bottle on something, and pat yourself on the back for putting manners on the people who invited you to partake in their day.

Then of course you come on here and call them various zillas, and “crass” and “grabby”. (I haven’t read the thread but I’ll bet one of those words have been mentioned at least once).

Someone makes an oh-so-original reference to a “twee poem” begging for cash, and the world of MN goes on...

I love it when money is asked for. Makes life so much easier and I know it will be useful to them. If it pays for their honeymoon that’s fine by me.

Lots of people seem to want to show how much they care for people by filling their houses with a load of tat they didn’t want, didn’t need and then can’t even get rid of due to the guilt or risk that people will expect to see it out and in use. Why would you voluntarily increase the clutter in people’s homes when theymake it clear they don’t want it?

My problem with it is that they have spaffed a load of money on an over indulgent party that they can’t afford and expect everyone else to pick up the tab.
As said above, single people or people who decided not to get married they don’t get a party and a hand out.

Next time I get a new cat I might have a party and request money.

I don't understand the issue. I was taught that if you were accepted someone's hospitality, it was only good manners to give them a gift. If I go to someone's home for a meal, I take flowers or wine. If I stay in someone's home, I send a gift when I leave, as a thank you. Attending a wedding is similar - I am accepting the bride and groom's hospitality, so I give them a gift. If they would prefer money to another set of towels that don't match their colour scheme, or a bottle of fizz which they may or may not drink, then it's no skin off my nose. If I like someone well enough to want to share their celebrations, then I like them well enough to give them something. And if they like me well enough to invite me, then they'll understand if I can't give them as much as some people and will appreciate the gesture all the same.