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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

411 replies

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 02/05/2018 20:02

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 02/05/2018 20:47

Doesn't bother me at all. I think it is just an MN thing that thinking that anyone might give you anything in situations when gift giving is normal is "rude" and "grabby".

Littlepond · 02/05/2018 20:48

So awkward when you’ve not got much to spare. I can be creative with a gift and out together something nice for a tenner. A tenner in a card is awful. There’s also something which doesn’t sit right with me being asked to finance someone else’s dream holiday to Hawaii when I can’t even afford to take my kids to a caravan in Bognor bt maybe that’s just sour grapes 😉

ReanimatedSGB · 02/05/2018 20:49

There are quite a lot of cultures where giving money at weddings is traditional and expected, so less of the 'eurgh, it's so greedy/vulgar/disgusting', eh?

It seems to me that the people who whine about being asked for money are the people who don't really like the brides/grooms etc but feel they 'have to' go to the wedding.

sundayfeeling · 02/05/2018 20:49

I think it’s a generational thing maybe? I’m 31 and getting married soon - we have asked for money. A lot of our friends have married over the last few years and all have asked for money, bar one couple who registered at John Lewis. I think it’s slowly becoming the new norm.

I think what is becoming a norm is that some people think they are entitled to a massive wedding and an expensive honeymoon they can't actually afford. So they ask people for money to pay for them.

PurplePumpkinPiss · 02/05/2018 20:51

I prefer to give money but the Irish weddings we've been to the expectation has been €250 per couple. It becomes very expensive

When we married in Australia those that travelled over also gave us that amount. I was fucking mortified and so pissed off I wanted to return it. It feels like the Irish don't want anyone to think they can't afford it.

Yura · 02/05/2018 20:54

I would much rather receive £5 (or no gift at all actually) than a £££ gift that I then have to lug to the charity shop/accidentally drop/otherwise dispose off. I just assume most people asking for money are the same, so they get what I can afford. All the meaningful, thoughtful gifts we got for our wedding that now fill up our attic - what a waste. They all meant something for the giver, but nothing to us (I have a box with the cards though - love them!). We didn’t do a gift list, as we didn’t want any presents. We should have asked for money.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/05/2018 20:57

It’s a weird English thing

I ONLY give money - always have

In Europe the average is much higher too - be happy we can get away with £50!

cariadlet · 02/05/2018 20:57

I totally agree with everything that Ragwort posted. For centuries people lived with their parents until they got married and then needed help to set up home together. That was still the case for my parents' generation. I can really understand why friends and relatives bought gifts under those circumstances.

The bride and groom would usually live in the same village or town as each other as did most of their friends and family so the wedding would be local and not expensive to attend - which made buying presents more affordable.

As many people are now older when they get married and already have the essentials I really don't understand why the tradition of giving wedding presents hasn't died out. Especially as many weddings seem to involve destination locations and hotel stays (not to mention overblown hen and stag dos)

My dp and I have lived together for years. If we ever got married it would seem ridiculous to be given presents. We have everything that we need and I'd feel so embarrassed to be given wedding gifts.

Lacucuracha · 02/05/2018 20:57

It's unfair to say people want cash gifts to fund their massive weddings. If you're having a massive wedding it's unlikely that you will be able to fund it through cash gifts unless each guest gives you hundreds of pounds.

Fairyliz · 02/05/2018 20:59

I can't believe some of the replies on here. Surely you only go to weddings of people you love/care about/ are good friends with?

Surely then you would like to get them something they want not something you think is appropriate? Isn't this something we teach our children when they are very young. grandma would rather have flowers for her birthday than a peppa pig toy.

If you don't like these people and resent having to buy a present just refuse the invite. Surely none of us would want anyone at our wedding who didn't want to be there?.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/05/2018 20:59

Plus isn’t it an age old tradition to gift people ? Name me a culture without wedding gifts

If you can’t afford it maybe don’t go ?

That Irish 250 that’s similar to my European country too

It’s so mean spirited . Sod the new outfit

CharlieWork · 02/05/2018 21:02

It seems to be from the responses here that those that are opposed to cash giving don't seem to be thinking of the receiver at all and purely about themselves.

I fucking love giving cash! Love when they don't specify = cash. Love when they specify cash = cash. Love slightly less a gift list as that is more faff but happy to give the couple what they would actually like or use.

People who give gifts to those who don't actually want them are like those threads of MILs/DHs or similar who give weird gifts or actively buy certain gifts to piss the OP off.

People are strange and hide behind others being rude when it is in fact them being rude.

FeeLock28 · 02/05/2018 21:02

Quite a few of our friends who re-marry have been living together for a while and it's a bit of an excuse for a party. The invitation often includes a suggestion for donations to a favourite charity in lieu of a present.

PollyPutTheCoffeeOn · 02/05/2018 21:04

I agree with MsHoney who posted early on the thread. Asking for anything is a bit rude!

Also, the fact that it's convention and it's what people feel they have to do/and what couples feel entitled to ask for or expect makes it feel like you have to give it, and your generosity isn't even noted particularly.

Imagine if a single person threw a party and said well I've never married and I probably won't now so my list is at john lewis but money is fine!

It'd make you stop and think. Personally I'd rather give to a single person than couples who have each other! The convention says we give to couples.

SimonBridges · 02/05/2018 21:04

I think what is becoming a norm is that some people think they are entitled to a massive wedding and an expensive honeymoon they can't actually afford. So they ask people for money to pay for them.

This is how I feel too. I prefer a gift list and although I will give cash I hate it when people ask for it to fund a honeymoon like it’s a birthright. And when the fuck did a ‘mini moon’ become a thing. You can sod off with that.

gillybeanz · 02/05/2018 21:04

I think it's because folks have become really entitled, especially the generation marrying now.
My ds is getting married next year and they aren't asking for money or presents.
Having lived together for 2 years they'll have everything for their house.
When we were married we had a few items we asked for on a list, but also had most things.
Would never dream of asking for money for a hot tub, pay for the honeymoon, etc.
It's so entitled.

RulaLenskasHair · 02/05/2018 21:05

I'm getting married soon. Just bought some pillow cases. Dammit!

But seriously I actually don't want any gifts, I am a minimalist if nothing else Smile. But people feel awkward, and then if there isn't a list don't know what to do... I know this from discussions about it at other weddings.

What shall I put on my invite?

Nooblynoo · 02/05/2018 21:09

you may have a wedding list and then people don't buy off it, buying something they want to give you. There's really no need to get het up about it. If you don't want to give cash then give a gift card, if you don't want to give a gift card then get them something. It's not as if it's the b all and end all. And if you're going to be hacked off then don't go to the wedding.

Cornishclio · 02/05/2018 21:10

I would much rather give cash and know it was being used for something the couple wanted or needed. It is just a waste to get something you imagine is wonderful for the, and in reality they stick it in a cupboard or landfill somewhere. Loads of people live together first so don't need household stuff. Personal items are much better chosen by the recipient. Less hassle for the giver too.

RebeccaBunchLawyer · 02/05/2018 21:11

To be perfectly honest when you’re on a tight budget for everything (like me), it’s a bit embarrassing when it is known how much you can afford to spend on them, I mean the exact figure.

It sucks if you’d found a great present for a low price (say £15.49 for example), but you’d look tight if you failed to conjure up a minimum of £50 for a cheque.

I’ve been here when finding presents for relatives, then last minute they’ve decided they now want a cheque/voucher and the most I can manage for each is £10, and I feel awful!

Missingstreetlife · 02/05/2018 21:14

Greek weddings traditionally have guests pin money to the brides dress. Also possible to have a honeymoon gift list e.g. Swim with dolphins or scuba diving etc, makes it a bit more personal. Does seem a bit silly to have three toasters or millions of teapots

WeirdyMcBeardy · 02/05/2018 21:14

It's a MN thing.

It's easier.

It saves you wasting money on something that isn't wanted or needed.

It isn't grabby, ettiquette dictates that these occasions means presents. Everyone knows that's how weddings/birthdays/Christmas etc works.

I really hate the word gift and have seen it far too many times in 1 thread.

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 02/05/2018 21:16

Because then it’s obvious what you have paid.

If I can only afford £20, and you have requested cash, then you know I have given you £20.

If i’m good at looking for a bargain then I build buy you a Next £65 duvet set for £20 in the sale, or an amazing coffee grinder on amazon that for some unknown reason is £89.99 reduced to £23. (I can’t give you £23 in an envelope because that would be ridiculous).

If I can’t afford much, which has been the situation at many times in my life as many friends go married straight out of uni whereas I did 2 more years of a masters and a teaching qualification).... I didn’t want my friends to know I could only afford £15. In reality I lost touch with my former uni flat mate because I couldn’t afford to go from central Scotland to Northern Ireland for her wedding (never mind any sort of present)

justabunchofbunting · 02/05/2018 21:17

id give money (unless there was a gift list) and did sort of ask for money on our invites to our wedding... well I put 'If you would like to contribute to the honey moon fund please contact the bride or groom for details on how'... which I thought was good because it made people aware that there was a honeymoon fund but also made it clear they were under no obligation to contribute if they didnt want to or couldnt.
I did not want to make anyone uncomfortable by pressurising people for any kind of gift but also I did not want ten thousand glass sets or ovenware as we had been living together for many years and did not need those things. So thought it was best to mention there was a specific honeymoon fund set up to hint that we would prefer cash if anyone wanted to give a gift.
Certainly did not 'expect' people to give us cash or gifts and were just happy with people attending without bringing anything.

When I am a guest at a wedding I stick to the gift list if there is one and if there isnt I put cash inside the card. Unless im very close to whomevers wedding it is and then I might get some gift on top of the cash that I think they would like. When it comes to people you arent that close with tho who have provided no gift list then you have no idea what they want or need really and id rather they got the money directly and spent it on whatever they want... than buy a gift which is just going to be chucked away.

Nettleskeins · 02/05/2018 21:20

I remember all the wedding presents that were given. One present wasn't available from JL, it was a blue woollen blanket (double). I got a voucher from JL. I cannot for the life of me remember what I spent the voucher money on, it just went on something random that I needed at the time...scissors, ladle who knows.

The problem with money is that it doesn't link people with objects whereas a gift, well you tend not to throw it away and you don't feel guilty if it is beyond your means. Who would buy a set of cork backed tablemats with partridges on them? Yet I still have those now battered tablemats that a kind old gentleman gave me, 20 years later. They have been useful every single day. Money would have been spent.