To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

@brassbrass I don't think gifts are the main feature of a wedding but I do think you're wrong if you don't agree that the social norm in this country for literally decades has been to give wedding gifts. So I just find it reallt weird and artificial to suggest that we should all pretend that isn't the case.

I see gift lists or requests for cash as the bride and groom essentially saying 'if any guests are going to fulfil the normal social custom of bringing gifts, the thing we would most appreciate is X'. It's not a demand for a present. The choice as to whether or not you give one is still there! It's just information you can choose to use or ignore as you see fit.

As far as I'm concerned it's considerate - you're saving your guests the trouble of worrying about what to get you. Maybe you have a talent for always landing on a perfect present that is both something the couple will love and something no one else will think of, but for many this decision is actually pretty stressful and they're happy to be saved the effort of making it.

Weddings are unlike any other celebration in that you often have so many more people there than you would for any other event, and by and large those people will love you and want to give a present as a token of that. That's the reality. I just don't see how it's rude for a couple to acknowledge that reality and offer conveniently packaged assistance to anyone who may want it when it comes to choosing gifts.

And I know, I know, you've told us already many times you prefer cold hard cash

Actually at no point did I ever say that.

Much as you'd like to believe otherwise we had no gift list and no reference to cash whatsoever when we got married.

However, I think giving cash is eminently sensible as I've been arguing all thread and have no problem whatsoever with couples who suggest this in a polite manner.

I see gift lists or requests for cash as the bride and groom essentially saying 'if any guests are going to fulfil the normal social custom of bringing gifts, the thing we would most appreciate is X'. It's not a demand for a present. The choice as to whether or not you give one is still there! It's just information you can choose to use or ignore as you see fit.

Extremely sensible attitude. This pretence that people are not going to bring you presents to your own wedding is so false. Everyone knows people bring presents to a wedding. Of course they do! They always have done.

Also this

However, I think giving cash is eminently sensible as I've been arguing all thread and have no problem whatsoever with couples who suggest this in a polite manner.

Being offended takes so much energy as well. Makes me chuckle to think of you people sitting at a wedding seething with resentment at having chosen to accept the invitation. Why not just enjoy it?

social norm in this country for literally decades has been to give wedding gifts. So I just find it reallt weird and artificial to suggest that we should all pretend that isn't the case.

Why are you digressing? Not one person has tried to say it isn't the norm. Non argument.

But brass, you can't simultaneously say 'the norm in this country is to give gifts at a wedding' and 'it's rude for a bride and groom to expect gifts'. It makes no sense! Expecting a gift because it's a norm and offering help to people bringing gifts is NOT the same as expecting a gift because you're a spoiled brat who thinks they're entitled to one.

It’s not digressing. When everyone knows that some guests are likely to bring a gift along, that is very relevant context to giving a gift option to people attending weddings.

Well which one do you think I'm talking about?

It's equally nonsense to say there aren't any entitled judgey people who expect cash and gifts (of their choosing) who aren't rude mercenary brats. We know those people exist. Just because it's a norm doesn't make it ok to stand there with your palm out. It's vulgar.

There's a world of difference between - I'm getting married I expect guests may bring gifts how lovely and - I'm getting married people might bring me tat so here's my list (or cash story) instead so I don't have to deal with their tat.

Ever heard of being gracious?

@brassbrass but purely from your perspective, aren't you glad that you aren't spending your hard earned money on tat? I can't think of anything worse than spending money on a gift that the couple hate and either get rid of or store in a cupboard for 20 years. We aren't talking one birthday gift that you hate, we're talking about tens if not hundreds of people giving gifts. That is a LOT of tat for a couple to find space for. It must be better for all involved if the gifts are welcome, useful things?

I see a gift list or a request for cash as 'I'm getting married and some guests may bring gifts, how lovely. If those guests would like some guidance on what we would most appreciate, it's X.'

I don't think an indication of what gifts would be welcome negates the fact that gift giving Is still a choice. You aren't forced to bring something and you aren't forced to observe the couple's preferences if you do. It's just additional information for you to use or ignore as you like. When I got married we had a gift list but not everyone brought gifts and not everyone stuck to the list. That was fine! We were grateful to everyone who came regardless of whether they brought anything. But the list meant that if anyone didn't have a good idea of what they wanted to give, the list was right there.

I've never even once resented a gift list. I love knowing that I'm giving something welcome and that it's as easy as going on to a website and ordering online. The only wedding I found difficult was the one I have been to where no gift list information was provided because we were totally flying blind. It was my husband's cousins wedding and we barely knew the bride and groom so it was very difficult to think of what would be welcome!

I think you're entitled to give whatever you like at a wedding. Whether it's cash, a gift from the list or somthing you've thought of yourself it should be graciously accepted and warmly received by the bride and groom. But I think it's a bit unreasonable to view any suggestions from the couple as rude or grabby - it's not their fault if you view them as demands rather than suggestions.

As a guest I find it inconvenient to have to shop around for a present and far prefer some guidance. I don’t see it as grabby or demanding I bring a gift. I see it as pointless to make life difficult for everyone so we can dance round a reality that everyone knows in the spirit of being “gracious”.

I should add you don’t come across as being all that gracious in many of your posts.

It's all relative isn't it. By saying potentially hundreds of people giving you tat says more about you than anything else. Really at what wedding did that happen? The bride and groom got hundreds of gifts that were tat. It's an unlikely scenario used to justify the asking which is the bit some of us have an issue with.

Tat is just shorthand for 'things we don't want or need' that we have to store, give to charity and/or feel guilty about the waste of money of resources.

People have different opinions on what constitutes tat, which is why they don't generally want presents that have been chosen by other people.

And once we are all adults with our own money and houses, we buy items for the house as and when we need them. Now that people generally set up home and then get married, there is no longer a need for their friends and relatives to help them set up their first home. That ship has sailed and the wedding list of household items is for many an outdated tradition.

I don't like photo frames, 'thoughtful' shite from places like Not on the High Street, cushions, candles or ridiculously expensive versions where the standard variety is perfectly satisfactory (crockery, vases etc). I am perfectly happy with my plates and vase from Ikea.

In fact, I tried to be a grown up and bought Denby crockery in the Black Friday sale and it has turned out to be a huge waste of money, because after 6 months, they are all scratched and look different colours and look worse condition than my 15 year old Ikea plates where the whole set cost less than one Denby plate. I'm seriously considering asking for a refund.

I said tens if not hundreds. Hundreds would admittedly be rare, but not unheard of!

Tat is also a broad term that I think encompasses items the couple don't like or wouldn't use. Taste is so subjective - it's hard to know what is going to be unique and still something the couple would like.

Even a much more realistic scenario would be say, 80 guests. Accounting for couples, that's probably in the region of 50 gifts. Even if 80% of guests manage something that the couple love and no other guest thinks of, that still leaves 10 unwanted gifts. That's 10 items for the couple to store somewhere or donate to charity. That's likely hundreds of pounds of hard earned cash failing to deliver on its intended purpose.

Now in that situation the bride and groom should OF COURSE express their gratitude to every gifter and be warm and gracious about it, because the thought was kind and no one is entitled to a gift and to behave otherwise would be terribly rude. I'm not disputing that. But I still think it's just a better situation for everyone if every gift that is generously given is something welcome and wanted.

That's 10 items for the couple to store somewhere or donate to charity. That's likely hundreds of pounds of hard earned cash failing to deliver on its intended purpose.

Exactly this. The economics of this are so wasteful. I can't understand why anyone would champion it as a good system.

For my part I don’t refer to people’s gifts as “tat”. When we got married we got a wide variety of things and were grateful for all of them, even those we have no use for, and everyone got a detailed thank you card within a few weeks. This is because it is always kind and generous for anyone to give a gift.

I don’t see how it takes away from that to give someone a steer on what you might like as an option for them. I think most people put it as an option rather than on the basis they’ll be annoyed if people get them anything else. Lack of gratitude for a gift is rude but I don’t think suggesting cash or a gift list equates to being ungrateful for anything people buy or give you.

It's just something I couldn't put any effort into getting worked up over. I've bought gifts from lists and given cash. It makes no fucking difference to me if the couple want a fancy tapas dish or to get boozy on honeymoon, or to put cash towards a house, they've thought of me enough to invite me to a special day they can ask for whatever.

I think most people on here seem to be control freaks. You are an adult, someone gives you a present off your wedding list which you have chosen yourself (so there can be no duplicates or misunderstandings) Possibly if you have no mention of linen tablecloths on that list you might get one linen tablecloth from someone that values that sort of thing. Okay you didn't want a linen tablecloth but now you have one. You can a) sneer and say why would I want a linen cloth cluttering up my house, or you could b) say oh, never thought I would need one of those, but X (who I invited to my wedding because I like them and respect them) obviously does value this item cos he gave it to me, so I might possibly hang onto it and see whether it comes in useful. And then recycle it if necessary. If he wanted to give me money, or bought something off the wedding list surely he would have??? He chooses this, it is his optional/freely chosen gift and I should accept that.

It is different if you ask for a contribution, but you should be prepared for people to give fivers instead of homemade chutney or handembroidered teatowels, funky ladles, salt cellars. And people find a fiver humiliating to give.

Nettle the wedding gift that brings me daily joy is a plant which arrived in a wooden planter amongst other plants. It survived various replantings and a house move and still going strong in my garden today after 21 years. It's huge now and makes me smile and reminds me of the giver. Had we been the sort to produce gift lists it would never have occurred to us to add it as it wasn't on our radar.

ditto, when ds1 was christened someone sent him a dwarf fruit tree. It has survived all sorts of places in our garden (and at one point we even tried to throw it out, but six months without even any compost it hung on for dear life and threw out shoots in spring after a winter in the compost area ) I never would have chosen it, but there is it, 18 years later, someone's thought for him which I can put a name and face to.

I'm not a control freak, but we live in a small house and move for work frequeny. "things" are in 90% of cases clutter that complicate my life and cost me time to get rid off. I don't want them, I ask for no presents. We still get presents, and it is a pain. In the last 10 years, it all went to bin, charity shop or ebay. Some are still in the attic, and i need to make the time to get rid of them.
i respect people's wishes, so i give them what they ask for.
If you have a house with loads of storage and stay put for years, stuff might come in handy one day. it is unlikely though.
an optional, freely chosen gift that costs the recipient time and efford is NOT a gift if the giver knew it wasn't wanted (which is the case if you go off list and don't ask).

It's not at all about being a control freak. It's mostly just practical.

I don't think posters are engaging with the idea that many people nowadays live in tiny houses with little storage.

A good friend of mine recently got married. She lives in a minuscule, rented, 1 bed apartment in New York. For her wedding present I contributed to her honeymoon, which was what she politely requested, if people wanted to give a gift. I was delighted to do that.

To have given her a vase in these circumstances would have been idiotic.

For my part I don’t refer to people’s gifts as “tat”. When we got married we got a wide variety of things and were grateful for all of them, even those we have no use for, and everyone got a detailed thank you card within a few weeks.

Cor, you must be a really amazing person! Because no one who asked for had money as a gift EVER thanked the giver

She lives in a minuscule, rented, 1 bed apartment in New York.

Almost all NY'ers do. For us the funniest thing about watching TV shows set in NYC is the huge 2,000 square foot apartments the 20 somethings live in. Only in their dreams they could afford an apartment like that.

@hestershaw

Slightly odd reaction. If you read my posts I have actually been defending people asking for cash. You’ll also see I haven’t ever suggested they are ungrateful or haven’t thanked people (quite the opposite)

Specifically I was responding to a poster saying me referring to gifts as tat said more about me than anyone else, the same poster who implied I had never heard of being gracious. The rest of my post went on to say that I don’t think suggesting a preference for cash or a particular gift is ungrateful. Not sure what I did to prompt the sarcastic reaction.