To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

Oops sorry accidental post !

It's the poem and the expectation. I just think it's rude. If you want cash, have a smaller wedding.

I’m perfectly happy to give cash, hate it when there is no list or any clue!

I got married without any guests at all. Literally no-one, no family etc. People still sent us money and vouchers. Which was lovely but very unexpected and a bit awkward given we didn’t even have a party!

I've no idea. The invitation from my friend's daughter and her fiancee said 'If you DO wish to give us something, some money in a card would go towards furnishing our flat.' Seems sensible to me.

Much prefer to give money, know the couple can use it for something they actually want, rather than another toaster. Think everyone realises that weddings are expensive and the couple will have entertained/ fed/ watered the guests.

I'm happy to give money. With a gift list, you can struggle when there's no items left within budget. With money, the couple can buy what exactly it is that they need with minimal wastage.

We phrased it as going towards future home improvements. DH had set up home years earlier on a very limited budget and things and decor were approaching replacement stage. The year following marriage we did a huge amount of decorating. Pots of white gloss, sunshine yellow silk emulsion and paintbrushes didn't really fit on a gift list and we didn't know what we were going to need. We also bought a complete dinner set. This could have come from a department store, but we live a few miles from a factory shop and buying the seconds ourselves a few months later in the January sales was considerably better value than paying the mark up on full price, bit by bit on the High St. In reality a decade on, I'd be hard pressed to remember with gratitude who gave me the bowls, mugs or tea plates anyway.

What do Irish people without hundreds of euros to chuck around do? Give less and be banished to Craggy Island?

Well that’s fucking offensive.

"What's the problem? You give what you want to give."

But it's more obvious with money than with a non-cash gift. It puts pressure on those with lower incomes.

I’m another who doesn’t like giving cash - sorry. When we got married my DH and I used it as an opportunity to refresh what we had - right down to the towels. That way we felt people could contribute to put home as a married couple. The cost of our wedding and our honeymoon was our problem, no-one else’s.

In short, because it’s crass and greedy and deprives the giver of any joy from the transaction. It says “I want x and I want you to pay for it. I am not interested in a gift you might thoughtfully choose for me. I cannot be bothered with your feelings as the giver. I just want it.”

deprives the giver of any joy from the transaction

And here was me thinking a gift was...well, a gift. As in something for another person.

It's only frowned upon on MN. People in RL think nothing of it.

I've just had an invitation to a wedding from a work colleague who I'm not close with. It's for the evening reception: fine, but it's a three hour drive away in the arse end of nowhere
( nowhere near any of the wedding party either who, to a man Jack, live in London.)
The expectation is that everyone will happily shell out for a weekends accomodation/ travel for miles etc because this is a "dream wedding" ( for which read: very instagrammable).
The bride is currently shitting herself because the refusals are coming in droves and the pressure is now on the work colleague contingent to make up the numbers. She can't have an under attended wedding, you see because it will look sad on social media.
So yes, it is very much becoming the norm to have stupidly large weddings full of people you don't see from one end of the year to the next because " it will look great in the photos."
They've spent over £20K already and are planning a fuck off honeymoon.
They are asking for money instead of presents and although I will bung them some money in lieu of going, I'm not a monster the temptation to just shout "If you'd had the bastard thing where everyone- including you - live, you would have created so much more goodwill and had 50% more attendances!"

If you want a big party, have a big party. But don't try and underwrite some of the costs by getting your guests to fund it.

DP and I have a big summer party every year for about 80 guests. We feed and water everyone and I love doing it. The idea that I would ask people for £20 on their way in because " I need a break after the stress of the party planning" is fucking ludicrous.

Lots of big weddings are funded by the families of the couple, who go along with it to keep the peace, but try telling your mum that you don't care about having flowers but could really do with that £500 for a new boiler...
Other mums may be more reasonable.

As OH and & were older, had own house before, and had pretty much one of everything we needed between us, and were inviting well over 150 people - it just grew ( albeit a very DIY marquee in the garden affair, self catered so cost was truly minimal £4K so about the equivalent of £5 or 6K today) we said no presents but if people felt they wanted to contribute to a cancer charity (some one close had recently died) they could, or if they insisted on a present could they please thing of something not necessarily new but that meant something to them.
So in amongst the toaster and pairs of wine glasses we had some lovely things like framed photos they'd taken, things they'd made - onle lady was learning to make lace and made a lovely celebratory piece from scratch must have taken hours. We also had paintings, hand made pottery, and one family friend of my mother's sent a (not ragingly valuable, just pretty) family heirloom that my mother had used as a child. All things we now treasure & use.
We also had gifts from a florist friend of all our flowers (amazing!), transport including a coach from a couple that owned a coach company to ferry the guests to and from the venues (equally amazing), transport for bride and groom (amazing vehicles owned by friends), kids entertainments, a publican friend set up a bar and barrel of beer, a chuch friend organised the tea urns to appear, a friend did my hair and make-up (I made my dress for £75) & my dad a bit of a wine buff chose and paid for a lovely English sparkling wine. I hasten to add we didn't ask for these it was all offered.
All in all we had a perfect 'wedding preparation week' with half a dozen friends getting everything ready here, and a fab and very memorable wedding day. Even now, 20 years on, OH and I have a smug smile to ourselves when folk say 'Oh we went to x and y's wedding last month, of course it wasn't a patch on yours'

I did exactly that Monument. I had a really cheap wedding, that we funded, which meant that my folks could help us with the deposit for a house.

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

Completely agree with this, but I don’t like the way couples ask for cash on invites, they don’t need to in my experience.

Our wedding invites were completely silent on the subject of gifts. They vast majority of guests gave us cash or vouchers which was most most welcome! Similarly, I have always given cash as a wedding gift.

I personally don't see the need for anyone to request money. Its pretty much the norm for the majority to give money if there's no gift list. And it's still nice to receive some boxed gifts too.

I hate money poems.

But I'd always tend to give cash for a wedding as I think it's often the case that the couple buys bigger or more substantial things collectively.

This again. It's rude to send somebody an invitation and request money or no boxed gifts or anything of the sort. If people don't see why not then I pity them.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the fact traditional gifts are given to help a newlywed couple set up home together. To help them start their new life as a couple. If they are already living together and so don't want or need these 'traditional' things, I think it's quite rude to ask for money instead of.

Yeah and bride and grooms used to be virgins! Things change over time, vouchers, money etc are the modern gift.

A gift list is to make sure that the couple don't get multiple toasters and casseroles. I can see why they are provided but I think they can come off as grabby.

I think invitations should be polite and just ask for the guests company. 'Requests' for money only are rude as it assumes a gift is coming from the guest and that the guest has no taste to buy a decent one.

Guests at weddings should be close friends and family that know or can easily find out what you'd like if they choose to give something.

Totally agree with Ragwort and everyone else who's said it's crass and entitled.

I just don't get why anyone would EXPECT anything. Gifts or money are not something to be demanded or presumed, they're at the discretion of the giver. I also don't understand all these people who, upon receiving an invitation that states the couple don't want anything, start saying they can't turn up empty handed. If I got an invitation specificying no presents, I would turn up with nothing. If I got an invitation demanding money or including a list I would also turn up with nothing on a point of principle. If I got an invitation that made no mention of gifts, money, or contributions, I would feel far more inclined to make a financial or material gesture.

I think expecting gifts or asking for money on any occasion is ghastly and it would make me think less of a person. Except if it was fundraising/donating to charity. Surely being surrounded by people you like and enjoy the company of is more important - I'd never ask anything more of anyone than simply turning up to share the occasion with me

We genuinely didn't want anything other than people's company and stated as much on the invitation. Some took this as not to even bring a card (which tbh I did find a bit sad as I really appreciated the cards), but we did kindly receive some cash gifts regardless.

I know traditionally gifts were for the couple to set up home, but I think many necessary physical items are likely to be far cheaper nowadays anyway, and obviously it's far more common for couples to be living together before marriage.

We added the cash to our house deposit. I certainly hope those who gifted this think it's a worthwhile way to use the cash, and I hope one day we will be able to finally escape renting with it! I would class this as helping us to set up a 'proper' home. Maybe we're not the only ones who have done this?