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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to come out?

302 replies

Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 12:55

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... Hmm).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 13:25

Anyone? Sad

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 02/05/2018 13:28

What’s the point in coming out? Like what would it achieve?

Your married to a man so 🤷🏻‍♀️ Unless you intend to end your marriage and move in with a women the fact you are bi or had relationships with women in the past is not relevant imo

checkingforballoons · 02/05/2018 13:29

I don’t think you are keeping it a secret though, it’s just that no one else needs to know. If you really think about it I bet there’s loads of things about you that certain people don’t know, purely because they don’t need to know, or it’s personal, or it’s just never come up in conversation.
I’m also bi, also married to a man and have never ‘come out’ as such. Some people know but I can’t think of a reason for announcing it to everyone Grin

acquiescence · 02/05/2018 13:30

Up to you. I would find it pretty weird to talk to my family and friends about my past relationships now I am married. I would not like it if my husband wanted to talk about his past relationships with his family.

If you’re in a committed relationship now I’m not sure why you need to talk to other people about your sexual preferences that you are not currently acting on. If you do wish to act on them, it is surely a private matter between you and your husband.

Vthirtyone · 02/05/2018 13:30

Is it anyone's business though? I assume if you come out that friends and family are going to assume your marriage is ending?
I am married to a man and I also fancy women (bi I suppose although never been interested in labelling it)
Why is it relevant to tell people? What will it change for you or for them?
You sound quite anxious about it

KirstenRaymonde · 02/05/2018 13:31

You’re married to a man so you’re not going to be acting on it, I really don’t see any reason to come out, especially if doing so could make things tricky. What would be the point?

Nikephorus · 02/05/2018 13:32

Your married to a man so 🤷🏻‍♀️ Unless you intend to end your marriage and move in with a women the fact you are bi or had relationships with women in the past is not relevant imo
This ^^. Given that you're now going to only have sex with a man it doesn't matter what you did before. If it ever comes up you could say that technically you're bisexual but I wouldn't announce it for the sake of it because people will then wonder if your marriage is on the rocks.

AmazingPostVoices · 02/05/2018 13:32

I think that people might be confused about why you are announcing this now when you are married.

I think that it likely they would take it as a sign that there were problems in the marriage.

After all, you’re married so who you have fancied in the past is now irrelevant.

I’m not saying that you should hide things from your parents but it seems like quite a lot of drama to tell your homophobic in laws out of the blue.

I could see if it had come up in the course of a conversation about their homophobia but it would seem a bit odd to formally sit them down to tell them otherwise.

FilledSoda · 02/05/2018 13:32

People don't care , it's none of their business.

BrutusMcDogface · 02/05/2018 13:33

I agree that if you're happily married to a man, there's no point in telling anyone that youre bi. Presumably you've met the "one", who just happens to be male, so actually the fact that you're bi is pretty irrelevant.

Karigan1 · 02/05/2018 13:33

Uh why? You’re married to a man. Are you happy? If so then why even open that can of worms. People don’t just suddenly announce that they have a love of feet or like to be tied up whilst having sex unless there’s a reason to do so. Your sex life and preferences is your own business. I could understand if you thought you might be bringing home a woman some time soon but unless your marriage is failing, and bringing home a woman is a possibility, you’ve chosen a man for life and that’s not going to happen.

Personally if you decided to announce that to me in your current married situation I’d think you were attention seeking.

If it’s support for the bi community you wish to express then share the rainbow flags, make it clear you support love of all types (legal and that doesnt hurt anyone) and show support in other ways

BeyondParody · 02/05/2018 13:35

I don't think it needs a big announcement, if it comes up in conversation that would be different. Your dh knows, that's the important bit

dudsville · 02/05/2018 13:36

When you say identity, do you mean the aspect of how you are perceived by others that you feel you can control to some extent by sharing things about yourself? If so then I could see how one might feel they were living a half truth. I think it would be easy to rectify in casual conversation, when it touches on the subject, as opposed to a grand statement, and the more you do that the more in line you might feel with your self.

BeyondParody · 02/05/2018 13:37

I do get what you mean, being "hetero-passing" does make you feel invisible. But it will be seen as attention seeking if you make a big announcement

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 02/05/2018 13:38

I came out as bi a couple of years back even though I was (and still am) married to a man. It was less about everyone else knowing and more about being true to who I am. I could then join groups on Facebook, share posts etc without worrying about "outing" myself as I was then already out. I'm not out at work because their's no need for me to be. But I wouldn't deliberately hide it if the topic came up.

It's about visibility, showing that not all different-sex couples are straight. Bi-erasure is a massive thing because as a woman you are automatically assumed straight if you are with a guy even if you previously had same-sex relationships. It's passed off as a phase.

You are right, you don't have to tell anyone you think would cause a problem. I phoned my mum then posted on Facebook just saying that I was comfortable in myself and that I was bi. For the most part it's not even a topic of conversation but I feel so much better if I like pictures or make comments on bi-specific issues.

Do what feels right for you. There is no correct way to be out.

MissionItsPossible · 02/05/2018 13:39

Can't believe I am about to say this but in your scenario, no, I don't think you should come out. It's pointless.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 13:39

I think it's a bit weird that some of you are comparing being bi to things like liking to be tied up. One is your sexuality, an essential part of your identity, the other is a preference for a particular activity. Not the same thing at all!!

That said it does seem like it would be met with confusion and hostility which is what I specifically want to avoid, so it looks like it's probably best not to say anything and therefore not rock the boat!

OP posts:
jaseyraex · 02/05/2018 13:39

Is it important to you that your family knows this about you now? I think in the scenario of your marriage ending and then you potentially starting a relationship with a woman then yeah, I'd tell them then.
My husband is bi. His mum and dad don't know but pretty much everyone else does, but they weren't the sort of family that discussed relationships and things so they were none the wiser when he had boyfriends or girlfriends. I think it's a very personal decision.
You're in a happy and settled marriage so in theory there's no reason for you to bring it up now, it's your own business. However if you do feel like you're keeping some sort of secret or that your family might be hurt that you never told them before then I'd tell them.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 13:41

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup I totally agree about bi-erasure. So many people think that a bi woman married to a man stops being bi. But it's not like I just switched off that part of me when I got married. And I definitely understand your point about fear of outing yourself if you are interested in or supportive causes etc because I have that fear too

OP posts:
puglife15 · 02/05/2018 13:41

You're not a coward - it's your business alone to share or not as you like.

I do agree with others though that it could be seen as a slight on your husband (especially by people who are homophobic) if you come out to your in laws, unless it's in context.

Also you say the thought of telling your parents fills you with anxiety so not sure why you really want to given you are now presumably committed to one sexual partner?

Poppins2016 · 02/05/2018 13:43

I think I would view it as 'need to know basis only' information... If someone asks, tell. If not, no need to announce...

But having said that, I'm not in your boat and I don't know how much it impacts your identity.

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

I think the above paragraph is worth exploring... Do you feel as though you've lost your identity on other ways? Why do you feel your choice is cowardly?

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 13:47

@Poppins2016 it feels cowardly because I feel like I'm contributing to bi-erasure by basically 'pretending' to be straight when I'm not. There's a lot of misunderstanding and misinformation about bisexuals and I feel like people in my situation maybe contribute to that. It feels like an important part of my identity to me because it has shaped my moral and political beliefs in lots of ways, and has influenced my interests and behaviour. I feel that way less now that I'm not hiding actual relationships from my family like I did at uni, but the feeling is still there.

OP posts:
puglife15 · 02/05/2018 13:48

In your case I probably wouldn't hide that part of my identity, but I wouldn't go out of my way to declare it to family especially DHs. I can see what you mean about it being part of who you are.

SmashedMug · 02/05/2018 13:49

I think you are a bit off saying it would be cowardly to keep it a secret etc but if sharing that fact about yourself would make you feel more happy, then share it. People might be a bit confused by the timing of it though because you are settled down with a man and they might express that confusion in a negative way.

I don't really get the whole coming out thing in general though and I say that as someone who isn't straight. Do you need a big announcement? Will other people knowing who you are sexually attracted to improve your life in any way? It's a tough one.

PsychedelicSheep · 02/05/2018 13:51

I don’t agree that it’s ‘pointless’ to come out.

Prejudice is challenged by actively knowing people who are gay/bi/trans/black/foreign/a refugee etc.

If people have a set idea about what ‘those people’ are like and don’t actually know anyone who makes them question those fixed beliefs then they don’t let go of them.

Only by being open about who or what we are to others