To want to come out?

[Sosososcandalous]

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... ).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

@MyOtherUsernameisaPun perhaps some gay people are prejudice against bisexuals. But your previous comment was suggesting that all of those who have said that the OP is a drama queen/attention seeker are actually homophobic and/or intolerant of bisexuality. Speaking as a bisexual woman who's now married to a man, I don't believe this is true. I think perhaps many of us are just intolerant of attention-seeking drama queens...

*prejudiced

I am not sure what it would achieve. Why does there need to be a formal declaration of your sexuality at all? Why anticipate drama over something that hasn't happened? It is no one else's business except yours.

When my mate came out as gay to her Dad after dating blokes for 7 years, her dad just said, "whaddaya want? A medal and a parade with trombones?" I

I kinda feel the same way. Why does everything have to have a label?

I don't think OP wants to have a formal declaration of her sexuality. She's just wondering whether to share it with her family. She also feels a responsibility to 'come out' and combat bisexual erasure. Many of the comments on this thread have made me realise how important this is. Did anybody else know that Malcolm X AND Whitney Houston were bisexual? That's bisexual erasure. People aren't happy being open about it- why is that?

I think OP should tell the people she trusts and not worry about the in-laws. Who knows maybe if they find out it will change there minds? This thread has made some people re-think their assumptions. People are much kinder than we give them credit for.

Gorgon I think it is biphobic to say that coming out is attention seeking and being a drama queen. I would perhaps understand your point if we were discussing throwing a parade and making a speech to the world, but what's actually being suggested here is having a simple and quiet conversation with close family.

To call that attention seeking is tantamount to saying 'it's better if you hide your sexuality because it's more comfortable for everybody else'. Its asking bisexuals to stay in the closet if it's at all possible, and calling them attention seeking if they don't. That is biohobia! And whether it comes from straight, gay or other bisexual people doesn't change that fact.

Lots and lots of reasons for why a person might want to come out are given on this thread, from several different people. It's been a very open and honest conversation in itself. Why don't you re-read it and see if you can understand why it would be something a person wants to do, rather than just writing it off as attention seeking.

Well Whitney Houston and Malcom X both lived in very tight knit and homophobic communities, it’s the homosexual side of bisexuality that they needed to keep hidden. It’s less ‘bi erasure’ and more homosexual relationships are not accepted.

The thing about identities is that they are very interesting to yourself but not that much to other people.
I think it’s unfair to say that everyone who is saying that other people won’t be that interested are biphobic, as I just think people aren’t that interested in other people’s ‘identites’ unless they are very close to them.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t come out, but if you’re in a heterosexual marraige and are going to stay in it forever don’t be surprised if people are a bit at you coming out as bisexual to your in laws. I think you’ll get a lot of ‘that’s nice dear’ responses, and I don’t think it’ll be due to ‘biphobia’.

Teacup surely if you came out and everyone's reaction was 'that's nice dear' that would be great? Isn't that exactly what a person who comes out wants - to be totally accepted? That wouldn't be remotely biphobic.

What is biphobic is saying 'nobody cares about your identity so keep it hidden because it makes life easier'. Asking people to stay closeted for the sake of others is automatically biphobic in my opinion because true acceptance of all sexual orientations includes accepting that people want to live openly and honestly and should be supported in doing so.

But some people will be uncomfortable not because they are biphobic but because they just don’t want to have a chat about a relatives past or hypothetical potential romantic partners.
My mil for example isn’t homophobic in the slightest but I think she’d rather stick pins in her eyes than have a chat about my sexual orientation, not because she’s phobic anything but because she’s just a private person and we don’t have that type of relationship.

My family on the other hand know everything about everyone and it would be weird not to tell them.

The people OP are suggesting coming out to seem like people she wouldn’t normally have open frank conversations about sexuality with, they just don’t seem to have that relationship.

I don’t think people are saying don’t tell them because it would make them uncomfortable to think of you being bisexual, I think people are saying don’t tell them because it would make them uncomfortable to have any conversation at all like that.

OP has mainly talked about coming out to her parents though. I agree the in laws might be a different kettle of fish if they are homophobic but if you read the full thread the parents have definitely been the focus. So accusations of attention seeking just seem really unfair.

MyOtherUsername I'm bisexual. I'm also married to a man.

I also have an honest and frank relationship with my parents. And with my in-laws.

None are homophobic.

My BIL is gay and has been with his partner for many years, they are absolutely treated the same as a couple within the family as me and my husband.

My in laws helped them out with a house purchase just like they did for us.

My kids have two uncles (BIL and his partner) and there has never been the slightest issue over them understanding that they are a couple just like my husband and I are.

I mention all this to give context to what I am saying. We are the least biphobic or homophobic family imaginable.

If I were to go to my parents or my in-laws and say "I'm bisexual" - firstly, I can barely imagine saying it to my father or my FIL, because it would be effectively talking to them about my sex life and sexual desire, something I have no wish to do.

If I went to my mother or MIL and said "I'm bisexual", they would both (a) think that I was about to tell them that I was leaving my husband, (b) if I said I wasn't, think I was having a weird mental blip, and (c) try to understand what I was 'really' trying to tell them.

They would have exactly the same reaction if my BIL, who is gay, said the same thing. i actually know (as do his parents) that he had relationships with women before he got together with his partner, so in fact he is bisexual, to some extent. But he's been with his partner for over ten years, so in practice he's gay - just as in practice, I'm straight - and so is the OP.

If he told me he was bisexual, I would wonder why on earth he was saying it, and would assume he was leading up to splitting up from his partner - or perhaps introducing another, polyamorous partner into the family?

absolutely none of this is due to 'biphobia'. None of us care about the sex of each other's partners - but equally, as adults in long-term relationships, none of us feel the need to talk to other people in the family about the exact nature of our intimate sexual desires.

You don't seem to understand. I have read the entire thread. It would just be weird and inappropriate and that's why people are responding the way they are. You should really think a bit more before accusing people of being prejudiced.

precisely, Gorgo. Excellently well put.

Its not biphobia its "relatives talking to you about their sex lives for no reason-phobia" which I think you'll find is pretty universal!

Doug - It baffles me that you think this is a discussion about sex lives. 'Mum and dad, I'm bisexual.' Please point out exactly where intimate details of your sex life come in to that statement? Unless the parents start asking weird and explicit questions, in which case they're the ones with the problem, not the person coming out. Every single comment you've made on this thread has just reinforced my view that you think bisexuals in relationships with people of a different gender to themselves should stay closeted because it makes life comfortable for other people. That's your opinion and you're entitled to it but I think it's fundamentally unsupportive of bisexuals. You're dressing up your discomfort by saying sexuality is boring and irrelevant and therefore not even worth mentioning, but the truth is if you were truly comfortable with it you would have no problem with bisexuals coming out and you certainly wouldn't be discouraging them on threads like these because you cant seem to separate bisexuality as an aspect of identity from your idea that it's somehow seedy or titilating to even mention it.

Gorgon - it's fundamentally wrong to say bisexual people are gay or straight in practice depending on the gender of their partner. THAT IS BI-ERASURE. Bisexuals have the same sexuality regardless of who they are romantically involved with at any one time.

It baffles me that you think it isn't, and that you can't understand that your parents would also think that if you started telling them about your sexuality while married!

Im totally baffled why you would want to tell your parents that you also fancy women. What's it got to do with them.

MyOther I am talking about MYSELF. Are you telling me I'm not allowed to call myself what I want to?

I am bisexual, I've had sexual relationships with women. But I haven't had sex with anyone except my husband for ten years. In practice, I'm straight - and it would be co-opting LGB discourse for me to claim any special insight that comes from being theoretically/historically bisexual.

Oh but Gorgon, do allow some internet random to explain to you how you are erasing yourself and prejudiced against yourself, after all, they know so much more about you than you do!

@GorgonLondon what you call yourself is your own business, but when you suggest that your choices ought to be applied to others, you open yourself to criticism. I don't care if you consider yourself 'straight in practice' but I don't think you have any right to say the same is true of OP or any other bisexual if that isn't reflective of how they feel. OP's posts make it clear that this is part of who she is and that she doesn't consider herself to be straight just because her chosen partner happens to be a man. Just because that isn't how you feel doesn't mean you can say to her 'you're straight in practice so what's the point?'.

Doug - if you really are so accepting and you really don't think sexuality is a big deal, why have you expended so much energy on telling OP not to come out? You're acting as though you personally lose something by this and it's really odd.

I'm not at all actually, and its really odd that you would think such a very very odd thing. Also, flattering and all but why pick my posts out when there are so many others saying the exact same thing? How odd is that?

I'm responding to you now because you're still active in the thread. I've also responded to many others in earlier posts

I think you should re-read your posts and consider how strongly you're encouraging OP not to come out and then wonder why that is. It does seem like you're very invested in bisexuals not coming out and I find that strange.

It may seem like that to you, but as we can see you have some very odd ideas, so we can easily disregard it.

The person who thinks telling your parents you're bisexual is akin to giving them a blow by blow account of every detail of their sex life to date thinks I'M the one with strange ideas. I hope you don't mind that I'm probably not going to lose sleep over that.

Here is my final two cents on the matter. I think you're uncomfortable about bisexuality. And I think you don't want to admit that, so you've tried to dress up that discomfort by pretending that coming out is unnecessary, that it would be so tedious and irrelevant to others that being open about it is just attention seeking, that it's simultaneously something a person's parents would be disinterested in but also horrified by, because you think it means talking intimately about sex. You have a lot of reasons, many of them contradictory, and I think it's all just white noise to cover the fact that you think life is more comfortable for everybody if bisexuals pretend to be straight. And even though you'll huff and puff and tell me I'm wrong, deep down you'll know that your exhortations to OP that she should stay in the closet say a lot more about your prejudices than they do about her situation.

I don't think that and never said I did.

And despite you thinking an awful lot about me, you couldn't be more wrong. Also, you know nothing about how families work.

The way the OP talked about her parents being ‘'sheltered' insinuated that they don’t really have the kind of relationship where they talk about that kind of thing.

OP asked whether given her particular circumstances do people think it be worth telling her family, and people answered. It’s not really fair to get upset that people didn’t give the same answer that you wanted.
I’m sure if she had started a thread saying ‘I’m going to come out, wish me luck!’ She would have got totally different responses.

The reason it seems like attention-seeking is that OP is in a longterm monogamous relationship, and is not planning to make any changes. So why does she need to tell her family about her 'true identity' all of a sudden? The most likely result is that it will worry them because they will think that she's preparing the way to tell them she's leaving her husband for a woman.
As several PP have said, people's 'identities' are a lot less interesting to others than the people who are very invested in their 'identities' (rather than just getting on with their lives) seem to think.

I'm a bit bi, I have slept with and had feelings for both men and women. I'm now in a heterosexual relationship.

None of my sexual or romantic feelings really impact my day to day life and I don't really understand why my preference is anyone else's business. I would think this was a bit of an attention seeking 'look how unique I am' move personally