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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to come out?

302 replies

Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 12:55

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... Hmm).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Joanna57 · 02/05/2018 15:47

I'd be highly amused and a bit wary if a family member suddenly decided to declare that they were gay, especially if they were married.

For one, I'd wonder what they thought they would be achieving by telling me about their sexual preferences......and why they would actually think that I'd give a damn.

I'd think that they were an attention seeking, insecure, drama queen.

I can imagine that it would be a talking point at every family gathering, discussed in great deal, with some believing it and other's just truly disbelieving it and calling out MH issues.

Just keep your private life, well, private.

Nobody else actually cares.

JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 15:47

Sososo - as opposed to making assumptions about family members you mean? In terms of whether they want to hear about your angst over your sexuality?

BrendasUmbrella · 02/05/2018 15:49

If it's about wanting to share your past, including talking about past relationships, that I can get. And it shouldn't have to difficult "So-and-so had a baby, do you remember her? I went out with her for a while at uni." "Oh, do you like women as well as men?" "Yes." "Oh right."

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 15:50

@RomeoBunny I don't believe you can truly think those things are the same. You know they aren't. And you know that when most people come out to their families it involves no discussion of genitals, preferred positions, fetishes or any other raft of irrelevant things that have nothing to do with your sexual orientation.

@Troels I don't know where you got the idea that I don't think cheating is wrong but it certainly can't have been from anything I said. I would never cheat and bisexuals are no more likely to cheat than any other person.

OP posts:
RomeoBunny · 02/05/2018 15:51

OP my point is that your preference is just as irrelevant. Why do you feel it defines you in some way? It really doesn't. And if it does then you need to get a hobby.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 15:52

@JiminyBillyBob your gross comment about strapons has shown the kind of person you really are so I don't think there's any need for me to respond to you further.

OP posts:
FloraFox · 02/05/2018 15:57

I don't have a strong view on whether you should come out but this as an example of biphobia is ridiculous:

I've also had instances of chatting with another girl in a bar, flirting and getting along well, and then being asked if I'm lesbian or bi - when they heard I was queer and like men and women, they ended the conversation.

It's not phobic anything for another person to define their own sexuality. If that means they only want to have sex with lesbians, that's up to them. I probably wouldn't want to have a relationship with a bisexual man (irrelevant, been married forever) and I don't feel any obligation to justify that to anybody. Choice of sexual partners is not the battlefield for "inclusivity" - in fact, women's ability to exclude sexual partners is pretty core to women's rights IMO.

Sorry for the derail.

JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 15:59

See, if you’d said your parents were modern-thinking, open-minded, right-on types then fine. I mean they still probably wouldn’t be that interested but yeah I’d have said crack on (no pun intended).

Or if you were in a relationship with a woman and keeping it from your parents would involve lies and deception.

But no. They’re sheltered. Ie probably a bit prudey? Would find it very uncomfortable to discuss anyone’s sex life, let alone their daughters, let ALONE their married daughter suddenly feeling the need to announce she fancies women.

Selfish.

hungryhungryhippo8 · 02/05/2018 16:00

I'm also bi and married and not many people know I'm bi. My husband does but he chooses to ignore it.

I don't see what it would achieve to come out, unless you want some drama in your life.

JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 16:01

Gross? Really? Lots of people enjoy them you know.
Maybe deep down you’re not as scandalous as you like to imagine 😏

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 16:02

Surely sexual orientation only matters if you are experiencing some kind of oppression or hardship because of it. In an ideal world it wouldn’t matter at all who anyone fancied but because people in a homosexual relationship still have a long way to go before they are considered the same by many in society as a heterosexual relationship then we need to keep naming them and fighting for them.

Other than that it only really matters to who you sleep with.

Juells · 02/05/2018 16:03

I've seen very good explanations for why lesbians don't want to get involved with bisexual women. They're entitled to choose who they have sex with, they're not biphobic if they don't want to have sex with you and they're not transphobic if they don't want to have sex with transwomen. Jesus H Christ, everyone and his granny seems to want to attack lesbians for having the cheek to want to choose their own sexual partners like everyone else does.

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 16:03

Agree flora

DougFargo · 02/05/2018 16:03

I don't understand it at all, "coming out" as bisexual while you're already married to someone, male or female, just smacks of attention seeking nonsense.

elderflowerandrose · 02/05/2018 16:06

It is only important to tell other people if in fact it is not already obvious to them and others that you can fall in love with anyone. There are shades of bisexuality in everyone.

My own view, why do you think anyone cares that much?

I certainly wouldn't.

If my cousin or whatever came out with this, it would be met with a degree of indifference. I have to be frank when I say that I don't think your sexual preferences is in any way relevant to your dh's family etc.

You would only be doing the bi movement a service by publicly coming out if you thought that you were convincing others who did not agree that it is perfectly fine to be bi and married to a man. Almost certainly they will be fine with it (after the initial surprise) so what it is the point? They, like most people probably think it is none of their business, and it really isn't and will wonder why you think it is important (and jump to incorrect conclusion that you may be leading up to a bigger annoucnement).

You are still you, whatever gf or bf you had in the past, and they are only really interested in the you that exists today.

DougFargo · 02/05/2018 16:07

I totally agree about bi-erasure. So many people think that a bi woman married to a man stops being bi

thats not it. Its just that nobody cares. Its that simple. Nobody cares that you think its a "large part of your identity" that you used to have sex with women. Its cringey and way tmi. Would be the exact same if you were a lesbian married to a woman and wanted to talk to everyone about how you used to fuck men.
Its not bi-erasure, its "attention seeking childishness erasure".

ThisisSparta · 02/05/2018 16:07

FloraFox I couldn’t ageee more with your post!

OP honestly this does all seem a bit navel-gazing, like you need a reason to have a cause.
A pp made a brilliant comment about how you don’t need to be a member of an oppressed group to stand up to bigotry/intolerance, if family members are being homophobic then explain it makes you uncomfortable because it’s a shit thing for them to do.

Honestly I don’t get all this ‘being your authentic self’, just be you, your sexuality doesnt define who you are it is part of who you are.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 16:09

@Juells I think any person, male or female, has an absolute right to choose who they want to sleep with for any reason at all and nothing should affect that.

I think the biphobic part is ruling out bisexual woman as a group purely because they are bisexual. Saying 'I will never sleep with a bisexual woman because they'll mess me around' is different to saying 'I don't want to sleep with this particular bisexual woman because I think she'll mess me around'. But that said I think it's important not to police anyone's choices about who they do and don't want to sleek with.

OP posts:
Ticketsfrom · 02/05/2018 16:11

I have a couple of Bi friends, currently with men, and although they are 'out' for the most part having had girlfriends they do struggle with everyone assuming they're 'straight' when they're absolutely not. Of course you should tell your family/friends if you want to, otherwise you're closing off part of yourself, and you're experiences/history with previous girlfriends. One of my friends came out as bi because she was tired of pretending her ex girlfriend that she travelled the world with was just a 'gal pal' she was denying part of herself and hated it.
She now goes to Pride, out as bi, with her husband as that's part of who she is. He's fine with it because he knows that she's committed to him but this is part of who she is. It's up to you about how much of deal you want to make of it. You should chat to the lovely folk at the LGBT switchline if you want some none judgy, not-straight people to chat with about your feelings.

GorgonLondon · 02/05/2018 16:12

If you're not intending on having an affair or leaving your husband for a new partner (who may or may not be female), then what is the point of this?

You can call out bigotry and prejudice if and when you hear it.

But this just seems like a very teenage, attention-seeking, futile thing to do.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 16:13

@DougFargo it isn't actually about sex, although from some of the comments on this thread you'd think I was suggesting giving my parents a power point presentation of every single shag I've had in my life Hmm it's not really my fault that so many on here can't understand that it really has nothing to do with who I have or haven't had sex with.

@ThisisSparta exactly - your sexuality is a part of who you are, and keeping part of who you are hidden from those you love isn't a great feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 16:14

@Ticketsfrom thank you, that's really helpful advice ❤️

OP posts:
DougFargo · 02/05/2018 16:14

I think the biphobic part is ruling out bisexual woman as a group purely because they are bisexual

Thats not biphobic, and its unfair of you to suggest it is. If a lesbian doesn;t want to sleep with women who also sleep with men, thats not biphobic, thats her choice. You dont get to tell her thats not ok.
Don't throw about -phobic words, especially from your position of privilege.

DougFargo · 02/05/2018 16:15

it's not really my fault that so many on here can't understand that it really has nothing to do with who I have or haven't had sex with

Its your fault that you can't understand that thats exactly what it is!

Juells · 02/05/2018 16:18

There are shades of bisexuality in everyone.

Absolutely not true. It may be true for some people, it may be true for a lot of people, but I'm not in the slightest bit bisexual, I'm heterosexual. Do you think most lesbians are bisexual? Or most gay men? I'd hazard a guess that their sexual preferences are firmly fixed, just like mine are.

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