To want to come out?

[Sosososcandalous]

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... ).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

What would be the point? I say that as someone in pretty much the same boat as you; bisexual, long-term heterosexual relationship.

I can't fathom why you'd want to. Is it actually relevant to your relationship right now?

I'm just imagining a general feeling of '...and?' from those you tell.

Like someone gathering friends and family to tell them they really are quite attracted to Benedict Cumberbatch, but they have no intention of starting a relationship with him, they just thought they ought to know.

If you feel as though you're hiding it or deliberately not mentioning your relationships with women in the past, when it's relevant, definitely stop doing that.

What;s all this shite about "identity as a bi person" anyway? Aren't we past all that? Your identity is just you, whatever makes you you. Its not reliant on your sexuality or religion or culture, or its all of those things but not in a way that means saying "I'm bi" means anything at all. Sexuality doesn't define you. Your family knows who you are and telling them this doesn't add anything at all to knowing you or about you.

If you want to say it, then say it. But its nonsensical and be ready for bemused expressions and everyone wondering why the hell you brought it up, and being suspicious of your relationship.