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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to come out?

302 replies

Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 12:55

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... Hmm).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
TwittleBee · 02/05/2018 14:59

OP I could have written your post, apart from the fact the PiL are homophobic. I do understand how you feel Flowers It is a strange one.

Singlenotsingle · 02/05/2018 14:59

It's personal, it's private. You might hurt your dh by openly discussing your sexual preferences, and just leave yourself open to disapproval and gossip by the wider family. Why would you do that? For no reason at all that I can see.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/05/2018 15:01

I'm another one not fussed about 'coming out.' I think too many people are too keen on the idea of being 'honest' about themselves when what they mean is oversharing - other people quite often really don't care about your sexuality/sexual orientation. And coming out certainly can be, or can be percieved as, tiresome attention-seeking when it's not directly relevant (ie you want your family/workmates to know that you are ending your current relationship or something else really major).

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 15:02

@Teatogo I guess my point is that as a straight person you don't need to make that announcement because everyone else is already assuming it to be the case. If on the other hand everyone was somehow labouring under the misapprehension that, despite you being married to a man, you actually weren't straight, you might feel the need to correct them, rather than have then all assume something which isn't true. I know that isn't a perfect comparison but it might put my feelings into perspective a bit!

I've not really said anywhere that I'm planning a big song and dance - only that I want to talk to my parents about it. In any case I have discussed it with my husband and he is supportive of me whatever I decide. He doesn't consider it disrespectful that I want to talk about it because he knows I'm bi and has no issue with it, and knows that it's an important part of the person he chose to marry. Unless being bisexual is inherently disrespectful to marriage (which I don't accept is true), I don't see how it's disrespectful to let people know this about me. Being married doesn't mean I should have to hide who I am.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 02/05/2018 15:02

Also, you can have a discussion about prejudice or misinformation (eg someone says, Bisexuals are all greedy, selfish sluts who can't commit; you can say, that isn't true, Studies Have Shown etc - have a bit of a Google so you've got some references handy) without having to make it all about you.

JessicaJonesJacket · 02/05/2018 15:05

Two members of my extended family are bi. Neither did a big 'coming out' announcement. It just came out casually in conversations eg 'I'm dating x' or 'I'm now seeing y'. The general reaction was disinterest tbh.

ime family only tend to be interested in your dating choices in how they relate to other people ie who they see you with. Since you're married, most people will expect your coming out to mean you're changing partner.

The person equally impacted by your 'coming out' is your DH. So I would take on board what he thinks and feels rather than what strangers on MN think. He's going to be fielding lots of questions about why you've made this announcement now; whether you're leaving him; whether it means you now have an open marriage. And if those questions seem intrusive, it's because they are but they're also understandable because you're making your sexuality a topic for discussion.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 15:07

@Singlenotsingle it wouldn't hurt my DH. He is the most supportive person and he's made it very clear that while it is totally my choice, he has no problem with me being open about it because he understands that it's part of me and he loves me for who I am entirely.

@ReanimatedSGB I think it's easy to see it as oversharing when it's something you don't have to do because people have already done the work of correctly making assumptions. If people had made the wrong assumptions about you, I think you might feel like you'd like to correct them and not have it just seen as attention seeking.

OP posts:
Pebble21uk · 02/05/2018 15:08

I once worked with a woman who was happily married with a child and self-id'd as bisexual.
She was always keen to let people know this and wore a range of rainbow accessories with great regularity.
It all just seemed very rendundant to me. A bit attention seeking / a bit trying to be cool.
At the end of the day she could still have any political / moral stance she liked without needing to tell everyone she's bisexual. Political and moral stances are not linked to sexuality. She had a heterosexual marriage and the heterosexual privilege which goes with that ...and a heterosexual future. I just didn't see the need.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 15:09

@JessicaJonesJacket I do understand that. It's just frustrating to me that I feel unable to be open because other people's prejudices might make things difficult for my husband. But you're right that it is certainly a consideration Sad

OP posts:
1Wanda1 · 02/05/2018 15:09

I can understand you wanting to feel "understood", OP, but the problem with coming out as bi now is that people are likely to wonder why you are doing it, given that you are happily married. You wouldn't feel the need to suddenly announce that you also feel sexually attracted to men who are not your husband, so why does it make a difference if you have thoughts about women?

I'm a woman who is married to a woman. Previously I was married to a man. I didn't see any need to tell my friends and family that I liked women sexually/romantically, until I met a woman I wanted to be in a relationship with. I was in my 30s at the time. I think perhaps I would have felt more need to tell my family if I had been younger, but once you are well established as an adult, I don't think your sexual predelictions are (a) anyone else's business or (b) very interesting to most people!

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 15:11

@1Wanda1 do you really think my parents would find it totally boring and irrelevant? I may well be overthinking this because it feels so important to me. I'm certainly not expecting anyone's life to be turned upside down, but I do worry that it will change the way they have been used to seeing me

OP posts:
RomeoBunny · 02/05/2018 15:11

Why anyone feels the need to 'come out' like it's some life affirming event is beyond me.

No one cares. Just live your life.

JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 15:12

I think you need to examine why it’s so important to you to share with people to whom it is completely irrelevant.

Your

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 15:15

@RomeoBunny do you mind me asking if you're straight? If so I think it's probably hard for you to understand why people feel the need to come out because straight people don't have to.

I also don't think there is any difference between living your life and coming out. Coming out doesn't necessarily mean making an announcement - it could be living authentically, introducing people to your same sex partner etc. But the truth is a lot of people feel unable to do this because they fear the reaction of others (and this fear is often justified).

You either come out (by telling others or by living in a way which shows them who you are) or you hide your identity and keep part of yourself secret. That's really the choice I'm facing here. And for me coming out has to be in the form of telling people, because I'm not going to have a female partner again.

OP posts:
JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 15:16

.....posted too soon.....

..... your remark about “biphobia” along with your eagerness to blather about your sexuality makes me suspect you just rather like the idea of having a “cause” to get your teeth into.

Do you have any hobbies?

brownmouse · 02/05/2018 15:16

Never understood this at all. Don't understand "bi-pride" really. I've had relationships with men and women. I've never made a secret of it.

The only people who have really cared are my DCs because they think it is cool. Hmm.

I don't think these labels are helpful and in a way they seem to me to reassert barriers and "otherness" that is more divisive than anything else. I don't see myself as a member of some sort of bisexual tribe in a war against biphobia. Hmm

RomeoBunny · 02/05/2018 15:17

Why do some people feel that sexual preference seems to determine who they are or that it's even relevent to anyone or anything. I've always liked women and men and have relationships with both... it has no influence on my day to day life or anyone else's.

What, OP do you feel the internal need is that's driving your desire to declare who you like to bump uglies with?

DJLippy · 02/05/2018 15:17

@Pebble21uk I don't think she was making a political stance. One of the problem's with bisexual erasure is attitudes like that. Unless you're always feel a little bit duplicitous like you're hiding something. It's a really really deep part of who you are. It really hurts when people make homophobic/lesbophobic comments - even racist comments can put you on edge. You think someones your friend, you invest all this time and then they come out with some little dig and then it's kind of tainted. Then you really worry about coming out. I guess you only really understand of you're gay or bisexual. I'm not out to everybody but hiding this takes an emotional strain, it really does. It's not about making a political statement it's about being happy about the person you are and a part of that is about other people knowing who you are.

Teatogo · 02/05/2018 15:18

Yep totally boring and irrelevant. Doubly so now you are married.

I don't think many people care about what gender person you fancy anymore. Even less so now you are married, to a man.

Digestivescusturds · 02/05/2018 15:18

I’m also bisexual. I don’t think it should be seen as such a big deal I mean I doubt anyone has ever sat their loved ones down to announce that they’re straight

Userplusnumbers · 02/05/2018 15:18

Wow! Lots of very strong (and strangely uptight) responses here OP.

I love that you're thinking about it, and considering the why and why not. I'm not a big fan of secrets, as I think they eat away at a person. I don't think you need to make a big announcement, but I also don't think you should have to feel like you need to censor your past just because you're now in an opposite sex relationship.

If the opportunity comes upto surface it in the natural flow of conversation then I think you should go for it. Good luck xx

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 15:19

@JiminyBillyBob thanks for the nasty insinuation that I'm just bored and looking for excitement. Also the accusation that I'm looking to blather about my sexuality when actually all I've discussed is having an honest and heartfelt discussion with my closest loved ones - very nice of you.

I don't consider this irrelevant to my parents and siblings. If one of them was in my position I would want them to feel that they could be totally honest and not hide part of who they are. But I'm frightened about what it could mean and unsure about whether I want to take the risk.

OP posts:
1Wanda1 · 02/05/2018 15:20

Sosososcandalous, no I don't think your parents will find it boring, but it IS irrelevant to them, as you are happily married and presumably have no intention of acting on your bisexual side. So why tell them? They may not be homophobic but you say they are "sheltered". My parents would say they are not homophobic but perhaps sheltered, and they were horrified when I told them about my girlfriend (now DW). Didn't speak to me for months. What is the point of risking family turbulence if there is no "reason" to tell them?

JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 15:23

No I don’t expect you think it’s irrelevant to other people. That’s just the problem. Nowadays it’s all “tell everyone all about yourself. Share every tedious detail whether anyone’s interested or not”.

You’re married to a bloke. I repeat - get a hobby.

RomeoBunny · 02/05/2018 15:24

And no OP. I'm not straight. I fuck both men and women. And have had the odd ts partner too.