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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to come out?

302 replies

Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 12:55

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... Hmm).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
LucilleBluth · 02/05/2018 15:24

Honestly....I would just think you are attention seeking, trying to be woke as the kids say. I also think it's hugely unfair on your husband, if you had met a woman then fair enough. You will make yourself seem ridiculous and people will question your motivation.

JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 15:25

“Honest and heartfelt discussion” fgs can you hear yourself? They might not WANT a long and (possibly to them) excruciatingly awkward discussion about your bloody sexual preferences.

Jeez 🙄

Pebble21uk · 02/05/2018 15:27

DJLippy I guess you only really understand of you're gay or bisexual

Erm... I am gay, I'm a lesbian, married to a woman...

Be careful about making those assumptions! Like I said - not everything a person says or does has to be linked back to their sexuality!

JessicaJonesJacket · 02/05/2018 15:29

Have you teased out why 'coming out' has become important to you now?
As a parent, if my married DD announced she was bi and had had relationships with women but wasn't leaving her DH, I think my thought process would be: why are you telling me this now ?
I'd wonder why you felt you couldn't tell me when you were in relationships with women because I'd feel you were using your heterosexual relationship privilege (as a PP put it) to 'soften' your announcement.
I'd feel sad that we hadn't had a good enough relationship for you to trust me when your sexuality might have caused you angst or external bigotry.

RomeoBunny · 02/05/2018 15:30

"Hey Mum! Can we have a chat? I have something to tell you"

"Sure dear, do you want a cup of tea and maybe a bisc..."

"MUM! I love big black men with huge ***"

"... Hmm that's nice dear!"

^ this is basically the same conversation OP that you want to have. Just as ridiculous.

bonnyshide · 02/05/2018 15:30

You bare married and presumably intend on stays my with your DH forever?

I don't see the need to tell you family that you are bi and have, in the past, had relationships with woman.

I think it would be unfair on your DH to go into your past sexual experiences with your family, why don't you just concentrate on your marriage instead?

DJLippy · 02/05/2018 15:31

Don't listen to the prudes. It's not a sex thing it's a love thing. I bet your parents will feel awkward - you don't have a massive blow by blow account. Trust me you will feel better if you the people you love know. They might not be jumping for joy. My family didn't all respond positively but being out with my siblings and mum and dad feels really good. I don't feel anxious about my sexuality anymore. You only have to do it once and then they'll know forever.

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 15:34

Don't listen to the prudes. It's not a sex thing it's a love thing.

But she’s pledged to love one man for the rest of her life, why is it relevant who else she might have ended up with.

DJLippy · 02/05/2018 15:34

@Pebble21uk

Where is the shame emoji? Sorry for the assumption. I do think that it is a difficult thing for bisexuality though - that invisible feeling. I think that it's a personal thing but OP seems to be upset about not being 'out' to her family. As you know sexuality isn't about sex, it's about love and nobody should feel ashamed about their love. 1 awkward conversation for a lifetime of relief? It seems like a good price to pay to me...

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 15:34

By the way, just so you know, I could have married someone else.

JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 15:35

It’s all just so self absorbed and attention seeking.

I’ve got a mental image of you all sitting down to tea, your poor sheltered Dad pausing with a cream horn halfway to his mouth as you start earnestly discussing strapons.

TwittleBee · 02/05/2018 15:35

I think some people are missing the point maybe? It isn't about openly discussing sexual preferences but the ability to openly talk about stuff that has happened in the past without being worried about giving away sexuality? And also be open with future conversations which might unexpectedly expose sexuality?

Sometimes I go to talk about a story that happened with my family but realise it involved a GF and I feel awkward about then sharing that story in case somehow I slip up about us being in a relationship

Troels · 02/05/2018 15:36

it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... hmm).
Are you saying it's nor ok, or not normal. Because it is normal and it is OK, doesn't make thaoe women Bi.
So unless you are ending yoour marriage, or want permission to cheat, this news is of no use to anyone. Doesn't matter if you are straight or bisexual, cheating is wrong.

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 15:36

jiminy
I think that’s a bit unfair, I doubt very much the op will talk about her actual sex life.

DJLippy · 02/05/2018 15:37

It's a part of who she is. It's not being unfaithful to say that you're still bisexual.

JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 15:39

Why not Teacup? Not relevant? Wouldn’t it be biphobic if her parents didn’t want to hear it?

DJLippy · 02/05/2018 15:39

This is good OP monogamy and bisexuality aren't mutually exclusive

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/entertainment/news/a28118/anna-paquin-bisexual-monogamy-interview/

TwittleBee · 02/05/2018 15:41

DJLippy exactly, otherwise isn't it unfaithful to say you are straight by that logic? Because sexuality doesn't go out of the window just because you are married..... Although... an Ex of mine couldn't deal with me being Bi so he told me I had to say my sexuality was "[insert name of Ex]".

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 15:41

They aren’t mutually exclusive but who you could have ended up with is irrelevant if you plan on staying with your current partner.

DJLippy · 02/05/2018 15:41

I’ve got a mental image of you all sitting down to tea, your poor sheltered Dad pausing with a cream horn halfway to his mouth as you start earnestly discussing strapons.
Wow you've put a lot of thought into that image. Stop being gross! THAT's Biphobia!

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 15:44

@JiminyBillyBob advice you could perhaps follow yourself instead of making sweeping assumptions and unpleasant insinuations about people on the internet.

OP posts:
TrippingTheVelvet · 02/05/2018 15:44

OP, as a bisexual/gay woman that's now happily married to a woman, I have to agree with the other posters who have questioned the point of it.

Your sexuality should be entirely irrelevant to others if you're in a settled, monogamous relationship. If you suddenly started sharing Facebook memes and dropping into conversations you were bi-sexual I would assume:
a) You were testing the waters towards people's receptiveness
b) You're marriage was in diffs or
c) You were a bit bored and looking a bit of head patting for being so brave to come out.
Also, whilst your husband is fine with your sexuality, I think it would be selfish to start announcing to all and sundry that you sometimes fancy people other than him.

BrendasUmbrella · 02/05/2018 15:44

"Coming out" seems redundant unless you're thinking of leaving your DH for a woman, and you say you're not. Close friends might like to know who you fancy casually, but I don't know that your family does. Even having read the thread I am willing to throw my hands up and say I don't fully understand. If you are in love with a man and committed to him, how does your capacity for being attracted to women (and other men) affect your life to the extent that people should know?

Here's an awkward thought I may get told off for, but it's the internet, and this is what I would really think as your family member - if my married sister sat me down and said it was important I know that she is bisexual I would think "Oh, she's leaving my BIL for a woman. No? She's sleeping with a woman behind his back. No? Has a crush on a specific woman and needs to talk about it. No? Sooo... You just want me to know you're sometimes thinking about fannies when you masturbate?!" (Sorry..!)

You know the people in your life. If you think they'd like to know/you really want them to know, then go for it. I hope they give you the reactions you want.

JiminyBillyBob · 02/05/2018 15:45

Tripping - I think we can safely assume C)

ReanimatedSGB · 02/05/2018 15:46

What I think is actually important (and much better than announcing your preferences to people whether they are interested or not) is that you address bigotry in other people. You don't, for instance, have to be BAME to speak up when someone you know makes a casually racist comment. If someone says something nasty about LGBTQ people in your hearing, you can say that you disagree, or that they are wrong - and sometimes this is actually more effective if you just say it than if you make a big deal out of it being offensive to you personally.