To want to come out?

[Sosososcandalous]

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... ).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

@SmashedMug I'm not envisaging a big announcement per se - more a quiet and honest conversation with my closest loved ones!

I don't think it's just about sexual attraction. I'm not really attracted to anyone other than my husband these days, except in a fleeting, shallow way. It's more about the fact that this feels like an important part of who I am as a person. It might not be the case for everyone, but I think for many your sexuality is a fundamental facet of who you are as a person. That's why it feels strange to be keeping it a secret.

It's about visibility, showing that not all different-sex couples are straight

^^ If this is the reason you want to come out then it’s effectively a political statement. Which is fine and understandable.

Again though I think if would be more normal for this to be emerge during a conversation on this topic than be a “coming out” conversation.

@PsychedelicSheep I think that's very true. I am contributing to bi-erasure when I could (potentially) be challenging stereotypes or prejudice. But the thought of that prejudice coming from my own loved ones is a bit terrifying

Whoops! It’s only when we get to meet the ‘other’ and see that they aren’t but are complex nuanced human beings who are more than that part of their identity that people start to think differently.

So I think coming out would be a brave thing for you to do, if not for you alone but the LGBTQ community generally.

It is your choice though of course, but those saying it’s pointless are coming off a bit ‘I’m alright jack’ about it when there are wider issues to consider here I think.

That totally makes sense soso It must be horrible feeling like a part of you is hidden away.

"never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety"

I have never told anyone in my family who I'm attracted to, ever. I don't understand why you feel you have to, especially now that you're in a monogamous relationship.

Huge anxiety? Really? I think you must have a blessed life if you can't think of anything else to feel stressed about.

Just say something if it comes up.

My mother is bisexual, when I was a child she was in a homosexual relationship (from when I was 3-13) and we got the most horrific homophobic bullying, the council ended up moving us because we were being harassed in our own home, it was horrendous.
We pretended my mams partner was our aunty, they couldn’t hold hands in some places and we pretty much lived in fear for ten years.

Now she lives with a man and we get no abuse whatsoever. She’s still a bisexual woman but she doesn’t have to modify her life in anyway.
When you are married to a member of the opposite sex you still get straight privilege whether you’re bi or not as you are read as straight.

I would mention it if it comes up but I don’t think there’s any need to ‘come out’.

I think there is a difference between secret and private.
There are quite a few of my friends whom I don't actually know what their sexual preferences are. Our friendship doesn't require that information, maybe they think I know, I couldn't say, and unless it's relevant, I won't ask.
As for telling your parents, without being in your shoes, I couldn't advise. They may know, but choose to be discrete and say nothing, not that many parents want to discuss their adult children's sex lives (and vice versa) or this could surprise them, in which case, you are probably best placed to know how they might react.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I was with you until this ^^ You're married. WTF would you talk to anyone about your sexuality? If you do, it's not very fair to your husband as it's an implication that you're thinking of having affairs. Makes him look like a gobshite who'll 'do for now'.

Gosh teacup how awful for you all

@CoteDAzur are you straight? I'm only asking because generally heterosexual people aren't required or expected to come out, because heterosexuality is assumed. Therefore it's not surprising if you've never told anyone in her family that you're straight, because you can safely knkw rhaf they've already assumed that is the case.

If you're not straight then you've obviously made the choice not to come out to your family which is totally fine! I'm only really talking about my own choice here, it's up to you whether you're happy for it to be a secret or not.

It would be lovely if non-straight people also didn't have to come out, but the truth is if you don't people make an assumption about you that might not be true, and that might not be something you're comfortable or happy with.

As for anxiety - this certainly isn't the only thing I am stressed about. Among other things I'm worrying about my great aunt who I'm very close to and has dementia, and the fact that my brother had been referred to an oncologist over a mole, and my husband considering a drastic career change. This is probably all outing but just letting you see that worrying about this issue doesn't mean I have nothing else to concern me.

Huge anxiety? Really? I think you must have a blessed life if you can't think of anything else to feel stressed about.

Cote that’s terribly harsh and deeply naive.

Homophobia is still deeply ingrained throughout our society. Particularly perhaps among older generations.

The OP is considering revealing something she has previously kept private which could potentially change the way her loved ones feel about her or interact with her.

I would think being anxious about that was completely normal.

Why are you thinking about it now?

If I am can be straight with you, no pun intended, I wonder how happy you are with your married life?

When I read your post it makes me think that you are not living your life as you want to, as you are, it is more of a role in someone else's life (i.e. your dh's and his family)

They would gain nothing but gossip and confusion if you told them. I get that you feel you are 'hiding' part of your identity. But don't we all do that to some degree? Most families and most people have secrets, everyone is entitled to privacy and to choose what to share and not to share. You are not on oath to share every last thing.

My question is do you like where you are now?

Your need to tell people might be your way out of staying in the box you are currently in.

I can't advise you on what you can do, but understand why you want to be more open about it. It's not like, as people were stating at the begining of the thread, that's its a chapter of your life that is over. It's part of who you are. I can understand why it would feel uncomfortable "passing" especially when you hear your family and DH's family making homophobic comments. I think having a quiet conversation with your family would not be out of order, and then I would feel free to drop it into conversation with whomever you felt like when it felt right.

I do remember a friend of mine "coming out" at uni and pointing out that it wasn't a one time thing and that he'd actually been coming out for a year and that everytime he met someone knew he had to come out again.

@Juells that's just biphobic nonsense. Being bisexual doesn't make you a scrap more likely to have affairs than being straight. Nobody is assuming you're looking to cheat on your partner with other men so why would you assume bisexuals are looking to cheat on theirs just because they like both men and women? This is a very prevalent prejudice people hold against bisexuals.

@Teacuphiccup I'm so sorry, that is so awful. You're right about straight privilege - I am very aware that I have it even though I'm not straight. I'm so sorry your family were put through that.

@elderflowerandrose I do understand why you'd think that but I am really, truly happy in my marriage. I love my DH deeply and would never want anyone other than him. It's hard to describe why my sexuality feels like a part of my identity even though I'm not looking for romantic or sexual partners any more, but it is still a huge part of who I am.

@AmazingPostVoices @PopGoesTheWeaz @MirriVan thank you all for being kind and giving good advice

I am a bisexual woman and recently came out to my family, aged about 30. In the past I hadn't labled myself as bisexual because I'm predominately attracted to men and all of my relationships have been with men. After much sould searching I realised that my feeling for women weren't just sexual they were romantic as well. This is what people don't understand about your sexuality - it's about more than sex - telling people you're bisexual isn't like telling people about a kink. Bisexual invisibility is a real problem because (especially if you have a male partner and present 'femme') people assume you're straight. It's also hard to give clues because straight girls often say things like "Beyonce looks so hit in that picture."

I came out to my friends at first and their reaction was usually just "yeah we know" or "OK, that's nice, can you pass the salt please..." When I suggested I have a coming out party everybody just laughed. It felt like such a relief though. Even though I'd been open about my sexual past with my friends somehow 'coming out' did feel good. More bisexual people should do it.

Being out to my friends though made me feel bad about not being out to the rest of my family. It was like my bisexuality was a big secret that I was ashamed of. I would tell new firends but not my mum, that didn't feel right.

I eventually came out to them and I could tell that it made the male members of my family very uncomfortable, which was quite upsetting for me. I was sharing a really intimate thing with them and it was like I was telling them about my kinks. It was almost like they'd of preferred I waited until I brought a girlfriend home. Like I said, being bisexual is not about sex, its about who you fall in love with. We're quite a liberal family so it was quite a shock to find out how prudish they really were when it came to female sexuality.

I definitely feel a lot happier in myself about coming out. I just wish I didn't have to do it every time I made a new friend! Being L, G or B means coming out all the time - get used to it!

I hope you find this advice useful.

@Juells that's just biphobic nonsense. Being bisexual doesn't make you a scrap more likely to have affairs than being straight. Nobody is assuming you're looking to cheat on your partner with other men so why would you assume bisexuals are looking to cheat on theirs just because they like both men and women? This is a very prevalent prejudice people hold against bisexuals.

Nothing to do with being biphobic (is that even a fucking thing?). Your sexuality isn't relevant at the moment because you're married, why would you even talk about it?

@DJLippy that is so helpful, thank you so much. You put it so perfectly about it not just being about sex - even as this thread shows, so many people see it as making a weirdly intimate announcement about what you specifically like to do in the bedroom and that's so far from what's actually the case!

Thank you for sharing your story - it sounds so like mine. I'm also worried about the reactions you described but there's a big part of me that feels it would be worth it for the sake of being honest about myself and proud of who I am.

One of my DCs is bisexual. It has never been discussed because it isn’t relevant as they are in a straight relationship and I’ve never said anything about it. I found out purely by chance.

Unless you plan to end your marriage or seek out another partner you don’t need to come out. Just be aware that your parents or siblings may already know!

It just makes me wonder why you want to tell them. As a bisexual person in a straight relationship you face non of the homophobic prejudices of someone in a homosexual relationship. You don’t need to fight for any rights and benefit from all the privilege of anyone else married to a member of the opposite sex.

You seem active in the bisexual forums etc which is great and I think that if I were you I’d be honest about my sexuality with my friends and if the topic ever came up.

It sounds a little bit like the extended family have been getting on your whick a little bit and you want to put them back in their place.

I think I wouldn’t ‘come out’ to them but if they were being homophobic or rude in front of me I wouldn’t hide who I was.

If it were me I think I would just talk about it as if everyone knew already. Obviously not just bring the subject up randomly, but if the topic of sexuality comes up, just talk about it like it was common knowledge.

People will then usually think they probably knew but had forgotten.

I did this when I ended up pregnant VERY quickly into a new relationship. So new I hadn't really talked about being with him. So at work I just dropped his name into conversations like it was an established relationship. Not one person blinked an eye when I said I was pregnant just 2 months later..

Hi lass - just came on to say this.

I don't care if people are straight, gay, Bi, white, black etc etc.....

What matters to me is the people I know, love and respect are supported if they feel strongly about something so personal.

So, if you feel like your having to hide something that is obviously important to you then you imho should speak to hubby and have a united front and a family chat.

Best wishes and a hello!

@Juells yes, biohobia is a thing. I'm surprised you think it isn't!

Your sexuality is a part of your identity. For straight people maybe it doesn't seem that way because you're assumed to be the default? I don't know. But I haven't stopped being bisexual just because I'm married. It'll never not be part of who I am.

Sexuality isn't about who specifically you are romantically involved with at any one time. It's part of who you are. Which means I am hiding part of who I am from the people I love.