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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to come out?

302 replies

Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 12:55

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... Hmm).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 14:21

@gryffen thank you, that was lovely ❤️

OP posts:
chocolateworshipper · 02/05/2018 14:23

I would say that if keeping a secret is making you unhappy, you could tell your family that you have had relationships with girls in the past - as it sounds like they would be supportive. However, in your shoes I don't think I would tell DH's family as you can be pretty sure it wouldn't be received well, and has others have said, it really doesn't affect them.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 14:23

@Bluesmartiesarebest that's very true! They may have known for years. I wasn't nexeaaarily subtle as a teen with my extreme obsession with Eowyn from lord of the rings...

@ImNotMeImSomeoneElse that sounds like a very gentle and non-threatening way of doing it - thank you

OP posts:
DJLippy · 02/05/2018 14:24

Also, 'coming out' won't necessarily stop homophobic comments from the in-laws. You can come out to the family but what if they get new partners, you'll have to come out all over again and that might not be the most appropriate first conversation "I like your coat I'M BISEXUAL"

My brothers new girlfriend recently made a lesbophbic comment and it jarred me like a little knife. She obviously doesn't know I'm bi, and I didn't say anything and I haven't since it's just hard finding the right moment to slip it into the conversation like "yeah my girlfriend used to be a nurse"

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 14:25

@DJLippy thank you for that visual 😂 I should perhaps go for more subtlety... I think you're totally right. Coming out isn't a one time thing, so I would potentially be signing up for a lifetime of this anxiety

OP posts:
Crocuspie · 02/05/2018 14:27

This is an aside but has come up on this thread - doesn't "sexuality" refer to what appeals to you sexually, what you are into doing etc, whereas sexual orientation is the term for gay, straight, bi?
When they are used interchangeably I can see why people speak as if the sex you are attracted to is on a par with what you like to do with them.
If a married family member told me they were bi I would assume it was an opening statement, and the next one would be that they were splitting up/looking for another partner etc. Otherwise I wouldn't know why they told me. If they said "oh yes I saw Oasis with my ex girlfriend at uni" that would seem far more normal. I think in the OP's scenario it's the dh who will bear the brunt f this

borlottibeans · 02/05/2018 14:30

I've had this debate with myself too and kept reaching the conclusion that there's no point in potentially causing myself a lot of hassle over something that is now irrelevant.

A few friends know because it came up in conversation, but not family - I wouldn't describe my parents as homophobic at all but they would be confused and would probably worry that something was wrong in my marriage. I don't feel like I'm hiding part of myself from them at all.

I'm also a wimp and very uncomfortable talking about my private life so I'm probably just making excuses for myself, but that's where I stand now after a lot of self doubt over the years.

MirriVan · 02/05/2018 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbsentmindedWoman · 02/05/2018 14:31

@Juelis Yes, biphobia is a thing. Both from the straight and the gay community in different ways.

I've been refused admission to a gay club for 'not looking like a lesbian'. I've also had instances of chatting with another girl in a bar, flirting and getting along well, and then being asked if I'm lesbian or bi - when they heard I was queer and like men and women, they ended the conversation.

A certain proportion of both the straight and gay community think bisexual people are sitting on the fence. I don't feel comfortable with the binary emphasis of the bisexual label so don't identify with it myself, but plenty of folks do and bisexuality is valid.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 14:32

@Crocuspie I've personally always used sexuality and sexual orientation interchangeably but it may well be that others differentiate them in the way you mentioned.

I think that mentioning an ex girlfriend or something would be a good and casual way of letting others know for the most part, but it would feel disingenuous to try this with my parents. We would all know that it was new information for them, and I think if I were to do it I would want it to be a frank and open conversation. But for any more casual friends or family members that I might want to know I can definitely see the merits in your suggested approach.

OP posts:
DJLippy · 02/05/2018 14:33

You don't owe it to anybody to 'come out' to everybody that's ridiculous. In an ideal world everybody would be riding around on unicorns eating rainbow dust for breakfast but in reality the world is a judgemental place and biphobia means that people will make lots of assumptions about you - esp as a woman (like, you're a bit of a slut)

Just come out with the people you love. Don't wait for the perfect moment - do what I did and get drunk "I LOVE COAST AND ALSO BEING BISEXUAL"

As for everybody else - way up the options. They will watch the homophobic comments around you but they can't stop judging you in their head. Put your emotional wellbeing above some cause for bisexual visibility. Your safety is more important than taking a sjw stance.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 14:34

@borlottibeans I've been the same for years ❤️

@AbsentmindedWoman thank you so much, couldn't have explained it better!

OP posts:
OneNameToRuleThemAll · 02/05/2018 14:34

Happily married here, both openly bixsexual.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 14:35

@DJLippy can we be friends please, you've both been lovely and really made me laugh!

OP posts:
Beamur · 02/05/2018 14:35

I am straight, but I can tell that the first time a new friend or colleague drops the fact they're gay/bi into a conversation, it can be tough. Some have been very breezy and matter of fact about it, others have obviously been worried or anxious about how it will be received. Depends on where they're at and so much more. This must only be harder with people you know well, rather than newer relationships where there is less at stake.
I hope if you do decide to be more frank, that you find that either your loved ones already knew and all will be fine, or that they adjust to this new way of looking at you and you feel more accepted for your whole self.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 14:36

@Beamur thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 14:39

Bisexuality is totally valid,
but you can’t really blame lesbians for being a bit wary of people identifying as bisexual or queer when there are some women who say they are bisexual but what they mean is they only have relationships with men but sometimes fool around with girls.

I think the word ‘queer’ muddies the waters even more because it can mean whatever you want it to mean.

If I was a lesbian I think I would rather know that the person I’m interested in definitely swings my way before investing any emotions into it.

HairyToity · 02/05/2018 14:42

I don't see the point personally.

DJLippy · 02/05/2018 14:44

Sosososcandalous yes we can be buds Gin let me get you drunk on virtual booze so you can tell your mum how much your love her coat!
Also, there's sexuality threads on mumsnet? Why did nobody tell me this, I want to rant about pansexuality for a bit!

Karigan1 · 02/05/2018 14:46

What absentmindedwomen says is exactly why I have an issue with the whole ‘coming out’ thing.

People try to put each other in boxes and then being the arseholes that people generally are they then try to victimise them based on their box label.

Nobody should be labelled like this. Everybody should just love and live and let love and live. It shouldn’t be the norm to have to come out. There shouldn’t be bi erasure, bi phobia or anything else. It concerns me that by feeling you have to announce or say anything it’s feeding into the whole putting labels on things. People should just crack on and if they want to watch the bay watch girls run again then just say so without fear of reprisals or labels.

Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 14:46

@Teacuphiccup I'm very sympathetic to lesbians who emotionally invest in women who aren't being upfront about the fact that they're just curious or experimenting. I've experienced that myself and it is not at all fun. That said I think it's a bit tough to blame genuine bisexuals for the fact that some people appropriate the label because they think it's fun to snog women sometimes. Bisexuals face prejudice from gays and straights and men and women and a lot of that is because of unfair stereotypes.

That being said I also think bisexuals have to be alive to the fact that we have the privilege of passing and don't experience homophobia in the same way (although we do experience it) as lesbians and gay men. So it's up to us to try to be understanding and to listen to the experiences of others.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosososcandalous · 02/05/2018 14:48

@DJLippy yes please!!! WineWineWine

I'll listen to you rant about pansexuality any time!

@Karigan1 that would be lovely - maybe one day!

OP posts:
Teatogo · 02/05/2018 14:49

I would be a bit shocked about a married heterosexual relative suddenly feeling the need to announce "by the way just cos I'm married doesn't mean I'm not still attracted to men".

That's kind of the point of marriage. Foreswearing all others and all that. It kinda doesn't matter who you are attracted to after your married, that's your husband. I'd consider it massively disrespectful to your husband to pick now to make a big song and dance of your sexuality. It's really not a gays straight or bi thing, it's a marriage thing.

By all means know you're bi, and don't feel the need to hide it, but it's really not relevant to where you are in life.

Teacuphiccup · 02/05/2018 14:50

Oh I don’t blame genuine bisexuals for that at all, in fact if I was bisexual I would be pretty darn cross about it!

Lovemusic33 · 02/05/2018 14:51

I’m not sure why you need to come out if you are married, it’s not as though your going to be introducing the family to your new girlfriend?

I’m sure most people you tell won’t really be that bothered or interested.