Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

The cruelty, evasion and disrespect is just despicable. Im so sorry you are going through this

Are you saying that he is potentially away with another woman? And he wants to go to a mediator? I literally can't get over the sheer audacity...

This must be so heart breaking for you OP but Jesus, no one should be treated the way he's treating you.

Fuck his feelings. Please pack up his stuff while he's gone and change the locks!

I'm not one of those "ltb" straightaway fanatics but he is showing you just how little he cares about your feelings. I can imagine your hurt and would want to minimise contact with him as much as possible.

When you cheat on and/or deceive your other half, you don't get to choose your punishment, grr, the absolute cheek of him. Stay strong OP - and change the locks.

Yes no contact from him. No idea where he’s staying or who he’s with. He wants mediation in order to arrange separation. It all feels like a brutal free fall.

I’m going to pack up his stuff.

What a tosser!

Don’t let him call the shots.

Whatever happens, you have your boundary.
This (surely) has broken that.

Feel sick at the moment at the thought of him being away while I’m stuck at home with the kids.

Or to think of it another way - he's out doing god knows what with god knows who in an active demonstration of where his family comes on his priority list. But you, hero that you are, are holding things together, putting your kids first, making sure their needs are met and doing what a good parent does, even when their heart is breaking and they are dealing with the most difficult thing in the world. Believe me, this is the kind of thing that makes a difference and in years to come this is what will cement your relationship with your kids and help you all get through this.

Oh god he’s just emailed saying that he wants to cancel mediation. A very long email sent at 8pm but I’ve just read it. He wants to draw up a legal deed of separation and get us to both sign it. That could take a long time I’m not in the right head space to sign anything surely he can move out until then?

I emailed a No. And asked what was he doing anyway, where was he, who is the bag of condoms for so that I can get some closure and move out.

It sounds like he's stalling - why not just get divorced rather than faff about with a deed of separation? If he doesn't want to make any attempt to save your relationship and you are clearly past the point of no return, then what is the point in prolonging the inevitable? He obviously thinks he will 'do well' out of this deed of separation otherwise he wouldn't have suggested it. Fuck him, fuck his bag of condoms and fuck his deed of separation. Get your own legal advice and protect you and your children's interests.

So sorry this is happening to you. What an ass. 💐

Sorry, what's a deed of separation?

Do not sign anything he draws up. Get legal advice and know exactly what you are entitled to.

He is no longer your friend. You cannot trust him as far as you could throw him.

He is a nasty selfish man.

Op, i'm so sorry you're going through this. I will PM you again, but please get yourself a lawyer asap and do not sign anything without your lawyer seeing it.

What?! Why is he now skipping to a deed of separation? You generally need mediation to agree what’s the feedback of separation will entail anyway. That, or you go through lawyers to agree on something.

The deed generally is an agreement to live apart and custody rights etc. It normally goes through curt to make it legally binding. And if you want to get back together at a later date then you can apply to the courts to have the agreement cancelled.

So it’s like divorce lite, like I said before he wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants you dangled on a string wile he lives the single life. He wants to stay married with a view to reconciliation while he shags other people??

If you want to fully separate I’d recommend just going for the mediation (which you will have to anyway unless you can come to an agreements between yourselves without it) and then getting divorced (if that’s what you want). Deeds of separation aren’t usually used in cases like this where irreparable damage has been done to the relationship.

Hope you’re ok OP. You’ve been an absolute rock in all of this. It’s a sad situation but you’ll be better off in the long run. X

• deed not feedback sorry

DO NOT SIGN

So the fact he doesn’t want mediation speaks volumes

Get a solicitor . Speak to a few . I highly recommend Stowe family law

How dare he . Is he a lawyer ?

Don't. Go down the deeds of separation route,we did that then he changed his mind so it cost more.
You should make an appointment to see a solicitor and go straight for divorce.Dont sign anything that doesn't come through your solicitor.

Get a lawyer, you quite understandable may not have the head space for this but they will.

And bloody demand to know where he is and with who, you have that right to know.

Sorry that sounded blunt,I just feel angry on your behalf.Hope you are OK
Don't let him try to make if your fault.He is an adult,he made voices and these are the consequences.
It will be hard and a rollercoaster so take care of yourself.Tell someone on RL,it does help to have someone to believe you and remind you who you are in all this.

Don't. Go down the deeds of separation route,we did that then he changed his mind so it cost more.

This.
If you want to divorce, it will make it more long and drawn out and more expensive.

Should have replied saying “thank you for pausing your weekend shag fest to email me. Your kids are fine by the way. See you at mediation”

Orangeblossom 3
Personally, I would have been sorely tempted to have used a needle to prick a hole in every single condom which you discovered in his "projects" bag!!!
It's highly unlikely that you'll ever sleep with him again (unless you both decide to reconcile) ... given the circumstances, it certainly seems very unlikely due to his totally unacceptable, disrespectful behaviour etc ... then he has to deal with STI's or unplanned babies👣 from his "faulty" condoms!!!
Arghh, I am so angry about this whole situation. Absolutely agree that you must NOT sign any dogdy document from him! Don't allow him to bully you into doing so either. Please seek legal advice, be one step ahead of the narcissistic prick!
Well done for being so very strong in the midst of this most awful heart wrenching ordeal, even when you feel like your whole world is collapsing before your very eyes, and your heart is so broken, please try and remain strong, for your children & yourself!
Thinking of you! 💕

What a douchecanoe he is.

Good job you're already packing his stuff, if he wants to be separated.

Don't sign anything, see a solicitor instead.

Document everything, make notes dates in calendar, screenshots of facebook and messages

@JU5TMe what the fuck?

Op don't do this.

I too hoped it was a middle aged man being a complete idiot but seems he’s an utter arsehole. I’m sorry OP. Your head must be wreaked.

Totally agree don’t sign anything! He’ll be looking after his interests and not you or the kids.

JU5TMe, I have no words.