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Original poster

Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

638 replies

Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 11:32

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

OP posts:
AskMeHow · 17/05/2018 22:55

Who cares if he has nowhere to go. He's brought it on himself.

He needs to see the full consequences of his actions, no more cosy house, wife and children, his family (parents, siblings) losing respect for him, and a few weeks back at his parents or in a b&b.

Just tell him to go. He's lying to you.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 17/05/2018 23:35

He is lying.

Unfortunately his family are all pretty clannish and will just tell him he’s a good guy. They did that last time when I was pregnant.

I’ve told him I want him out. I don’t even want to be around him. If he won’t move out he can stay out of the house every day. He is still minimising it, still saying I shouldn’t have looked in his bag, and he even said that I was starting to get obsessed before I found the condoms.

If I even started to talk about salvaging our relationship I’d be doing so without him even disclosing what is going on right now. He’s doing the same as he did before and this will not change. What a waste. At this moment I honestly wish I’d had children with someone else.

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 18/05/2018 00:12

Yes I understand completely. There’s no point in you trying to salvage anything, because his behaviour is so disrespectful and unreasonable.
It’s heartbreaking, but you’ll come through it 💕

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 18/05/2018 00:22

Thank you. I would have given so much for him to be honest, open, tell me what a huge mistake it is and make amends.

OP posts:
Lilymossflower · 18/05/2018 00:29

Well done! He is a dick and you can do much better. Minimising it is a form of gas lighting and it's very common unfortunately, they make out that the woman is paranoid and crazy so they can get away with there shit behaviour. Stay strong you can do it make sure he leaves asap xxxxxxxxxxxx

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 18/05/2018 07:58

Yes he is a bastard and he needs to go. Did he not even attempt to explain the condoms? Angry Angry

I would hate him as well.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 18/05/2018 09:26

No, he didn’t explain the condoms at all. Although I did leave it saying ‘you know what I don’t want to know what they were for I just want out’ and I walked off. I was so mad and upset I couldn’t even cry.

I started off the conversation saying ‘I thought we’d agreed you would be honest with me, tell me about your friends or meeting women for coffee’, as he’d clearly not been, and before I could say more he started to tell me I was obsessed with it, and jumping to conclusions. I said that if I’d known he was even meeting a 26 year old girl for coffee I would not want to be sharing a bed with him, so hiding things was depriving me of my right to choose. I thought he’s never going to tell me, that’s when I said ‘well what about the condoms in your bag?’ And he replied well why didn’t you just ask me, what were you doing in my bag, how would you like it if I did that to you?’ Etc and I couldn’t get my words in. I walked off saying ‘because it wasn’t me that cheated in the past!’

The next morning he came in and said he was sorry, he could see my ‘logic’ and that relationships were a serious business, and he had throughout our relationship he’d never given me the full picture. He didn’t explain what this meant then or now.

I thought this last week he was ashamed and sorry, and at least able to be honest. Instead he’s got a new phone with a new lock on it. He’s planning this weekend away. He hasn’t said who with or why. And he never even responded to my friend request on Facebook! Petty really but this all just tipped me over. That’s why I looked in his bag.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 18/05/2018 09:37

I have never heard of anyone being quite so evasive as this OP. What do you mean he hasn't said who he's going away with? Have you asked him outright?

He sounds like a slippery bugger that's for sure.

What other explanation is there for condoms in his bag? Does he think you came down in the last shower?

Blobby10 · 18/05/2018 10:18

OrangeBlossom until your last couple of updates, I was like Hopefully - I too developed a friendship with a man of a similar age to me, who was going through a shit time with his ex and worried about his teenage son. We had coffee several times, I went round to his house to talk, from my side there was nothing more than wanting to be a friend, to feel useful and feel like I could help someone by listening. My (now ex) husband was fine about it - he too knew this man - until someone else mentioned that something MUST be going on as men and women couldn't be friends. So next time I was going to have a coffee with this man, DH said he didn't want me to go. I could see his point but resented it as there really was nothing going on !

Although we had slowly been growing apart for 10 years, I think this was what finally made him decide he wanted to split up. He couldn't believe me over the whispers of everyone else. Our split was amicable and fair, and we are still friends but this issue just accelerated what would probably happen anyway.

Until you mentioned the condoms and weekend away, I believed your husband may be as innocent and genuine as I was. Now I dont and can understand why, hard as it is and will continue to be, you are doing what you are and that it is the right thing for you.

Sad
smurfit · 18/05/2018 10:23

This sounds a bit like the mind games my ex used to play. He'd cheat but somehow I'd end up apologising for 'snooping'.

As far as I'm concerned you've done nothing wrong here. He's just deflecting so that you forget to demand answers to the actual questions.

I see him refusing to leave as a control tactic. If he stays, he'll wear you down eventually... take care of yourself and be confident in your feelings. Don't let him make you second guess your decisions.

wineandroses1 · 18/05/2018 12:40

A bunch of condoms???? WTF? And he's telling you you're obsessed? What planet is he living on? He's clearly checked out of the marriage.

If he's going away for the weekend, you could take that time to box up all of his stuff and give it to him when he comes back. And change the locks. He should not be in your house any longer. Also, somehow you need to find out where the money is - if he has accounts you can't access then how will you know what you're entitled to from the marital assets?

whatamistake · 18/05/2018 15:28

Sorry op. The evidence is there - you’ve never used condoms with him and yet he has a bag full of them in his ‘working away’ bag....

Yeah, he’s ‘working’ alright, shagging at least one other person.

I am sorry to be blunt, but you need to accept he has and will be continuing to sleep with at least one other person. You can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He apologises (of sorts), to disarm you and minimise. He gaslights and twists it around so it’s YOU causing the problem.

It isn’t you.

He is a mind-fu@ker of the highest degree and you need out of this before he either gives you a std (one day a condom will break with one of these women, or he won’t use one), and before he destroys your self worth any more than he has already.

He’s a dirty cunning b’stard and he won’t stop doing this, sorry. I’m not trying to hurt you further I’m simply trying to help you see what he’s doing to you as I get from your posts that you don’t seem to be accepting he has been sleeping around.

The scarf will have been left after they’ve been shagging somewhere. I don’t believe a word he has told you about that.

SandyY2K · 18/05/2018 17:07

throughout our relationship he’d never given me the full picture.

Sounds like he's cheated the whole time.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 18/05/2018 20:20

He’s messaged me at 11.30pm for the last two nights, to ask if he could chat. I’ve totally ignored them. He popped in today and offered to get shopping for the weekend so that I didn’t have to. I just said no.

I can’t even stand to see him. I still want answers but I know that asking him may just lead to him minimising it. Or him trying to give me a hug. I don’t want that. He’s going away for the weekend after I found condoms in his bag! That’s just so low.

OP posts:
Banana8080 · 18/05/2018 21:33

Has he tried to give an explaination on the condoms? Whoever he’s using them with, it’s prob not the coffee shop girl....

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 18/05/2018 21:37

No he hasn’t. He’s got his bloody bag of condoms and is off right now for the weekend with them! I don’t think I’ve felt as angry as this for a long time. Angry

Agree Banana, I might be wrong but I don’t think this is coffee shop girl, she’s only part of the picture.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 19/05/2018 06:33

Have you outright asked him who he's gong with and what the condoms are for? And have you refused to accept a fudge?

Branleuse · 19/05/2018 07:02

whatever happens , you have kept your self respect here and you're not being a doomat. I really hope this gets easier for you xx

Emmasmum2013 · 19/05/2018 07:26

Argh he makes me so angry. You need to get him out of the house. He is having his cake and eating it at the moment. He’s got his nice family home and sees his kids all the time but is living the single life too?

Definitely box up all his stuff while he’s away and drop it off at a family members house and tell them everything. If they’re that supportive of him like last time then he can fuck off to them.

RoderickRules · 19/05/2018 07:33

I think you need to capitalise on this anger and use it to get him out.
If you don’t, the anger may pass into the downtrodden stage where he will just be ducking around and you will be a doormat tolerating it.
I’ve even heard of men bringing women home in this scenario.

Rise up OP.

RoderickRules · 19/05/2018 07:33

Not ducking around dicking around

StayingAtTamaras · 19/05/2018 08:26

He's a massive bellend and I admire your maturity and how level-headed you've been!

He's actually gone away for a weekend with a load of condoms in his bag? And is turning it round on you for snooping? He's a pig

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 19/05/2018 09:35

He says he won’t move out until we’ve seen the mediator, early next week. No I didn’t ask outright who he is going with, I asked about the condoms but he fudged it. I’d asked him specifically about the coffee girl and then asked him to just be totally honest about everything. Feel sick at the moment at the thought of him being away while I’m stuck at home with the kids.

OP posts:
Banana8080 · 19/05/2018 10:12

Well I’d love to see what any mediator would make of his behaviours! He’s outrageous, its sociopathic it’s lacking so much empathy.

Emmasmum2013 · 19/05/2018 11:09

What’s the point of staying then? He’s gonna have to go early next week. I’d just start packing his stuff now so you’re ready to just close the door behind him as soon as you can

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