Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

[Orangeblosssom3]

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

Orange you need to see a family lawyer immediately...choose wisely. You’re understandably, ‘all over the place’ emotionally - your lawyer will have a cool head and will advise appropriate action

Don’t sign anything or enter into any agreement until you’ve seen your lawyer. Oh and definitely don’t give DH a heads up that you’re seeking legal advice - keep this to yourself - let your lawyer contact him.

The advice from pp to pierce the condoms is monumentally shit

Nothing happens until you see a solicitor. Nothing happens until you have full financial disclosure from him - nothing.

If you want to know what he's pulling in from his limited company just go onto Companies House and if you know the name you can search for free to see the accounts. Take copies with you to your solicitor meeting.

I think this email shows him as utterly, irretrievably self centred in the extreme. What an utter twunt OP.

It will look bad if he doesn't go to the mediation but you do. Speaks volumes really doesn't it!

Do you think someone has been putting ideas in his head about mediation? Maybe another woman wants him to give you as little as possible.
Sorry to put this thought in your head, but just please make sure you stick to your guns and get everything you are entitled to.

Yes surprisinging how the new girlfriends feel sorry for them for having to meet their existing responsibilities! Not an unusual state of events at all.

When later I was dating a man who grudged his xw (a sahm) a portion of his pension i explained to him that it was having children that had cost him not his xw. He allegedly didnt follow that. I went off him. Even men who identify as good 🤔 will behave badly in a divorce.

How are you OP? I hope you changed the locks!

I'd turn up and join them after getting a lock down of all finances and photocopies of everything.

Just to see both of their faces

In fact, I'd turn up a few mins late and dash in, saying...

Sorry I'm late, have I missed much!?

In fact I'd invite her partner too!!

OR!!

turn up at the same place with her partner and do a Cooweee wave, saying 'fancy running into you two! what's the odds'!!!!!

Admittedly might sound childish...I have finished work and still hangry lol

In all honesty.....say nothing just yet. Get to grips with all the finances, write everything down, photocopy what you need. Give him enough rope to sting himself up BUT

Get all your ducks in a row first

Sorry OP just caught up with the thread.

What a douchebag!!!!!

Big hugs your way!! Hope your ok

Good luck for mediation today @Orangeblossom3
Hope it goes as well as can be expected and you’re ok x

This has gone mad. He turned up late yesterday, swore he wasn’t with anyone and said that he wanted me back. He said ‘we are both crazy but I love you and love spending time with you and missed you all the time I was away’. I asked if someone had replaced him in a parallel universe?

My head is actually spinning. I still feel that I have only half the facts. I photocopied what I could of his finances a week ago and am contacting more solicitors today to get an idea of where I stand. I don’t know if he’s cancelled the mediation. I didn’t say much except it was all a bit extreme, and a turn around. I feel wrung out.

Mediation was for tomorrow morning.

Thank you for keeping me sane. Am so grateful everyone.

I read this as he kinda wants to jump but he's basically a coward and is afraid to make the jump so he'll stay with you thank you very much, if you don't mind - without stepping away to think or work out what he wants, what's best for you OP, what's best for the family. Without that anything he says/claims is just more BS and doesn't represent any change in his thinking or methods of operating or his approach or his intentions. I don't think his word is any more trustable now than it was before. In fact probably less because he's just in a blind panic that you've actually called him on his lying and clearly aren't going to tolerate his BS any longer.

What do you make of it? Do you think he's being genuine? My questions would still be the same as before.
What are the condoms for?
Where did you go and what for?
If this is what he wants, why suggest the deed of separation?
Whats the deal with the scarf? (sorry I can't recall if you got a decent answer to that one)

I'd be telling him that to be in a marriage where you have to be away from the person to miss them and realise that they are more important than playing away isn't really a great deal...

You deserve better OP. So does every person. No one deserves to be taken for granted when you give them your whole life.

I feel like he's clutching at straws now that you flatly refused his offer of a deed of separation. He wants to keep you on the end of his hook.

Stay strong OP. Good that you are not going to let him manipulate you with this bizarre turnaround.

How odd.

Don’t let this put you off guard.

He’s slept/sleeping with at least one other person - the condoms alone have proved that (seeing as you two have never used condoms!).

Good luck x

So either he s getting cold feet/jitters as he begins to realise what he is about to lose, or the benefactor of his condomed-self (be it Scarf or someone else) is less interested in him than he thought.

I will say what I always think on these threads: What would have happened if you hadn't read the messages? Would he be sat at your kitchen table weeping and telling you what a fool he has been? No, he would be carrying on sending sleazy messages and 'working late' with his bag of condoms.

He is panicking. And so he should be. You sounds brilliant and he is losing a good one.

Ps I will also add that unlike some people, I don't believe that there is no going back ever, sometimes there is genuine remorse and work at repairing a relationship and it can work, but he has done this twice (and possibly more if we assume there is Scarf plus another). He is who he is.

Stay strong OP
I

Get rid and start again, how can you ever trust this man. Sit him down and say tell me the whole truth or it's over but he won't.

I wouldn’t be swayed by him remembering that you worked well as a couple before he started speculating (at the very least- he carries condoms) about other women.

You are clearly a strong woman and could definitely do better than him. Going it alone with your kids would be doing better than this, because one day he will do it again- his ego obviously needs the validation.

You will save yourself many moments of doubt, and eventual hurt if you cut him free to pursue his grubby ‘hobby’ now, whilst you hold your head high.

And I’m not generally an advocate of a knee jerk LTB.

Good luck

I read this as the dirty weekend didn’t go too great and/or he suggested to the other woman hey he could come live with her now and she wasn’t too impressed.

Maybe I’m off. I don’t know. It was my first thought. I’m so sorry he’s being such a shit.

That’s nice darling but all those condoms weren’t for using with me, so we aren’t working.

I know I am not happy about this at all. If I hadn’t found those messages in the first place, or the condoms, I’d be off with him this weekend to a family event and probably sleeping together too. That makes me feel very used. It’s right you do give your whole life to a marriage, it’s a serious thing.

I'd be telling him that to be in a marriage where you have to be away from the person to miss them and realise that they are more important than playing away isn't really a great deal...

This, I will be telling him this.

Next weekend I’ve decided that I am going to family event without him or our kids, he can look after them.

Maybe I'm cynical but it seems his OW didn't want him full time so he's back to you.

I hope that isn't the case because you deserve so much more.

I can imagine that there was a certain amount of delusion on his part whatever has gone on. The first time it was with a woman who will have driven him round the bend if he’d actually gone out with her, and for her probably as he was high up in the organisation, and she wasn’t. Ego trips that have nothing to do with life, and perhaps can only exist as the thrill of being illicit. Dull without that drama.

I find it so suspicious that Saturday whilst away (potentially with OW) he wanted a firm separation. Suddenly not?

The condoms thing is an 100% confirmation of foul play, surely!?

What a huge wanker - OP I am so sorry and you are handling this entire thing magnificently.