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Original poster

Over reacting to husbands new female friend?

638 replies

Orangeblosssom3 · 02/05/2018 11:32

Me and DH have been going through a tricky patch. And while on the computer yesterday I saw on his (open) tab on social media a message from him to a woman saying ‘I’ve still got your scarf with a grinning emoji.

She replied sorry, thanks, do you want to meet for coffee to get it back, and also to discuss x a shared interest.

He replied we can meet to ‘talk about anything you fancy’ grinning emoji.

Oh damn! Feel sick. I checked the woman’s profile, she’s 20 years younger and has a boyfriend but otherwise is just his type. DH has not mentioned this at all. He only went on social media a few months ago and she was the first person he became friends with.

What to do now? Embarrassed about admitting that I peeked on his page. I think I was a little worried. Years ago he got very friendly with a woman at work, got a crush on her I think, it never got physical but they discussed our relationship and used to also meet for coffees. We went to counseling where he realised that was insensitive.

OP posts:
PutTheChocEggDown · 11/05/2018 13:57

Orangeblossom I just read your thread and I'm sorry your husband is such a fool. He sounds like he's having the classic mid-life crisis.

I do believe that good male-female friendships are possible even when you are in a long-term relationship but in my experience it is easier when both parties are happily married or have been friends for a long time. In his case with his past history it's not appropriate and I am glad you found the strength to ask him to leave.

Wishing you strength x

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/05/2018 14:27

Sorry it turned to shit OP

In the long run you will be happier without him. Really truly Flowers respect to you for sticking up for yourself . But now you have a broken heart to heal . Which takes time.

And why would someone post abiut a fucking scarf? Missing a sensitivity gene there Angry

FluffyWhiteTowels · 11/05/2018 14:37

A day at a time. You’ve been through so much. What a horribly sad situation.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 12/05/2018 14:49

There will be hard days and harder days but then there will be good ones. You do deserve the good ones 💐

JU5TMe · 14/05/2018 12:00

Orangeblossom3 - my thoughts are with you during this very difficult time.
I'm in awe at your incredible inner strength, you are such a very strong woman!!
I have been in a similar situation ... ten years ago, and do regret now, how I handled my ExH's emotional affair which then led to his adultery. I totally crumbled when it came to light, and I was even in denial about his affair. I had a whole range of different emotions raging within me as the days passed ... I sought help & got some counselling and was told that I was actually "grieving the loss" of my marriage after 17 years. Apparently its the the same range of emotions that we go through when we mourn the death of a loved one!
So OP, in regards to you feeling a range of different emotions, this is normal in these horrid circumstances.
Ultimately, you have to try & stay strong - as difficult as things are, or may become in the coming months, you owe it to yourself and your child/ren to remain strong, to the best of your ability, of course.
Sending you huge cyber hugs!! 💕

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 14/05/2018 14:01

Thank you justme - I’m so sorry that you went through similar. It’s heartbreaking isn’t it. It’s not a small thing, leaving a marriage. I hope that you have found happiness now.

My own happiness seems a long way off. That’s just because it’s so raw still. It’s very difficult not to really want it to all miraculously come right.

Unfortunately I don’t think it will. I had a chat with DH and he, although very sorry, said a few things that don’t bode well. He was evasive about whether he’s actually got back to this woman. Evasive about whether he still had the scarf. He’s changed the lock on his phone. (I know, not proud of checking when he visited the house to take out DC).

Evasiveness and locking his phone were all signs that I’ve seen before. This is the opposite of what might go in the direction of trying to save us. Or just give the decency of being honest so that I knew more facts about our break up. I just feel overwhelmingly like I’m not in the picture. And that’s not a position anyone supposedly in love, in a marriage, should feel like. It’s awful.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 14/05/2018 22:21

So sorry, OP. He really isn’t helping, is he?

Hope you are doing ok.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 17/05/2018 16:47

Sorry depressing update. DH back in house but in separate rooms.

I looked in one of his work bags, wondering if it had the scarf. It had mouth wash, socks (?), spare t-shirt and lots of condoms. Yuk!

Confronted DH who said I was obsessed and jumping to false conclusions. Shock

OP posts:
lindyhopy · 17/05/2018 16:50

kick him out. What other conclusions are there.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 17/05/2018 16:51

Yes we are going to mediation to sort arrangements next week. You are right.

OP posts:
TwittleBee · 17/05/2018 16:52

oh OP don't be apologising at all! Flowers my heart goes out to you.

You aren't obsessed, you are upset and wanting answers in this horribly distressing time for you. He shouldn't be twisting this back on you, it is all him. And as for "false conclusions" what are you going to think when your H is taking condoms around with him when they're clearly not intended to be used with you?

TuTru · 17/05/2018 16:58

His loss!
You will be ok in the end, just a bit of turmoil to wade through, but you will be better off without him in your life xxx

TuTru · 17/05/2018 16:59

Condoms!!! Just chuck him out!

Furiousaboutinstarubbish · 17/05/2018 17:04

You have been so dignified throughout this horror. Chuck the toerag out. So sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 17/05/2018 17:07

I think I hate him at the moment. Angry

OP posts:
Dard · 17/05/2018 17:13
Flowers
Trinity66 · 17/05/2018 17:13

So sorry it's turned out this way :(

Emmasmum2013 · 17/05/2018 19:37

I think I hate him at the moment

And rightly so, what a fucking bellend.
Does he absolutely have to be there? It’s not going to help anyone emotionally in the long run. Flowers Gin

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/05/2018 19:39

He is very good at manipulating things isn’t he ?
Condoms pretty much confirm it don’t they
Can you get him to leave ? Can’t he move in with whoever he is shagging ?
Very hard times OP

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 17/05/2018 19:39

Confront!
Be straight up and ask him

Branleuse · 17/05/2018 20:38

oh my god, what a deceitful bastard, and STILL trying to gaslight you into thinking youre imagining it ffs, cant he just own it. Hes a coward too

harriethoyle · 17/05/2018 21:28

Really sorry to hear this OP Flowers

WeirdyMcBeardy · 17/05/2018 22:25

Do you two even use condoms? Even if you did why would he carry tem around in a bag and why would he think you two were going to have sex with things the way they are? Idiot man! What a twat to say you are jumping to conclusions!

Original poster
Orangeblosssom3 · 17/05/2018 22:47

No, we don’t use condoms. That is the bag he often takes with him to work on his ‘project’ in the evenings or to go into work.

I wish he would leave he’s saying he’s nowhere to go.

This is hell. Why does he want to break up our family over what is just pure selfishness? We haven’t got big problems, we are compatible, we have a great sex life, we get on really well. I hate him for betraying all we had. So much time to build a family. So bloody easy to rip it all down.

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 17/05/2018 22:53

So sorry this has happened Orange Flowers

Is there anything of your relationship worth salvaging do you think? Could you even think about moving on together from this or is it totally over as far as you’re concerned?