AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

[LittleMysPonytail]

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

YANBU. DH gets up at 6am on the weekends so he can fit his cycling in and be part of the family. You need to sit with him and work out a proper share of family time, chores and hobby time for both of you.

YANBU.

While you're at it, address the general imbalance in your house. Running aside, he should be contributing towards the cooking and cleaning.

As things stand, his only duty is his job. Which you also do, but with longer hours. Childcare, cleaning and cooking also your job. Not on.

Start with getting a cleaner .
Why should you do all housework?
Parkrun is finished by 11 am right so rest of Saturday is family time.

Get a hobby yourself

I've recently started running btw so I'm not knocking having a hobby. But damn sure I don't fuck off and let my dh work thrice as hard so I can get my running ego fix.

I would be very unhappy in your position. I am guessing you work from home reading your OP. Would setting out your schedule and his on paper and sitting down with him to go through it show the imbalance that there is to him? Can you get him to sign up to certain amount of family time and book that in as well. I would also ask where your time off comes in this, book yourself something, anything that gets you out of the house at least one night a week. I would also make it clear that you are no longer prepared to do all of the chores and either he takes on a fair share or both of you contribute to a cleaner. Your DH appears to checked out of family life altogether.

Obviously you are not being unreasonable, your dh is taking the piss big time!!

You need a proper conversation about what is fair, he sounds completely selfish tbh.

Have you considered getting a cleaner rather than spend your day off cleaning?

the only thing that makes him happy.

That's a problem right there. Do you and your DD not make him happy?

He is taking the complete piss. He is prioritising his running over everything else. He is in fact controlling you because he is dictating how you spend your time - minding dd, doing housework, working late - because he thinks he is above all that.

Tell him from now on you will be working outside of the house 2 nights a week from 5 pm on. Once he gets in you will be leaving. Go to a coffee shop or somewhere else to work. Just go.

Tell him he can run on Sat or Sun but not both because you will not be around to mind dd one of those days - and don't be around. Once you establish this you can then say to him "ok do you want me to stick around and spend time with you and dd on Sat" but for now you need to give him no choice and the only way to do that is to make him responsible for his child (for a change).

He is really selfish though isn't he? Not even a token "sorry I know I am out a lot thanks for picking up the slack" but an accusation of you being controlling. hey tell you what - why not BE controlling since he has accused you of it.

YANBU. Park run will be finished by 9.30 and with all that running mid week he does not need to run on a Sunday. You should be able to spend the majority of the weekend together.

I do work from home. The ‘problem’ is I do something that I love so DH just thinks I’m fulfilled in that sense. But actually I get paid to do something I love for other people and no time to do it for myself.

He has to travel nearly 45 minutes just to get to Parkrun, he finishes it in under 20 minutes but then hangs about to socialise. DD actually goes to a club on Saturday mornings so I suggested we used that time to do something together, which he thought was great, but since has always has a reason why he has to go.

I’ve tried showing him the schedule but I don’t actually think he believes I’m really working the hours I do.

I just feel at breaking point over this. He won’t believe that it’s got to the point I feel like leaving.

Yup, he’s behaving very selfishly. No wonder you’re seriously considering the future.

why doesn't he run once you're working in the evening for 1 day, runs in the morning 1 day and drops at least 1 day? And why does he need to do parkruns when he does so much already? Isnt parkrun more for 'amateur runners'? He is definitely taking the piss!

How convenient for him that your job is something you 'love' (whatever it is, there are bound to be tiresome, dull or difficult bits of it) and therefore in his opinion you don't need leisure time.

I think you will have to have one very firm conversation with him to the effect that you are not his servant, marriage is a partnership, and that you will be taking some leisure time from now on - and if he doesn't start pulling his weight, he can go.

And don't feel you have to soften it too much with ego strokes about how wonderful he is for raising funds for charity, either. Big fucking deal.

YABVU

If anyone told me to cut back on my hobbies i'd probably say the same as your DH, or leave. Running 4x a week is about normal for keeping race fit, most people in our club run 5 or 6 days a week, as well as cycling and they all have families too - the women AND the men.

I think parkrun is for the social aspect and to test his ‘fast’ miles. He really does take it very seriously.
So seriously in fact I suggested he looked in to possible careers but no, he doesn’t want to turn his hobby into work but then can’t comprehend why I might like time for myself.

Writing it down here as actually helped. I get quite flustered talking to him about it because it ends up sounding like an ultimatum of us or running.

He won’t wait til later in the evening because, ironically, he thinks that it’s better for me as we then get to spend time together despite the fact I have to go and shut myself back up in my office while he watches running YouTube videos.

Isnt parkrun more for 'amateur runners'?
Not at all! Ours hosts 16min 5k finishers regularly, they certainly are not amateur.

If anyone told me to cut back on my hobbies i'd probably say the same as your DH, or leave. Running 4x a week is about normal for keeping race fit, most people in our club run 5 or 6 days a week, as well as cycling and they all have families too - the women AND the men.

Well that's all very well so long as their partners aren't picking up all the slack at home - which the OP is.

RedPony I completely get what you’re saying and I do understand that despite what it may sound like here. But my husband is literally either at work or running or talking about running.

I’m not asking him to give it up, I’m asking if he can do it a little less so that DD and me actually get to spend time with him.

My dsis runs and works she doesn't leave her DH to do all of the childcare and housework because she isn't an arse. The whole family do the park run and she runs after family work has been done.
I second the pp idea of finding somewhere else to work at least for some of the time. You need to be a little more like your DH and think of yourself first.

Running can a very addictive and time consuming hobby which is for some reason highly valued in our society. Not sure why. It is a hobby like any other and needs to be combined with other commitments in the same way. It doesn't have more "worth".

Now that it is light in the morning can you ask him to do a few very early morning runs? I know he starts work early but i also know my DH often runs or goes to the gym early and is at his desk by 7.30am so it can be done.

How does he commute? When I ran, I would run to work and shower there, or run home in the evening. He really isn’t being fair on you at all. For starters you need to shut down the constant talking about running too. He doesn’t get to bore you senseless on the only time you do get!

He drives an hour and a half round trip for a 20 month run?! That’s madness right there.

I agree on the morning runs. My husband runs in the morning all year round. He also starts work at 8am so leaves the house by 7.15am-ish.

Do you go to events to watch him run? Lots of our club use them as a family day out - watch either (or both!) parents run, then go off for a lunch somewhere or something.

How old is DD? Can she join in on some of the fun runs which are often put on at the beginning of a 10k or something so she gets daddy time? Do you have a Sunday Junior parkrun you can all go to? I'm not at all saying you should all bow down and join in with him, but you might actually enjoy it if you haven't already tried.

Do you have any hobbies you'd like to do regularly but can't due to his schedule?

I'd really struggle with a partner that didn't have a committed hobby. Luckily mine goes to the gym 6 days a week, runs 5 days a week and cycles twice a week. We get home around the same time after i've done my horses and been running myself so it works well. Would be my idea of hell to have someone at home 'waiting' for me to get home.

I'd hazard a guess if he isn't picking up the home slack now, he probably wouldn't even is he wasn't busy. I think that's a different issue and needs addressing for sure!