AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

[LittleMysPonytail]

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

Do you know what I would do? It’s coming up to the summer, why don’t you book a lovely holiday for yourself and DD, and don’t tell him (can’t see how you can as he’s out 7 days a week with his hobby!) until just before you go. He sounds like a selfish t* by the way.

Or the OP could book a holiday for herself and leave the DD at home with him.

Sounds like they have some daddy/daughter catching up to do- so win win!

OP you're 31? How old do you want to be when you finally tell him to get fucked? You're wasting your life slaving over this guy who couldn't give less of a toss about you as a person, your feelings or your dd.

You make a good living, you do all the childcare, all the household organisation, all the housework. It's like you live to facilitate this man doing what he wants. Why? What is he bringing? Extra housework, and occasional, miserable, reluctant company.

You've tried to get through to him, he simply doesn't care. Kick him out. You'll be much better off, your dd will see much more of him and you won't have your life wasted slaving away for this cock.

sounds like he really wants to be a single person, no one to answer to, do what you like when you like

I would start thinking about ending things, let him share his life with his true love, ie running

Obviously be totally rational and make sure you come off as well as possible in the divorce

If you split and he has his DD 3 and a half days a week his running hobby will be curtained somewhat.

Evil laugh....

As pp have said, I think it’s time to start getting your ducks in a row with a view to ending this marriage. I don’t think you can really call it a marriage at the moment. You’re just glorified roommates. He has little regard for you or your dd. You have to think if this is really how you want to spend the next few years/decades before you finally give up and leave him. If he doesn’t even acknowledge he has an addiction - and it is an addiction - then there’s nothing more you can do. You both deserve so much better. You already do everything alone anyway. I think you’ll find it so much easier and less stressful without the added pressure of him. You don’t sound happy and tbh neither does he. Thing is, you want to do something about it whereas he seems to keep on wanting to live in misery. I’m also concerned about the fact he won’t let you in the tent. Alarm bells are definitely ringing there. Somethings not right there. Don’t waste away any more time on this man who obviously doesn’t appreciate you

I think you need to make it clear to him that this could end your marriage.
He then would either lose his relationship with your dd entirely and keep running or he'd have to scale back massively to see her eow and during the week as so many divorced parents do.
He sounds very very selfish

Exactly - if he was spending that amount of time down the Pub or playing video games you would have left him already. Just because it is running it seems something you should put up with. But it isn't. It isn't anything special, it is a hobby, probably an addiction and potentially dangerous actually.
The thing about the rest days is just mind-blowing. I would not be happy if my husband took annual leave like this! Annual leave is (mostly) for family time!!
Leave him!

You can’t fix selfish. He isnt looking to change anything. I think it’s take a break time. I also would have no time for a husband who won’t go to counselling because it’s for people who’ve given up. Fine you won’t go to counselling, I’m not happy and you refuse to consider this so I give up. Pack your bags.

I think leaving him is not the right way to go about things. Make him make quality time for you. I will be slaughtered for this, but if possible go to his parents with your grumbles, my in-laws have a lot of influence with DH. Good luck.

Leaving him is not the right thing to do. Throwing him out is the right thing to do - OP earns most of the money as well as doing all the housework and childcare.

He's basically a cocklodger in plimsolls.

You're only 31, you earn twice as much as him, why are you putting up with this? Normally I would say for the dc but your dd doesn't seem to be getting much from this situation either. It sounds like he has an absolutely selfish tunnel vision where running is concerned and you have already checked out emotionally anyway?

As a runner myself it must cost him loads!!

Affair.

He has already left the relationship.

Go to a lawyer and make sure he doesn’t fleece you (as the higher earner you have to be careful)

I'd see a solicitor at any rate.

You're probably quite shocked by these responses op.
I think you wanted people to suggest how to get him to run less and spend more time with you and your dd.
Instead, it's unanimous that this man is awful, and it's so bad, you should actually leave him.
Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear op, but I don't think you can do anything to change him.
He is selfish, self absorbed, controlling, and an arsehole who thinks you should bow down to him and his amazing running.

Leave it a few days, and come back to this thread, and realise what everyone is saying. He isn't bringing anything positive to your relationship, to your family, to your daughter.

he's probably far too knackered for sex, 80 miles per week before he's even done his long run, the long run is prob another 20 miles, that's way in excess of the amount of exercise needed for optimum fitness, I doubt that even elite pro runners would do that sort of weekly mileage (?)

you're not getting anything out of this deal OP

Races tend to wind down a bit over the summer

Marathons will typically be autumn and spring. If it's hot he can train in the mornings

He is being unbelievably selfish and not wanting to alter his life to accommodate you and DD. It was suggested you go to his races. Why the fuck should you? How boring. I find running really dull. If he's running 5 night a week and all weekend then that is just not on as far as I'm concerned. You seriously need to consider your next move. I think you need to think about separating for a while. If he keeps running then you'll know you are not important to him. Or he might come to his senses. You don't want DD growing up with the memory that her dad wasn't there. Mine died when I was 13. Life is too short.

I think you'd be doing him a huge favour if you binned him OP, he clearly doesnt want to spend anytime as part of a family and is running himself into the ground trying to avoid his wife and his daughter.

If you give him the heave ho he'll be able to cut down to 30-40 miles per week as he wont need to escape from you and his little girl.
Obviously make sure you get the house and all the money you need to provide a good life for your daughter.
He might struggle to find the money to pay for running shoes, race fee's etc etc, but I'm sure he'll figure out something, I mean he must have such a lot of grit and determination to run all those races and all that

sgb Cocklodger in plimsolls

I’m not shocked. It’s nothing I haven’t thought about.

I’ve read everyone’s posts and I’m very grateful. I’m not about to jump ship because we’re going through an ‘or worse’ phase but I also am going to think over what everyone has said, try one last talk and give myself a deadline.

Good.

OP your OH has already checked out of this relationship.

Save your dignity.