AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

[LittleMysPonytail]

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

Me and my husband both run. I run marathons (slowly), and he does ultra marathons. We both work full time and have three children, who all have hobbies. When he is training for an ultra, he will run a marathon on Thursday evenings, or back to back on a Saturday and then the Sunday. However, we fit both our running in around each other. I have just done Brighton marathon, he stepped back completely and ran when he could, so I could do the training I needed. Now it's his turn, and I fit in my training around his. But we both discuss who needs to do what, and when. We are both members of the same running club, and sometimes we do the same races, and on a 10k day, there will be someone who is willing to look after all the runners kids whilst everyone runs. Because it is a club and a community. What I would question is,why are you not welcome in to your husbands club? Are there not other wives and girlfriends to socialise with? And when does it get to be your turn to do whatever you like without having to think about anyone else? I'm going trail running tonight, my husband is taking youngest to and from a party, then to Cubs, taking eldest to and from her friends house, and has got the dinner ready, because I'm still working. And yes I work from home too. This seems hard luck to you, but I wouldn't put up with it.

I wouldn't tolerate it.

If you split and had the kids 50:50 he wouldn't get so much fun time.

It's a hobby.

And that's it.

I don't play second fiddle to hobbies and facilitate a man child.

I often post about this because it was so helpful to me. He is refusing to recognise that as soon as he decides 'I'm going to do x' he has already decided what you are going to do, because you're going to look after your dd. Now, she's at school, so it applies more for evenings and weekends, but it still applies.

I do wonder if he is punishing you for some financial issue. Would it be feasible for him to retrain or change jobs if you were able to earn more? Is that what he's really angry about? Because he sounds angry about something.

That doesn't let him off as what he is doing is not OK. But being trapped in a job you hate is grim as well. Get him to talk again about job changes - why has he not done anything about it?

I am a runner, and fairly serious about it. But I'd never take a day off work to recover after a race (and i run marathons and ultramarathons) as days off are too precious to spend with my kids. Yes it can be tough at work but you just get on with it.
I run to work to save time, and am sometimes up at 5am on the weekend to fit a long run in and not eat into time with the kids. I would absolutely love to go to my club track session but the timing is crap for kids so i don't.
Your dh is being a dick and convinced the world revolves around him.
I think going to counselling might give you both the space to discuss this properly

Your DH sounds like he's in full avoidance mode. Avoidance is usually some form of ego defence - you're astute, I think, when you say that he's replaced admiration at work and at home with admiration for his running. It's the world where he can be a kind of superhero to his peers, compared to feeling burdened and downtrodden elsewhere.

The trouble is that this is NOT a healthy way to be for an adult. It's childlike in the way that it shuns responsibility. And it's damaging the people closest to him, who love him the most, as well as holding him back in his career. There are a lot of ways of balancing running with life - he doesn't have to give up his hobby altogether. He can run shorter distances (which involves shorter training sessions), for instance.

I doubt your DH would have the self-awareness or honesty to do this, but he could do with counselling support to help him engage in a more adult way with his work and home life. However, I suspect that any attempt to get him to do this will result in you being seen as a kind of maternal nag, rather than as what you are - a concerned partner.

I think you need to be absolutely clear that you cannot tolerate this any more, and that things need to change, or you will leave. And you need an exit plan to back that up - and to be preparing yourself psychologically for making that leap.

I'd give it very hard to forgive my DH if he'd used up all his leave so wasn't able to take a family holiday with me and DC.
He sounds either addicted or if there's something/someone else involved.

He's not going to change, and he's pulled the "controlling" card on you, so that it looks like you're the one being unreasonable. Can't believe that pp who said you're very unreasonable, (not just U, but Very U!) obviously someone with the same selfish mindset as your DH.

Time to tell him not to bother coming back from his run. I wonder what his parents think of how he's behaving. Do they know that you're working longer hours than him, as well as doing all the childcare and housework?
I think I'd be inclined to let them know, so that they have your side of the story when he goes running back home to mummy and daddy, saying how horrible you're being to him. If they're decent people, they won't be very happy about him neglecting his daughter/their grandchild.

This is absolutley ultimatum time. He moved out for a week because you didn’t praise him enough? When do you get praise? He won’t let you near the club rent? He tells you that it is the only thing that makes you happy ie that you and dc don’t? If it were my dh I’d ask that he leaves given we don’t make him happy, but remind him he has responsibilities to his child and you expect him to take his share of it whether or not it makes him happy.

He actually sounds a bit of a bully to me and controlling. He knows where you are. No compromise at all. He's very selfish. Boo hobo he has a shit job - there are a lot of us out there that don't enjoy their work.
I hope you go away with your daughter for holidays and leave him too it. I find it incredible really. ME ME ME - you can't question him, he shuts you down or accuses you of being jealous and bloody sabotaging his hobby.
What happens if your unwell? Will he go running still.
He's not part of family life - he's a single man. I'd stop cooking for him or doing his washing.
Yet another entitled man!!!

I would not want to have to insist or explain or nag a partner to spend time with me..
I would also hate having a partner who didn't have an independent hobby or activity and expected us 'do things together'.
I want my dp to chose to do things with me because he wants to.
I have some sympathy op but you are enabling his behaviour. I think frankly your relationship is over.. He does not want family time or couples time. He wants to go running. Now if you want time for you do something equivalent you need to stop explaining, asking nicely etc and just say... 'next week I am going to do xyz.. So you'll need to miss park run as you'll have to take dd to her club' and then follow through.

My husband does triathlons, ironmen competitions and cycle sportives - we have four children and he works FT and I work PT. After some stern words from me, when his training was all consuming and taking hours out of weekends and evenings, he now manages to do an awful lot of training during his working week - running or cycling to and from the office, or cycling back from London, swimming at lunchtime etc. He does need to do physical activity as he has a very stressful job and hideous commute, and it's how he decompresses, but he also has a lot of children who were suffering from never spending time with their father. He's now got the balance back between training and the family and it works for us (although I do get a bit resentful in the final run up to big events.....).

I think you need to have a full and frank discussion with him about the division of labour and the amount of time that he's spending running. It sounds a lot to me but as others have said, it may be that there are underlying issues which you and he need to resolve.....

Oh I sympathise. Mine was like this when he was into running. Now it’s cycling and he’s away one day every weekend in the run-up to a big event to train, as well as cycling 70 odd miles to and from work most days, meaning he’s gone before we’re up and usually home after DD’s bedtime. Then evenings are spent with him taking the bloody thing apart and cleaning it. It does my head in.

What I make sure of is that I get time to myself - the odd weekend away with a mate or spa day. He’s got no problem with that so I kind of live with it that way.

The only way to keep your sanity here is to detach - to go out and do things with the DC without him - to take a weekend away etc.

The problem is, that detaching pretty much inevitably is going to lead to splitting up - you can't detach just one bit of yourself!

My DP works a lot, and when he's home, he wants to just veg and watch youtube or twitch, which I understand, but, in order for us to feel like a family, you need to do stuff together (excluding fairness entirely) - so i go and do stuff with the kids, I live my life without him, and leave him to do his stuff. Now DP isn't a bad bloke, he's just not prioritising home, he gets so focussed on work, so seeing us off having fun together is enough of a nudge to remind him that he could be having fun too, and for him to dial it back again and spend time with us. It sounds like playing games, but it's not, it's the gentle alternative to a stand up row.

He sounds really boring apart from anything else and at 31, you’ve got loads of living to do with your DD. What would you lose, honestly, if you just told him to go?

I would not want to have to insist or explain or nag a partner to spend time with me..
I would also hate having a partner who didn't have an independent hobby or activity and expected us 'do things together'.
I want my dp to chose to do things with me because he wants to.
I have some sympathy op but you are enabling his behaviour. I think frankly your relationship is over.. He does not want family time or couples time. He wants to go running..

I totally agree.

I wouldn't want to be with someone if I had to ask, beg, suggest or insist that he spends more time with me or our family.

I will only share my life with a man who is excited and looks forward to a family day or a day with me- as I do with him.

Yes exercise and hobbies are important but when someone is demanding such selfish amounts of time to the exclusion of his family- it simply shows where his priorities lie.

And that makes for an unpleasant man.
And I don't share my life with unpleasant people.

I've run 3 marathons and was told by my friends and acquaintances that once you have done 2, you don't need the rest days anymore afterwards. Yes you will be tired but not knackered like after the first 2, so may need a few more hours in bed for a couple of days.

I also did most of my training in the early morning. I would often go out between 5-5.30am. I noticed it tends to be women and older men who do this, as clearly they need to fit other things into their lives.

I've taken running kit on holiday so I can run in the mornings on holiday including having to do long runs while I was marathon training. The entire point of running is that it is a sport that can be done nearly anywhere due to the small amount of kit you need.

So refusing to go on holiday for a week due to running is complete and utter BS.

So yes OP your OH is being a selfish dick and you should look into divorcing him if if he won't change.

He won’t entertain the idea of counselling in any way. He believes it’s for people who have given up and therefore that it is pointless.

It’s not finances - I earn twice his wage. Enough that he could find a part time job and we’d still be comfortable but he won’t make looking a new job a priority.

His parents and his best friends have spoken to him about missing DD grow up and his DM even asked him about more children. Now, we’re not actually sure we can but it was something we wanted and that he still says he wants but I’m not prepared to try it homelife doesn’t change.

I do get on with living my life and having fun with DD with the option that he’s always welcome. It’s just heartbreaking that it’s not usually us he chooses.

OP do you want to live with a person who has such a disregard for you and your DD?

It's like living with a guy who prefers going down the pub with his mates to watch the footie rather than spending time with his wife and child.

Very little difference in my book.

Op I feel for you.

My ex had a hobby which took him out of the house three times per week for 3 hours at a time. Two week nights and an afternoon.

We had three small children. He refused to cut down.... after a couple of years I suggested swapping as his evenings clashed with a course I was thinking of doing in support of my career. He refused.

He sees the children and I as accessories in his life. He says he's devastated at losing me....yet still does the hobby; still wants the glory and adulation.

Your DH sounds just as selfish. Guard your heart OP X

He sounds so very selfish. If he won’t cut back and won’t consider therapy it’s either accept it (you’re 31 and that’s still so young) or leave. Personally I don’t see what you get from the relationship when he’s never there and doesn’t seem interested in your or his dd.

It sounds as if you have already exhausted all the possibilities of asking him to do less running. You've talked to him. You asked

I couldn't be a relationship like this. He is supposed to be your partner.

The holiday would be the last straw.

"I do get on with living my life and having fun with DD with the option that he’s always welcome. It’s just heartbreaking that it’s not usually us he chooses."

It doesn't have to be like this. You could separate and coparent, giving him a chance to pursue his running and you a chance to find happiness with someone who puts you first.

Breaking it down, he's a selfish twat who demeans your work, prefers running to his wife and family and gives not one shiny shit what you think. If he was mine he'd be very happy curling up to his running shoes every night, because I wouldn't be there. Last time I looked marriage is a partnership, not one partners interest subsuming family life.

He does seem quite unreasonable. You are not asking the Earth! In your shoes I would do nothing for him at all, no cooking , no laundry nothing.