AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

[LittleMysPonytail]

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

Can he run to work or maybe run in his lunch hour? I'm a runner and do both of these. That leaves evenings clear

I can’t be 100% sure but I think the tent thing is just because he wants us to not be a part of it.

The closest there is to an OW is a new development. He met a lady at a race a few weeks ago and they followed each other on Instagram and she has taken to messaging him whenever she feels like it. However, i help him run his account so I’ve seen the conversations and though I’ve told him he needs to be careful I’m not overtly worried - yet!

And no he didn’t used to be so switched off. We’ve been through a lot and we’re 50/50 through all of it.

Now, I feel like I’m the OW and running is his wife.

Men and their bloody hobbies, organise your life like your husband has no hobby, if he joins you great if not his loss, it’s a bit childish but create his and her jobs so your not doing it all. You will end up resenting him if things don’t change.

My husband loves his painting, it got to the point where I would struggle with the kids on my own all weekend so he could have time to paint, I was enabling him to be a rubbish Dad and husband. He painted each weekend all weekend and worked all week , never put the kids to bed and I just snapped and I think you will too.

Nightmare! You poor thing!

I think you need to start by thinking about you. What hours would you like to/do you need to work? What pattern would work best for you? Working until bed can’t leave you feeling great.

When you’ve got an answer to that tell him you’re changing your workout by pattern as you’re running yourself ragged. Does he want to pay for the childcare to cover the time he’s running or is he going to take care of dd in that time?

Next up, house hold chores. What tasks/amount do you think is reasonable? Can you divide to by type (ie I clean the bathroom my dh vacuums) or do you need to start ‘just’ doing yours and dd’s? Is you don’t do his Washing, you don’t make him tea if he’s not eating with the two of you. You’ll still be doing way more than your share but it will be a bit less. Does he want to pick up his full share or is he finding and paying a cleaner - he doesn’t have the choice of you doing it anymore.

Thirdly, do you want it to work out with him? Is he worth it? Probably a harder question to answer. But has this gone too far to get back from or is it salvageable?

He left the house to stay with his parents for a week well I would have dropped DD round there for his share of the parental responsibility. How dare he dismiss his role as a father.

When it is almost ready for his usual run on a weekend I would just leave the house and leave DD with him. Luckily my DH isn't a dick so I have never had to do that.

Use his "it’s his thing and he’ll go when he wants too" as your line to leave when you want.

What Reanimated said. He went off and sulked for a week because you didn't stroke his ego enough. Wow.

What's he running away from?

There's your answer.

This is rather obviously ridiculously unfair.
But that isn't really the problem.
The problem is that he's so incredibly selfish and self absorbed that he hasn't even noticed. And that you have to question whether you're reasonable or not.
If I were to spend eg a day on my own hobby of a weekend, which I do occasionally, I wonder or be very conscious of it, and would make damn sure I picked up the majority of the stuff for the rest of the week, so that my dh got some time for his hobby, and so I spent time with dcs.

Equal downtime is fair.

Respony - it's fine to have hobby, but it needs to be split. It's there's 4 available hours for a hobby, that's 2 hours each. Not 4 to one person, none to the other.

So he spends all his free time doing his hobby while you hold down a demanding job AND do all the childrunning, childcare, cooking and household chores.

Fuck that,

Show him the door. He pulls his weight so YOU can have a bit of a life, too, or he goes.

YOu're not controlling. He's taking the absolute piss. You're his maid and the nanny. What an arsehole.

are you sure it's running he's doing?

YANBU. He sounds married to his running, rather than to you.

I think the problem is that he thinks I’m being so undoubtedly unreasonable about this that he doesn’t believe I’d actually end our marriage because of it.

As for whether I actually want to stay, honestly I think that there are other issues on top of this that it seems inevitable, however much I don’t want to walk away. I’m only 31. We’ve been together ten years but I also know that I’ve still, hopefully, got a whole life ahead of me.

I’m glad he has ambitions but they mean that we now have none as a couple.

And the holiday thing, he literally can’t come except over the weekend. He’s used up all his holiday and won’t change what he’s already booked because they’re for either being away for a race or for a rest day afterwards.

Yes, I do know he’s running - unless he’s learnt how to override strava! His miles this week are already on 81 and he hasn’t even done his long run.

Gish OP. You might as well not have a husband. YANBU at all

Running is all his dc will remember about him.
He is being completely unreasonable, but you already know that.

He's already chosen running over you. The question is whether you choose half a life. It's incredibly sad

In that case, a marriage works two ways. You both should be allowed to enjoy yourselves outside of work and both should get downtime, not one domineering it like he is and acting like he has no responsibility for the family he has made.

If I was you I'd be genuinely concerned for him. It's not normal to run over 81 miles a week as a hobby, is it?!

How can he possibly think you're being unreasonable? Unless you've missed something massive out, but what I don't know.
Dh 'you're nagging if I can't run'
You 'I work 44 hours a week. You work 40. I do all the childcare and all the housework. You do 0. You spend 20 hours per week on stuff for yourself. I spend 0. Can you explain to me please what you think is fair about that?'
(Note I haven't worked out exact numbers).

I wouldn't even class this as a hobby - it's become an addiction and has to be adxressed as such.

My EXH was obsessed with mma,he also lifted weights in the spare room.He used to get home from work and I wasn't even allowed to speak to him as he needed to rush upstairs and stay " in the zone" the fucking moron hence the EX

I’ve tried to address it with him as have his parents. But there is a lot of admiration as someone said upthread that comes with running, especially when you’re very good at it. I generally think it comes down to the fact he thinks his job is a complete waste of time and has no positives for anyone (which isn’t actually true if he actually embraced what his role was supposed to be) but with running he gets admiration. And I guess it irritates him that I don’t admire it about him in the same way anymore.

Sounds like he’s already checked out of family life, you are just a hotel and feeding station. Do you wash his running kit?

If running is the only thing that makes him happy, he won't mind if you leave.

You arent a couple anymore he has an addiction you cant be part of. Whereas its not dangerous to him like alcohol or drugs would be its effect on your marriage is the same as the above because running has taken over everything

Truthfully it probably takes at the very least an ultimatum or you actually going for him to realise

The fact that he thinks you are unreasonable is part and parcel of the obsession

No, I don’t anymore. There was an incident where I’d accidentally put a piece of kit in a dryer load and I downed tools after he accused me of doing it on purpose.