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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

314 replies

LittleMysPonytail · 27/04/2018 14:47

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 10/05/2018 16:34

No doubt his list was full of yet more ways you can accommodate his busy running schedule while you do yet more for your home and child and family.

I wouldn't even let him stay in the spare room. You'll just end up watching the children on 'his' days which defeats the entire purpose, and still being responsible for the home.

GabriellaMontez · 10/05/2018 16:37

Sounds like he's pursued a totally separate life.

Good luck.

Hope you find someone else who values you.

Original poster
LittleMysPonytail · 10/05/2018 16:44

Spare room was just for last night and tonight. He knows I mean it and PIL know he may well turn up at theirs again tomorrow but they don’t want him there long term.

His ‘list’ was pretty well thought out and if he’d listened previously to me then it would probably have worked.

It included him doing the school/childminder runs so I don’t have to do stupid things like working at 5am and 11pm, leaving one of the running clubs, and ensuring I know his running schedule in advance rather than abandoning me and DD because he wants to get a random 10 Miles in. There was also a suggestion of having our own housework responsibilities (which we used to do in the pre running life) but I’m in the process of organising a new cleaner so it was somewhat irrelevant. I did suggest he could organise for the sodding DIY to actually be finished as I’m sick of looking at bare Victorian plaster and broken fences.

OP posts:
KateGrey · 10/05/2018 17:44

I can partly relate. We have three kids and two have special needs. I work part time at home and juggle anything child related but also accommodate his two hobbies but to a much lesser extent. My time is very precious and it’s very hard as I don’t feel we have the same goals or vision anymore. The trouble is your husband doesn’t seem to realise there may be some love left there at the minute but soon it’ll be completely taken over by resentment. You’re a person to. You’re not there to accommodate all his wishes. Good luck.

GladysKnight · 10/05/2018 19:27

I think you're absolutely right to go for separation and 50/50. As you say, that way he can fully grasp what equal parenting and housework entail, and work out how much running he can fit in round that plus his work. If he still wants to be a family, that comes on top! (ie out of his 'him' time,not out of his share of housework, child care& transport, etc)

Wallywobbles · 10/05/2018 22:16

Sounds like you've done well. I'd say that if he is emotionally on the back foot it will do him a world of good.

Idontdowindows · 10/05/2018 22:20

and ensuring I know his running schedule in advance

Uhuh. So that you could once again schedule your life around his hobby....

TheBlueDot · 10/05/2018 22:54

Yep, knowing his running schedule in advance = you still fitting your life around his hobby.

What you say about him having to take 50/50 ales sense - otherwise he will never get it, even with his proposed plan.

Don’t get sucked into helping him out as you’re at home anyway. If he wants to make a go of the marriage, he has to show you that he is up to being your partner in life and that he values the things you do for DD and him.

Leeds2 · 10/05/2018 22:59

I fully appreciate what you want to achieve with going for 50/50. But I suspect PIL will end up doing his 50% of the duties.

Boysnme · 12/05/2018 12:41

I fully appreciate what you want to achieve with going for 50/50. But I suspect PIL will end up doing his 50% of the duties.

I guess if this happens on a trial period apart he will have shown he can’t change and will give OP her answer

flaggerblasted · 12/05/2018 15:00

He is trying ... which is very positive thing. As you say, his suggestions sound helpful and have been thought through. It's a horrible situation to be in, but you may be back on the upward curve even if further negotiation is required.

QueenofmyPrinces · 12/05/2018 15:04

YANBU

I had a big argument with my DH earlier about his hobby, how much time it takes up, how much I miss him, how much I miss us spending time as a family and how it feels like me and the children exist around his hobby as opposed to the other way round.

Me and DH never argue but this morning I just blew up - it was awful.

Some men just don’t get it.

He’s at his hobby now whilst I’m home with the children. Again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/05/2018 18:25

I was running this morning and thought about this thread. I did 10km but there were ultras running in the same area doing 100k and they had been there for two hours before I got there and were still there when I left.

It takes up all some people's time and energy. Which is fine if you don't have relationships, small children and a life.

Let us know if he manages to accommodate the new arrangement.

Original poster
LittleMysPonytail · 13/05/2018 11:16

He is trying but it’s only been a few days. I have been reading but not really got anything to ‘update’ other than everyone either of us have spoken to have been completely unsurprised and I think that will be a positive moving forward.

He generally believed I think that running was so revered that I was being a controlling, jealous nag. I’ve been thinking lots though and I’ve come to realise I don’t mind the running. It’s the racing and the frequency of it which is the issue. We’ll see over the next few weeks if he books any more and how many!

Thank you for all the advice everyone Flowers

OP posts:
yellowpaper · 13/05/2018 11:20

“It’s the only thing that makes him happy”

Says it all really Hmm

Xmasfairy86 · 13/05/2018 11:29

I really hope you can find some balance. It is a great hobby to have but not at the sacrifice of a home life. If he’s not making a career out of it, it shouldn’t be an issue cutting back and pitching in a bit with family life.

My DP has a consuming hobby, and I often feel that comes before us. He’s currently injured and sadly, we’re all happier for it. He’s home more, a bit more invested in us and family again.

KateGrey · 13/05/2018 11:32

I hope things start to change. It always seemed to be about how much he was running rather than the running itself. Good luck.

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 13/05/2018 11:42

I cant get past him saying the house was a mess and you don’t earn enough.

How did you not just laugh in his pointless face at that?

Oldraver · 13/05/2018 12:05

What's his justification for saying you dont earn enough or do enough around the house ? When it appears it's the complete opposite ?

OliviaBenson · 13/05/2018 14:25

Did he do his run this weekend op?

Can you say that next Saturday you’ll be having the day to yourself?

Original poster
LittleMysPonytail · 13/05/2018 15:38

I think the house and money were simply to try and rile me up.

As far as I know he did do his race. He’ll have DD from Tues night - Sunday afternoon so don’t know what he’ll do next week. He’ll have to adapt!

OP posts:
happypoobum · 13/05/2018 15:57

So is he living with his parents now? Sorry if I missed that bit. Has he agreed to move out?

What did he say about the 50/50 with DD?

I would be prepared to turn your phone off because he is bound to call you and try to bring DD back early if he wants to run.

mummymeister · 13/05/2018 16:05

Unfortunately if he is living with his parents then they will take up the slack and not him. Will he really change OP? he went running today and he must know that you would find this out surely. If it was me and I wanted to show I was listening then I wouldn't have gone. Perhaps you need a word with his parents to explain this is make or break and they need to not step in.

Original poster
LittleMysPonytail · 13/05/2018 16:40

No he’s not with his parents. They live over an hour away. DD would never be at school on time. His employer owns some holiday lets and he’s in one for the next couple of weeks while he sorts something out.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/05/2018 18:53

While he sorts something out?

Will you have any input?