AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

[LittleMysPonytail]

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

De lurking here OP. Just read your update and whilst we're all waiting further news (which might be a bit annoying as it is very early days). I want to say how amazing you are for sticking to this - it must be so incredibly difficult to keep your resolve through all the upheaval and in your situation I would be so tempted to stick to the status quo. You've clearly hit your limit and respect to you for going through with the 50/50 and pushing him to move out.

I hope he comes to his senses and offers a grovelling apology and somehow it works out for you all. Failing that I hope you find some balance and happiness if you decide to make this arrangement permanent. Like I said, very early days. I wish you well

I’m the absence of being prepared to go to counselling he asked if we could both write the other a letter/list of issues that we could then talk about. Obviously this was not just about the running, which I think was the most tangible symptom to explain the hideous home life we were having. His letter was more of the same (eg I don’t earn enough, he shouldn’t have to clean the toilet because he goes out to work, I’m controlling by trying to take away running) He’s now stonewalling, including about DD, except to tell me I caused a horrible situation with an unnecessary reaction and that I’m obviously filled with evil. I’m fairly certain there’s no coming back from that.

In not I’m* forgot my phone Lwats autocorrects that!

He has really shown his true colours hasn't he - utterly selfish to the core...

You earn twice what he does but it's not enough? What is he on, apart from 'runner's high'?

What an utter bastard he is.

I think it's time to prove you will be just fine without him and that he has a comfortable life with you.
Show him how not having you to be at home with DD will impact his hobbie because he will have to give it up EOW.

It's that simple. He isn't prepared to listen or change, so you have to make that decision yourself.

So, you work longer hours than him, and earn more, yet you should be the one who cleans the toilet, and you're not earning enough. He's an utter dick (to put it very mildly).

You really will be better off without him in your life, and he will be so much worse off without you in his.

He's an addict and puts himself first. Just tell him to go away.

I'm so sorry OP but as you say it doesn't sound there is much of a chance to come back from that.

Just sending you as you it's said to reach the end but you are in a good place financially and with your job so I wish you luck with the next stage as and when.

He's a dick - you don't know what you've got til it's gone and you're about to have a lot more freedom xx

Running is his mistress.

He is putting you down and her above you and your DC.

Like any other addict there is nothing you can do unless he admits his addiction and wants help.

All you can do is protect yourself and your DC.

I'm still mystified about why he thinks you don't earn enough... deluded.

Anyway. He was warned he had a chance. He's still trying to shift the blame/responsibility to you.

I wonder who will clean the toilet in his new place?

He works so he shouldn't have to clean the loo, his new place is going to be lovely! You can't make someone else behave like a reasonable human being. Once the truama of the split is over I wonder if you will find your new life to be much better, I suspect you will. Good luck.

How it's going OP?